The days of our lives...

17 weeks and counting...

2012-02-24T11:52:00.004-08:00

Butt pain is still giving me grief. Last night at 4am I spent 15 minutes trying to roll myself out of bed to go to the bathroom. I was in tears it hurt so much and none of the tricks I had been using to move without pain were working. When I woke up this morning I rolled out of bed and got up and going without any problem. Go figure, I guess it just depends on how the mood takes it. Walking is slower than usual as every other step gives a sharp pain but I can get around. I found some good stretches to try out so I am hoping they help.

In an exciting update, I have been feeling the baby move! For a week or so I have been feeling flutters that I thought might be baby but last night when I lay still in bed he or she had a dance party! Unmistakeable. J was very sad that he couldn't feel anything from the outside, and I am praying that that happens soon so we can share this incredible event but for now, selfishly I am happy that its me that gets the baby lovin'. It only seems fair with the negative physical stuff I have to deal with. I seriously cannot believe that we are far enough into pregnancy that I can actually feel our baby move. According to Google, this week baby is the size on an onion. Cute. The cutest onion in the world.

I am well aware of the growth spurt going on in me. My hunger has again reached teenage boy proportions. But my energy levels have dropped a little too and naps are back in my daily schedule and waves of nausea have been more frequent again so my inspiration in the kitchen is severely lacking! Hoping that the new copy of cooking light which is just sitting on the counter waiting for my perusal will help in that area.

A pain in the bum (literally)

2012-02-21T16:37:00.004-08:00

As far as pregnancy symptoms go I feel as though I have got off pretty lightly. I certainly had nausea and fatigue - which has had a second lease of life in previous weeks, but even those have been mild in comparison to some other pregnant friends (It doesn't feel mild at the time, but I know it is)
I have managed to avoid most other uncomfortable symptoms, my skin has actually improved since pregnancy.

However, a few weeks ago I began to notice an ache in my lower back. At least that is how i would explain it, but if I am honest it was always a little lower, in the bottom region! In the past few days it has moved from the middle to my left cheek. And it has got much worse. I wince when I find myself in a position that triggers it, the pain shoots down my leg.

Being gone this weekend and sleeping on a harder mattress seemed to trigger it. For the first half hour on Saturday and Sunday morning I could barely move! By the time I was ready for bed on Sunday, it had got so bad I was literally in tears, and struggling to walk. I told Jeremy I was going to crawl up the stairs because I thought that would help...bad idea, crawling position was even more painful than standing. I can laugh about i now but at the time it was far from funny.

It was bad again yesterday and today after I woke up but seemed to ease at least a little through the day. However climbing up the stairs to my class today was a little comical from the perspective of the other students!

I am hoping it eases in a couple of days, but otherwise I might have to give my doctor a call and see if she can find a physical therapist who can help me and my rear end feel less painful. My googling has led me to believe it could be some sort of sciatic nerve problem which makes me a little anxious because we are not quite 17 weeks yet, and I really need a properly functioning bum cheek for the next six months to be bearable! Praying that it gets better soon.

When I thought about pregnancy and for so long when my prayers were to be in this very situation I had a very picturesque idea of what that would mean. I am trying not to complain about anything because I do recognise the gift that this pregnancy is. But I think I am in the midst of a reality check that pregnancy isn't all rainbows and unicorns with fuzzy edges and dipped in chocolate. This can be a tough thing for your body to go through. It is a miracle but that doesn't eliminate the physical realities!

So this tired pregnant lady is signing off and doing a funny walk worthy of John Cleese into the kitchen to help my hardworking hubby finish making dinner. In my can't be trusted to not have a spasm and drop something hot but I can still mash a potato!

Rocks and Sand

2012-02-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I was away a couple of hours south of Seattle for our church women's retreat. It was an amazing time and I am still reflecting on so much of what was discussed and some of the changes I want to implement but one idea really stuck out to me.

It was the idea that we often get stuck in the business of our lives and it prevents us from truly living into the calling God has for us. The speaker used an illustration of three big rocks in jar, explaining that these rocks were the things that should be our priorities, but that often we fill the jar with sand first and then try and fit in the rocks, but they don't fit. The sand is the small things in life that can consume our time but we would never claim as a priority. However, if we put the rocks in the jar first and then put the sand in there is room for everything.

This was such a great illustration for me. I constantly feel stretched in a million directions and "busy" but when I actually look at how I am spending my days I am not sure where all my time goes - or I am sure, I am just not happy about the ways I am spending it. I am making small sand the priorities and feeling stressed about trying to make the rocks fit - which they don't and can't.

I want my marriage to be a priority, to be the wife I know I can be. I must make sure that I am caring for myself, and that I am making my school work being done to the highest standard possible. I see how I am making choices which push these rocks out of the jar and filling it with the sand of Facebook, Pinterest the Real Housewives of Anywhere... to name a few.

I am blessed that we had small group time during the retreat where we could share some of the revelations we found as well as the next small steps we wanted to make to ensure that our rocks reclaimed their place as our priorities. As we fill our lives with the things that are truly important to us we will feel less business and more contentment and in this way we can better bring glory to God as we seek to serve him.

I am feeling really inspired because I feel as though I have been in the same "stuck" place for a while now. As we process this pregnancy and open ourselves to the possibility that we could actually be having a baby we have to face our fears in the most painful and raw way. It is easier to turn on the TV and not have those conversations. It is more comfortable to talk about everything in theory saying "if" and not "when". It feels safer not change anything in our home to indicate this child could be joining our family in case something goes wrong and we have a physical reminder.

So we are stuck in this place of disconnection from reality. In that place we are safe but joyless. And joyless people don't have energy for cooking, cleaning or school work, let alone having the emotional capacity for relationships. This weekend was a break from the stuck. It reminded me what I was missing. Now I have to make to get my rocks and my sand in order!

Daddy duty and thinking ahead

2012-02-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

I know that often in pregnancy Daddy's can feel left out or disconnected from the baby until it's born. Of course in some ways this makes total sense, the baby is not growing in side their body, they won't feel movement in same amount or frequency that the mama can/will. I was wondering how J would be through this pregnancy, would he feel that some disconnect? And my prayer was that he would feel connected, and that he would feel involved in the pre-natal season of our child's life.

I am overwhelmed by the sense of responsibility J already feels toward the well being of our baby.

He has researched which foods I should be eating and even bought fish to help make our baby smart! ha ha
After reading something about how classical music can be stimulating for a child in utero every station in our car is classical! It is still crazy to me that our child can already hear the world around him/her. And what a sweet fact we found, that often babies in the womb can hear male voices sooner and more clearly because they are lower. So now he makes sure that "baby can hear him" if we are talking in bed before we go to sleep he pulls the cover down so my belly is exposed! ha ha

This week I ended up at a last minute doctors appointment because of a suspected UTI - the initial results were inconclusive for that kind of infection so I have to wait for the cultures to grow - (yuck) however I did test positive for another "down there" infection. Nice...and potentially way too much information to share?! Sorry if that's the case. Anyway, there is a simple treatment for the infection I have but if the UTI is confirmed I would have to go on antibiotics. I told J that they called in prescription for me to start taking now which I could continue or stop once the diagnosis come though. Then I get multiple emails form J with all this research about antibiotics and his concerns about some of them and birth defects. (So we have decided to hold off taking anything until something has been confirmed tomorrow)
But I love that he cared enough to research and be so concerned about his baby already.

I have no concerns about him as a father and especially about him feeling connected.
It makes my heart so happy to consider what a blessed little one we have on the way to have a father who already loves him/her so much.

In just 5 more weeks we will find out whether it is indeed a him or a her! We will also find out more about the specifics of their anatomy, we will make sure that their heart, kidneys and other vital organs are developing normally. Of course, I have a slight underlying fear that something will be less than perfect. I trust God's plan, but I also not his faithfulness is not dependent on us having a 'perfect' baby. We are once again called to submit to God's sovereignty and bigger plan.

But we can also desire a child who will not have to fight health battles their whole life. And that is our prayer. So please pray with us that he or she will get a clean bill of health at our scan. And that we will have peace in the weeks ahead as we wait for it!

Belated Valentine

2012-02-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

My belly is continuing to grow, we are officially 16 weeks tomorrow, and it's hard to hide that there is something growing in there! I am told that any time now I could start feeling little movements!! I can't wait. I know that will so wonders for my confidence in believing that this is actually happening. I also know that J who lays his head on my growing belly each night to see if he can hear or feel baby, will be very envious until he is able to feel him/her from the outside!

Happy belated Valentines day to you all. What a special day. I know some people don't like Valentines day because we should be doing nice things for those we love every day and not just on the one day society tells us too. I agree, but I also love taking a special day to think of extra special ways to show the one you love, just how much they mean to you and for that reason - I am a fan. Plus, I have a husband who very sweetly and predictably brings me beautiful flowers and chocolate every year so I have no reason to dislike it!

This celebration again excited me as I think ahead to our expanding family and how our celebration will be different next year with a little one to share in the love festivities. Selfishly I am quite happy to have had one final Valentines day where I alone am the apple of J's eye.

Driving this baby

2012-02-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

I can't believe the weekend is over already. I have done a lot of driving practice! I do not have a license, and have been working towards getting one for about a year. I am learning on an automatic and until last weekend we only had J's manual so we were borrowing cars for me to learn on. Then we decided that I would learn best if we just got a second car and had me drive every time we went somewhere together. So we did. I have a car now so I better learn to drive it!

This weekend we went out for about an hour and then later in the day we went out for another chunk of time at an empty parking lot to practice my parking....let's just say that we will need to be going back for more practice this week! ha ha

Today I drove to and from church which felt great.

I have struggled a bit moth nausea again the past few days which sucks. I thought I was past that. I am also really struggling to keep on top of my hunger. I am constantly hungry and constantly needing to eat but I am so tired of trying to think of snack to eat! Hoping this is just a growth spurt or something and the hunger might settle to a dull roar soon.

I managed to dust the bedroom and even got a load of laundry on tonight. I swear women who manage to keep on top of their housework, and jobs and other social and family commitments in early pregnancy deserve a medal...in my personal opinion, they are just showing off(!) All that to say I am hoping to be coming out of the zero energy stage of pregnancy. It's been a long time coming. I would be jumping up ad down with excitement but I just don't have the energy!! ha ha

Just an average day really

2012-02-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

So my test score from my class wasn't as bad as I thought. I guess I am managing to retain more French than I thought!

Today was my Dr's appointment, just a regular check up, as though this is just a regular pregnancy. I guess from the outside it looks normal enough. But to me this will always be a special pregnancy. I guess every mother feels this way, but this pregnancy is God's gift to us and we can't get over how blessed we are. It will never seem normal to us.
The visit was nothing special, she listened to the heart beat which she found easily and is still the most beautiful sound in the world, and strong at 160. My blood pressure was great and weight gain was technically nothing. I say technically because the last time I was weighed was when it was snowy here and I was bundled up so even though I took off my coat and boots that time I still had many more clothes on than this time!
I am weighing myself weekly so I know that I have gained about 1.5lbs since my last appointment. I guess that's good. I am still in my regular weigh 'zone' so getting on the scale isn't too much of a strange experience yet - but I am under no illusion that it will not climb up into never before reached territory! ha ha

As much as pregnancy has been consuming my blogs recently, I do have a few other things on my mind! One being that I am hosting a community group through my church this winter. and last night was the first meeting. It's called, "Let's spread the Love" and is about finding ways to encourage the missionaries that we support as a church. I have been part of the missions committee for almost 5 years and in that time we have had lots of idea about ways to support and encourage the missionaries Bethany but in recent years, our committee has had a drop in membership and we have been finding it hard to do anything more than just the essentials, so we are all really excited for this group to bring a new lease of life, and new ideas which will in turn encourage our missionaries, and help them to feel better supported.

Things not to do while pregnant #647

2012-02-08T07:57:00.000-08:00

Try to learn a language

Seriously. This quarter of school has by far been the most challenging for me. First of weeks of school I was still in the throws of nausea and extreme hunger, after which came total distraction when we hit our 12 week mark and the real day dreaming about babies began - and by day dreaming I also include the hours spent trawling the Internet for nursery ideas, and cute baby stuff in general! The past couple of weeks I am realising that I have retained little to nothing from this quarter, and I have a test today that I believe will uncover my secret. Yikes.

I can fully participate in class and feel like I know what I am talking about but somewhere between the classroom and getting home to do homework all I have heard and learned fall away. Maybe it fell out on the bus?

I had hoped that pregnancy brain would not interfere with my life too much but I really want to do well in this class, and it is frustrating that it is a little beyond my control and I feel like I am struggling.

Does this short term memory lapse get better or am I doomed? (Pretty sure I knew how to ask that in French once.)

In other news, our grocery budget last month was blown out of the water! seems that even though I am far from eating for two, I am craving variety so needing to eat every couple of hours whether a snack or a meal as well as eating gluten free has created a rather large whole in our grocery budget so we had to pull from other areas of the budget...good thing I have had 0 desire or energy to go out and our entertainment envelope has been untouched for sometime!

How to dress this changing body...

2012-02-07T07:14:00.000-08:00

About a month ago, I noticed that by the end of the day my jeans felt uncomfortable snug and I would have to undo the buttons to get to the end of the day.

I had heard rumor of a wonderful piece of clothing called a 'Belly Band.' The loop of material made of elastic that you can wear over the top of your undone jeans and trousers so that you can still wear non-maternity clothes even if they are too snug to wear done up all the time. I wore my belly band religiously until this past weekend when I think I have had to retire it. I was hoping that I would be able to stay in regular clothes way into my second trimester but it doesn't look like that is my most comfortable option.

By the end of last weekend my clothes were uncomfortable around my waist. My mother-in-law had taken me shopping for maternity clothes the week before last and I was happily surprised by what I found. The jeans with the huge elastic band...turns out they are not as ugly as you would think and potentially THE most comfortable pants I have ever worn. Why don't we make all jeans elastic-waisted?

Plus, the tank tops and t shirts in the maternity store are all really long, which will be great when I have a real pregnancy belly, but for now, they are just great for me as a tall person!

I imagined that pregnancy clothes would be like wearing a neon sign around my neck saying, "Look here, pregnant woman walking" and I was afraid that people would think I was silly because of the lack of baby bump. But the clothes just look like normal clothes, the only difference is that they fit wonderfully and feel great.

So, I guess my clothes shopping will be limited to only a few stores now, or a few departments but I am ok with that. I am excited to be able to dress my growing bump and still look cute. This will be the season for accessorising because as we all know earrings, necklaces and bracelets will fit no matter how big this belly gets!

I wish we had taken belly pics earlier (I first wrote belly shots, ha ha, not quite the same). Jeremy and I were both afraid that taking pictures too early would jinx the pregnancy or something, but now I don't have any of my lovely flat belly to use as a baseline! I am not sure when it became socially acceptable to take pictures of you tummy and show others but somewhere along the line it did. So here I am a week ago at 13 weeks.

N.T. scan and Snowmegedan 2012

2012-02-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

Written January 19th, 2012

It has been snowing like crazy for the past few days and today contained hours of snowfall and an ice rain storm. It is snow day 2 from school but we had our scan scheduled at the hospital and snow or ice, we were going to see you again little plum.

So we wrapped up warm, J is working from home too because the roads are so nasty, and off we set. Luckily the hospital is very close by so we didn't have to slip and slide for too long.

My bladder was full on arrival, as requested by the doctor, and in to the room we go with our lovely sonographer. I laid down and the probing began. Easy to see you baby and your strong heart beat. You are measuring well and growing like a weed. However, the sonographer saw that you were sitting up straight - very cute, like a little gummy bear but apparently is the absolute wrong position to get the measurements that they needed to. For an hour the sonographer worked to get you in the right position; I turned on my right, and to my left, she elevated my feet, prodded you with the wand, had me cough, had me walk laps around the hospital and eventually empty the bladder (thank you Lord!) You were batting back whenever she prodded you with the wand and you covered your sweet face with your tiny hands. It was just precious.

Let's not forget the moment you decided to wiggle like you were running, arms and legs going and I couldn't hold in my screech of laughter, it took me a good few minutes to settle myself and stop my belly from shaking. Man, you were cute!

The first sonographer called in reinforcements from her boss. He came in and tried to get you in the right position but to no avail so we were told to come back in an hour for another go!

Already a feisty little thing aren't you!!? I would expect nothing less as the contributor of half your genetics, and we love you so much already.

So, under the charge to refill my bladder for the second appointment, and not wanting to venture out into the arctic conditions more than we needed to we stopped at the little cafe in the hospital. J had a sandwich because he hadn't eaten lunch and suddenly this scan had become an all day affair and I had water and a hot chocolate. I may have over estimated just how much liquid I was consuming, because by the time we were called back into the exam room, I could literally not stand up straight because my bladder was so full! I must have looked so silly, but I couldn't think about it at the time I was too busy focussing on not peeing as I walked. Only a few minutes into the second scan the sonographer took pity on me and let me go to the toilet! Feeling much more comfortable, back on the table you were turned around, and though you were face down rather than the ideal face up they were able to measure what they needed to - you're so independent already! Everything was in the normal range which was good, and the blood work they did will come back in a week or so - we pray that that will also show you are as healthy as you are cute...

You are now the size of a plum, about 5cm from rump to head. Just precious and moving all over the place.

Surrender

2012-02-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

Written January 14th, 2012

Every morning I wake up pregnant is a new lesson in surrender. I have to balance my human fear with the peace that I can find in God's promise of faithfulness, but I am greatly aware that his faithfulness may not follow the plans I have. God is faithful. If our pregnancy goes to term, or if it ends tomorrow, He is still faithful.

I was so moved by something Michelle Duggar said at the memorial service her the baby she and her husband lost at 20 weeks. I don't have an exact quote, but it was along the line of how in awe she was that God's purpose had been fulfilled in this this little life in just the short time she was alive. I am trying to hold onto the truth that God's timing is perfect, and his plans give us life and hope. Each day I am pregnant is a gift, an opportunity to be thankful. I do not know the end of this story. I do not if this pregnancy will go to term, I have no guarantee that this baby will be in our arms. No guarantee. And no reason to believe that I deserve a happy ending. I am unworthy of such a gift, and am so aware of my own faults, failures and lack of faith.

Would I stand in awe of God's purpose fulfilled if this baby went to heaven before we meet him (or her)? Would I seek God's comfort? Perhaps, I am protecting my heart from this pain by expecting the worse, disconnecting from the hope this pregnancy brings?

I feel very conflicted as I have to make a choice each morning to step into God's plan. To allow total surrender to him. Not trying to hold onto to this experience in a way that holds me captive, but holding it with open hands to God's better purpose.

I don't "feel" pregnant today. I am tired, and aware that my body is dealing with something strange but I have not felt stretching like I have been used to, and not feeling nausea like I have before. Instead of having thankfulness be my initial reaction, I am instead fearful that it means things have ended and my baby's heart if not beating anymore. Of course, this is not the first time I have convinced myself that a symptom or lack of a symptom meant everything is over, only to be proved wrong at a scan showing a growing and perfect little bean, heart beating strong.

It's not fun to be so afraid. And it's not who I am purposed to be. Where is my joy? I don't want to put it on hold until August but how can I connect with it in this moment? Am I willing to risk investing fully in the hope and possibility of this pregnancy, the truth of God's goodness and power and the peace that passes all understanding? Am I prepared for the pain which would come from a loss at this late stage, after fully investing?

I don't know if I am willing to step into that unknown. And in the truth of my resistance and fear, I hear once again God's gentle call to full surrender.

This is a lesson I am learning every moment of every day. I hope to find more freedom to embrace the hope and joy as I choose to actively surrender to God.

Candy Craving

2012-02-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

Written Jan 10, 2012

(10 weeks 5 days pregnant)

This week has been the week of chewy sour candy...I can't get enough. I am really liking the gummy cherries and just polished off a packet of tropical Starbursts in record time. Still not wanting to eat chocolate, which is very strange...I am not sure what the sour candy craving means you need baby, but my teeth won't be happy if this continues.

Today I went out and ran some errands after class which felt really good. I have been coming home and taking a nap after school most days but that hasn't made me feel much better so perhaps exerting more energy will make things better? I guess we'll see.

I woke up with a monster headache when I had to pee at 6am (the third bathroom trip of the night). It was still there when I got up for the day a couple of hours yesterday. It is becoming a weekly occurrence, I hate headaches. I am trying to drink water and keep hydrated in case that is playing a role in them but it is hard to drink even more water when I already seem to spend half my life in the bathroom!

Today was a big day. I had two separate conversations about our baby, and I felt comfortable talking about it like we actually might be having a baby. If the unbuttoned pants were not enough of an indicator of the reality of the situation, my heart has not been able to hope that we might actually have a baby in our arms this year. As the second trimester approaches and week after week the baby is growing and developing normally, the fear is beginning to disperse and the hope is starting to shine through.

We are so aware that there are no guarantees in pregnancy. It still makes me envious when I read a facebook post saying. "we are having a baby in *insert month" meaning they are VERY newly pregnant, or even after gender scans, "we are having a boy/girl" Even then, the sense of confidence with which those statements are written makes me nervous. I am not sure that I can ever be so glib about it. IF we get to a gender scan, I can only ever imagine the statement, "I am pregnant with a *insert gender" I wish the experience didn't make me so guarded but at the same time, it makes me even more appreciative of every moment.

In the sickness, I am not wishing away the days but instead can be thankful to experience the crazy hormones of an early pregnancy. I can suck the juice out of each moment.

Still surreal

2012-02-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

Written January 6th 2011

Yesterday we went for our 10 week scan, the baby is measuring well, a few days behind, but I am told that is totally normal. We got to see him wriggling around even more and his little arms and legs were much clearer. (I am saying his because I don't want to say "it's" but God is still the only one who knows baby's gender)

I can't wait for week 13 when we officially announce and I can finally post up all these entries which have been sitting in my drafts folder for weeks and weeks! I haven't been as quiet as it may have seemed!

I am starting to really have trouble doing up my pants. Until this week I have been pretty much able to do up my jeans when I am walking around and just undone them when I am sitting but the pouch gained a little gumption recently and refuses to be tamed by the button on my jeans anymore. I found something online called a 'Belly band' which means I can wear my jeans undone without being socially inappropriate! The band goes over the whole area so regular pants can be worn further into pregnancy pushing off the need for actual maternity clothes for a little while. I am not sure how long the band will give me in my regular clothes, but I am told I shouldn't be getting a real baby belly for a little while yet. It certainly is at the point where at certain times of the day I have quite the bump and then at other times there is barely a hint of one. Below my belly button feels much firmer to the touch. I guess there really is something growing in there.

I am still feeling pretty disconnected from the baby, but very to the pregnancy. I know it is self protection, and I have promised myself once we hit (God willing, if we hit) 13 weeks I will let myself get excited and stop feeling like a fraud. I know its happening on an intellectual level, but it is still too surreal to actually think through where this might lead. I am not sure if it is more scary to think this could work than to think it may not at this point. For so long I was so focussed on getting and staying pregnant, I never really thought ahead to actually being pregnant.

That is a new reality, and one which I am holding off embracing for a few more weeks. For now I am happy in the limbo life. Well, not happy, but comfortable! Once we have told our secret and other people know what's going on, I won't be able to live in this place so I am making it home for the next couple of weeks, knowing I can't stay forever. It makes this time a little more sweet.

This weekend we are telling a few of our closest friends, people we want to tell in person. I know that will help me to start mentally packing to get ready to move out of this limbo land. Plus, I can't wait to share our joy and hope with them and the more people praying for our little bean the better!

Now it would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that today has been the worst sickness day in a while. I had to miss class this morning because I felt so sick, and all day I have felt nauseous and exhausted. I am not complaining, but I think it deserves a mention, if only to make me super grateful for the days when I haven't felt that way - and hopefully for the days ahead when these moments will be gone. I hear that soon my hormones will be evening out and my body will begin to feel more human and predictable again. That may be an overstatement. I will have a growing belly and I am sure a million other strange pregnancy consequences, but I hear rumors of starting to glow very soon. I need to keep that end in sight. Bring on the glow, right now, I am not even dimly lit!

About the Christmas reveal

2012-02-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

Written December 27th, 2011

Little bean, you are making it pretty tricky to keep your existence a secret at the moment. We told your grandparents you were growing over Christmas and I am sure you have felt their prayers ever since, they were so excited. I was glad to tell them for a million reasons, but one because it gave them a reason to not worry about me sleeping 18 hours a day during our Christmas celebrations!

This week, I am still having waves of nausea, they hit further apart but more intense. I am not sure if that's better or worse. The hardest symptom for me to cope with now is the exhaustion. I wake up tired, do very little in the days (at least while I wait for school to start), then I nap for a couple of hours before waring myself out by eating something and then being in bed before 9pm. According to what I have been reading, this week my hormones will stabilize and this will start me on a road to feeling a bit more normal again. I can't wait...but I will take all of this if it means you are growing healthy and strong in there little one.

We get to see you again in a couple of days. I always get nervous before a scan because I have a fear that they will tell me you have stopped growing, or your heart has stopped beating. I hope and pray for a healthy report and even more pictures of you! I think you have almost grown out of your tail, so that's good.

8 weeks pregnant

2012-02-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

Written December 22nd, 2011

Feeling so sick. I hope this mean you are growing strong little raspberry. Today we hit our 8 week ark, and apparently you grew from a blueberry to a raspberry in just a week. I am not sure they how they figure that out, but I just want you to be growing healthy and strong.
My tummy continues to cramp and twinge and feel stretched so I am hoping these are continuing signs of you making yourself at home.

By the end of the day my tummy is so very bloated and your daddy and I pray that one day my belly will stick out like like that because its full of you baby and not just gas and poop - which is gross, but apparently accurate at this point in a pregnancy!

I discovered via Facebook that another friend is having a baby this summer. I keep letting myself get excited about the possibility of sharing this journey with friends - but I still can't quite let myself believe it is happening.

I am so ready to share our news. I know we are keeping it a secret for our own peace of mind and of course a dramatic Christmas reveal for our parents but I feel very alone in a situation that feels overwhelming. I need prayer and feel as though it may be a prayer burden on the shoulders of the very few people we have shared with.

I look forward to confessing.

Wiggle

2012-02-01T01:46:00.000-08:00

Written December we, 2011

Another scan today. We had to make sure that your little heat that had just begun beating a week ago had got stronger. And it had. Today we saw your heart beating at 163 beats per minute. Just as the technician was telling us that by next week we might even see you moving around, you gave us a little wiggle! It was so sweet. Clearly you like to be the center of attention - you are my child!

We also got more pictures of you. We already have enough for an album!

We have decided to tell your Grandparents and your aunt and uncle the news of your presence at Christmas which is only a few more days away. I know they are going to be so happy to hear you are on your way and they will be so thrilled that they can meet you next summer. They have been praying for you for as long as we have, you are already so loved. Just keep growing healthy and strong little one. We are so in love with you already.

Lies of Fear

2012-01-31T08:06:00.000-08:00

Written December 13th 2011

Sometimes your body just knows...but sometimes fear tells your body lies.

I had a scan scheduled for Thursday but my fading pregnancy symptoms and some strange and scarily familiar cramping, heaviness and general not good feelings put me in panic mode. I called my doctor in tears and she managed to get me in for a scan this afternoon.

I am trying to deny that this could really be over, even though in my heart, I think that is what my sense is but I don't know if that's because pregnancies ending is all I know. I feel like I am disconnected from the little being that had been growing. I am not feeling stretched out, I am not making room from anything to grow. My body feels as though it is preparing to pass this pregnancy.

I pray Lord, that your miracle promise will come to be and that there will be a heartbeat. A strong heartbeat. I am not sure how I would handle my own loss in front of an ultra sound technician and Jeremy. I am not sure whether hearing the sad news, or hearing it in front of others is more what I am afraid of. Miscarriage is terrifying but I feel it and I handle it on my own, it happens to my body. I can shut everyone else out. No way to do that when someone else is telling you sad news.

Lord, restore my hope and peace if there is something to hope for. Renew the spirit of my mind to believe in your promises and trust your plans. Lord, please quiet the voices of the enemy and the lies and fear he wants me to believe. Protect this pregnancy if it is still alive.

Back from the scan...

Ok, ok, ok, I get it. You can do miracles. Back from the scan, heartbeat of 113. Not as strong as I personally would have liked but the tech said she wanted to see something over 100 which it was but of course I am struggling to find peace still. I really need you Lord to transform my heart and mind to believe this is going to work and not be waiting for a painful loss.

Worried and Changing Symptoms

2012-01-31T04:19:00.000-08:00

I love sharing these old posts with you all and I really love reading them back myself. Seeing God's answer to my prayers over and over, seeing his grace and faithfulness unfolding in every line.
(Warning: This post may be a little TMI in places, one in particular)

Written December 12th 2011

A little freaked out, to put it mildly.

This morning I felt a little queasy, but nothing to take note of really. After class, I headed home and felt no symptoms all day except a little backache and some weird sensations that something wasn't/isn't right.

Ate dinner.

After which I had a mad dash to the bathroom where my behind exploded, TMI? Sorry. It was as gross as it sounds. After which I got hit with nausea BIG TIME. However, until now, I have had stretching and nausea that all made me confident in a healthy pregnancy. This upset stomach and following sicky feeling feels different. No stretching tummy, haven't had that for a day, and this nausea feels like its from something I ate or the stomach flu, not pregnancy.

Please just be the answer to my prayers for pregnancy symptoms to return. Please Lord, don't prove me foolish to believe what I believe I heard you promise about this pregnancy. Please don't let this be over, don't let this happen again. Please Lord settle my stomach. If today was just symptom free, enjoyable pregnancy let me have peace to appreciate it!

Thursday cannot come fast enough because we will know how you are doing little bean. I hope and pray that we will see your heart beating strong. Please Lord, let this be the fleece to show us that you are knitting this miracle together in my womb, and creating him in your image to be your child on this earth.

I feel awful. Like with every movement I could throw up. I know there are bugs going around. Perhaps it's not pregnancy related at all? I am not sure if that would be good or bad. On the one had the stomach flu is just plain horrible, but on the other hand, the stomach flu when you are also having a miscarriage would be worse. Please Lord protect this pregnancy, keep my body healthy and strong, protect our baby. Give him a strong and healthy heart...oh and if you could keep the nausea at bay until after my final on Wednesday is over I would really appreciate it.

Hello Morning sickness

2012-01-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

Written December 11, 2011

I have some strange things happening in my body.

Yesterday I felt awful. Like the worst hangover of all time, without any of the fun of drinking the night before. Exhausted and nauseous. Hungry all day but nothing sounded good to eat. Jeremy was trying to be so sweet and supportive, "what can I get you, what sounds good?" NOTHING. Nothing sounds good in fact, the options you are talking about are just making more more and more nauseous. Please stop. Please just make something, anything, and put it in front of me. I will try and eat it.

Then today, after an ok nights sleep I woke feeling tired and sluggish but able to keep down breakfast without a problem...and then feeling ok provoked fear in me heart. Where did my symptoms go? Oh no, whats wrong? Is something wrong? Something must be wrong. After hours of praying to feel some relief yesterday, now I am praying for returning symptoms to knock me off my felt as a reassurance that everything is still growing in there ok. Please baby, show mama that you're there.

Weird. I guess the monster heartburn could be the symptom of the day today instead, but I would like a little predictability to my symptoms. I just keep worrying about making it to school for my final on Wednesday without having to leave to puke. I have to take the final to receive a grade for the class, so even if I just show up and fill in an answer or two then I can at least leave knowing I will get a grade, probably not the grade which would actually represent the knowledge I have gained this quarter, but hopefully enough to get me a passing grade. Lord, please give me a grace period around that test. I would like to have the pronounced symptoms for my own peace of mind, but if for tomorrows class and for Wednesdays final you can calm my tummy that would truly be a miracle...on top the the one you are knitting together in my womb. If I can be morning sickness free for my final and even more see a healthy heartbeat on Thursday my cup would be overflowing. More than I could ever imagine. Overflowing.

Praying for you little baby. Praying for a strong heart, one that is whole and perfectly formed, beating well and one that will sustain your life for a lifetime of love. I still can't believe we would be this blessed, that I would get to carry a baby in my body and to feel him kick and turn get the hiccups just as I have felt in the pregnant bellies of friends. I am undeserving. I did nothing to deserve this, and I have no say over the ending of this story. This life is not my own, and I have to trust in God's plans. I want this pregnancy to result in a healthy perfect baby in our arms but there are no guarantees. So for today, the eased morning sickness, the weird hungover feeling and the bloating I am choosing to be thankful. Thankful that I get to be pregnant today. Thankful that we made it this far, 6 weeks, 3 days! I can't believe I get to hope and dream about this child and that I get to experience even the yucky stuff of pregnancy because I am so painfully aware that so many women would give and sacrifice so much to have this experience.

Thank you Lord. Please grant me your peace, and please keep our baby growing healthy and strong.

P.S. If you are having a Christmas party in the coming days, or have invited us to do something fun to celebrate the holiday season which we have declined for nonspecific reasons I apologise. We have been party-poopers for a good reason, even if we can't tell you why yet. I hope you will consider it a good excuse when you find out!

Baby's first picture

2012-01-29T08:34:00.000-08:00

Written December 8th, 2011

It feels strange to be writing this knowing that I am not going to hit publish for quite some time. God willing it will be when we have hit 13 weeks - or enough weeks we just can't contain ourselves. Right now, we are 5-6 weeks pregnant.

Today we took baby's first picture. I was told to expect to just see the sac, for how early I am that is all they wanted to see. I admit I asked God if he could swing it for us to see more and he once again came through.

The ultrasound tech was so great and explained everything we were looking at. The yolk sac, the fetal pole, and she even said she saw something flickering...a heartbeat. It was too early to really see the heartbeat but she said she was happily surprised to see as much as she did.

(see the grain of rice in the middle - yep, that's our baby)

Our baby has a fetal pole...or it is a fetal pole? Whatever, inside the little black blob floating around in there is something which looks like a grain of rice and that is the fetal pole and it's a good thing. We go back in a week and are praying for a healthy heartbeat. I know that there are no guarantees in pregnancy but once you see the heartbeat the chance of miscarriage are reduced significantly.

We have never made it this far into a pregnancy. I am two days further than ever before. Two days further and with a visible fetal pole!

I may be just shy of 6 weeks but this little guy is making his (or her) presence known. I have been in bed before 8 every day this week and taken a nap on the couch every afternoon too. I am also starting to experience those wonderful waves of nausea which remind me things are far from business as usual in my body.

The nausea is competing for my attention with extreme hunger. I have eaten two quesadillas for lunch and I am still starving. I switch between no appetite and feeling as though I have the hunger of a pack of teenage boys. Last night the only thing I could bear to eat was raw carrots, but I couldn't eat them fast enough. I guess it could be worse. I'm trusting you baby to tell me what you want to eat and I'll do my best to get it to you. Please just keep on growing healthy and strong.

4 & 5 weeks

2012-01-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

Written December 4th, 2011

Dear baby, I am your mama. Please keep being kind to me. So far, apart from some pretty ouchie cramping and stretching, end of the day belly bloat, and the fact that I could literally fall asleep at 7pm for the night waking only to pee, your presence is hard to feel. Apparently nausea is waiting just around the corner, but if you want to spare me that joy I would be forever grateful.

I guess you are only the size of a sesame seed. With that said, why do you need everything to stretch out so much for your little seed body-to-be? It hurts bubba, and freaks me out, thinking you might be leaving before you are fully cooked, so quit it already.

The only other addition to my normal is forgetfulness. I know people talk about pregnancy brain, but I was not expecting it to hit as soon as the second line appeared, and I certainly didn't expect it to be so selective. In the past couple of weeks I have gone into the bathroom and been met with an un-flushed toilet multiple times. At first I chastised Jeremy and mumbled things about boys and their toilet habits, but then I realised that the last toilet user was none other than myself. The first time it happened, I laughed, the second time I thought it was weird and the third, fourth and fifth times I just resigned my self to the fact that my brain is struggling to handle pregnancy hormones.

Yesterday at 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant, this selective bathroom-related-memory loss morphed to a different, specific, but less gross variety. I had been trying to make a concerted effort to check the toilet flushing had happened before leaving the bathroom and I was confident I had been successful and I exited the bathroom and rejoined Jeremy on the couch to watch our movie. However, after only a minute or two Jeremy asked, "what's that noise?"
I listened and suddenly could make out the sound of water splashing. On closer inspection the tap I turned on to wash my hands, which I had done, was happily still pouring water down the drain. I had forgotten to turn it off again.

Baby, I know I am supposed to eat well to make sure you grow healthy, but if this bad memory thing continues I am not going to be able to use the stove without a chaperone so I hope you like raw veggies!

In two days I will officially have been pregnant longer than ever before. My wonderful doctor has allowed me to have blood draws every 2 days since we took our test to see that our levels have been rising which they have, beautifully. Every time I put out a fleece for God, giving him a number I thought was a bit extreme and he went ahead and hit it, or beyond it. Reassuring my heart and giving me a peace that this is good. That this time it might be worth buying a pregnancy journal, and that we might have to postpone our plans to be in England for the Olympics because our due date would be while we were gone.

I know you are still tiny, and I believe tailed at this point, but we already love you and have hopes to hold you one day.

This morning at church the message was about hearing God and responding. How when God told Zechariah he and his wife would have a child (John the Baptist) he questioned how it could happen. When the angel appeared to Mary and told he she would be the mother of Christ, she certainly wrestled with God but she had faith that what she heard would come to be. Not that the coincidence is lost on me that this illustration was about babies being born, I know it is bigger than just babies, but for today this message could not have been more spot on.

I believe God told me this pregnancy would be different. I have never felt a peace about a pregnancy before. Even when I wanted to believe it might end differently I think in my heart of hearts I knew they would not. This time, I believe God told me to test - earlier than I would have usually - and I started my medication regime earlier than ever, and introduced a few new pill friends this time too.

How am I responding to God's revelation? Am I so fearful that I cannot embrace the possibility and joy that this is his very special gift to us. Or am I questioning his power and faithfulness? Truthfully, I am trying to embrace the joy but fighting through the fear of our past experiences, but Lord, I want to know your peace and more fully understand your revelation.

Asking for 25

2012-01-27T08:09:00.000-08:00

The secret is out. Officially in our second trimester of pregnancy and officially not just chubby. It has been a crazy couple of years to get here, and the journey of these past 13 weeks is important and special and worthy of praise to God. I have been blogging to remember along the way, and so I want to share the whole story with you. We are back in business on the blog! Enjoy our story so far...

This post was originally written November 23rd 2011

Saturday November 19th, 2011. Feeling weird, I prayed this prayer before I fell asleep.

Dear God, I know it is only 9 days since I ovulated but I think I might be pregnant...again. If I a just crazy help me to wake up and pee WITHOUT remembering to take a test if I am just being silly. Otherwise remind me and I will take the test.

Sunday Nov 20, 2011

5.30am - Wide awake. With thoughts of peeing on sticks.

7.00am - peed on a stick. Faintest of faint lines appears

7.15am - start taking pregnancy meds regime and call the clinic to report my +hpt

9.45am - Blood draw at the Fertility Clinic - they don't mess around

11.45am - Missed the call from the clinic so they left a message. Level is 6.6 "Practically a negative result" My heart sinks, but I can't shake the feeling that God has something up his sleeve.

Monday Nov 21, 2011

8.00am - At school for yoga, after sharing with my teacher my potential situation, she sets me in the corner in restorative pose, relaxing while my classmates do headstands all around me. Feel a bit like a fraud, but 6.6hcg and the meds are already making me nauseous.

Praying all day. Lord, I don't know if I can go through another loss. Please let me know soon if this is not going to work out so my heart doesn't have to be in this limbo for too long. My follow up blood draw in tomorrow morning, they want the numbers to double in 48 hours. Lord, please let me know tomorrow. Keep my levels low if this isn't going to work out. If this is IT, if this is a pregnancy that will end with a baby please give me a level of 25. More than double...double double. Please Lord.

Tuesday Nov 22, 2011

7.45am - Another blood draw at the clinic

10.30am - Missed call from the adoption agency. Our case worker presents a case of a potential birth mother and would like us to consider having our profile shown to her. Lots of complications. Lots. Oh, and baby due to be born by C-section, across the country in 10 days.

Wow. So many thoughts of babies I am not able to focus on anything.

2pm - Clinic called, this mornings hcg is at 28. Burst into tears. Not sure if it was fear or relief. Next blood draw scheduled for 2 days...

Beyond Humbled

2012-01-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

It was our big reveal today and we are beyond overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support we have been shown. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What a joy to share this news with our community and feel the joy and excitement of others for us. I had totally underestimated how invested other people have been in our journey and the connection so many friends have to this child because of their prayers. I have never felt alone on this journey to parenthood but my heart is so full from all the sweet comments, messages, emails, and voice mails we received in such a short time since our announcement.

This child is so covered in prayer, and has been long before his or her conception. I do not know the plan God has for our child's life, but I am confident that this kid has a purpose beyond what I can imagine and I feel honored to be his/her mama already.

Oh, and here is a shot of Baby B. We are so in love!

Oh Boy, Oh Boy ( or Oh Girl, Oh Girl ?!)

2012-01-26T15:10:00.000-08:00

This is a post a long time coming. 13 weeks to be exact.

Jeremy and I are thrilled and terrified in the same amounts to announce we are expecting a baby at the beginning of August.

This was not in the way we had been most recently planning, adoption had truly become the desire of our hearts but we are so very grateful that God's plans and timing are beyond our understanding - because we are truly excited beyond words about this pregnancy.

I have gone back and forth about when and how to share this news; how to make this announcement in a way that celebrates the miracle in our lives and be gentle for those who are not yet at this step on their journey. I am sorry if this news is hard for anyone to hear.

We recognise we have done nothing special to deserve this gift and I think our losses have given us a perspective we not otherwise have. Each day is a gift. Each milestone is something to celebrate and be thankful for. We have no guarantees. We don't know the end of this story. But today we are blessed to be pregnant.

It may have seemed that all has been quiet on the blog for a while, but in reality, I have been eagerly journalling this experience and hitting the 'save to draft' button. Not quite ready to tell our story. But it's back to business as usual on here now!

Over the next little while I will be posting some of those saved blogs to share some of the early days of this pregnancy. While I have no intention to only blog about pregnancy, my blog has always been a narrative of our lives; through marriage to miscarriage, adoption and now to pregnancy. I write about my life, and for now this pregnancy is the significant event going on so it will be mentioned. This blog has accumulated readers from all over the place, many of whom I know in real life, but others who have been journeying blogland with me from various spheres of life, some being others living with infertility and loss. I never intended this to be an infertility or adoption blog, it's just where life took us, and now, its taking us somewhere new but we are forever impacted by the seasons of life before this. I completely understand if this pregnancy is not something you want to continue reading about because of where you are in your journey and you need to take a break from checking the blog for a while. Make the decision that is kindest for you and the place you find yourself and know you are understood.

I have gone back and forth about when and how to share this news; how to make this announcement in a way that celebrates the miracle in our lives and be gentle for those who are not yet at this step on their journey. I am sorry if this news is hard for anyone to hear.

So for now I will sign off by thanking you all for your faithful support of us along the way and for your love and friendship, and by asking for your prayers. We are praying for continued health and well being for me and this baby during the remainder of our pregnancy, and for Jeremy and I to be able to find a good balance between protecting our hearts from the fear of another potential loss and at the same time embracing the joy and hope of this season and the expectation of good things to come.

Snow Day!

2012-01-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

There have been snow flurries in Seattle for the past few days, but they are forecasting a heaving dumping later today and overnight. This morning, as the snow had already started falling, I excitedly checked my college web site to see if classes had been cancelled. Lucky for me, they only cancelled the early classes and any ending at or before 10am and my French class starts at 10.

I got us and out, The bus came on time and I was thankful that I could at least get to class without freezing. And then the bus driver, who knows where I get off, told me that the buses were running on snow routes today and would be turning off the road the college is on before it reached my stop. I got off at the closest stop, but it was still a 10 minute walk away. By now the snow had turned into more freezing rain, and the ground underfoot was certainly slick. Not fun.

The parking lot at school was so empty, I wondered if there would be anyone in my class but we actually had a full house. As our class was coming to an end, our professor exclaimed, "OH LA LA, il neige!" We turned to look behind us at the windows in the back of the classroom to see a blanket of white had fallen during our class and the flakes were now huge and heavy.

I am so thankful to my friend Mary who offered me a ride home in her Subaru so I didn't have to trek up to find a bus. I am home now, and the snow seems to be taking a break from falling here right now but there is a forecast of much more to come later today and tonight. Fairly certain that school will be closed tomorrow because of the threatened inches - SNOW DAY!

Hoping J heads home early from work so he doesn't get caught in the scary traffic as the roads get more slippery when the temperature falls later in the day.

Hope that wherever you are today, you are keeping warm xx

New Years Eve 2011

2011-12-31T11:21:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a year. A good year. There have been valleys as well as peaks but overall this year was kind to us.

Our hope is that this will be the last year we will start as a couple and not as a family. Praying that God has that in His Hands and will make our lives beautiful in that way in His time.

Wishing you all a blessed and hope-filled new year.

Chrissie x

Christmas...and beyond

2011-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas time. We spent a glorious few days at my in-laws. It was very low key. J was still getting over his flu so he wasn't up to much, and his sister and i were on the tail end of colds so we were not exactly the life of the party either. However, we had lots of good food, played games, watched football, and of course opened presents and a good time was had by all. I think we were all enjoyed the very laid back celebration.

With J still feverish and hacking up a lung, I slept in a room with my lovely sis-in-law. At first I was quite sad at the idea of not waking up next to j on Christmas morning but honestly it was really fun to spend the nights up chatting about life the universe and everything with her. At holiday times, I am always reminded how blessed I am to have married into such a great family. I know its not always the case that you get a package deal with a great guy, but I really did.

We came home with a car full of fun goodies, including an ice cream maker and recipe book which I am SO excited to try out! We also got an electric blanket which we have been turning on before we climb in. Our house is usually warm at night, but somehow the heat stays out of the bed and getting into a freezing cold bed is never nice. The blanket gets the bed all nice and warm so we never again have to do that crazy dance where you get in and flap arms and legs around trying not to freeze!!

Jeremy totally scored too with a massage chair from his parents which is just wonderful. Luckily he shares willingly so I get to have turns too!

We are hoping to use this week to get a few house things done while is off from work but we are making sure to be doing a lot of just relaxing together too. Tonight I made something really simple for tea, jacket potato with Heinz beans and a green salad and we are watching the final Harry Potter on DVD. I love these quiet nights in together...now we just have to figure out what to do for new years??!

What was your favourite Christmas present?

Only 4 more sleeps!!!!

2011-12-21T11:18:00.000-08:00

So Christmas joy has finally got to our house. Christmas joy and the flu...I could have done without the second thing. We were both feeling pretty off this weekend but I wonder if my symptoms were more sympathy symptoms because I feel fine without anything really coming to a head, but poor J has been in bed for the last few days with the shivers and an achy body. He has been sleeping in the other room to try and avoid giving me his germs. That feels weird. It's like we had a fight I don't know about or something! I hate not sleeping next to him.

Thankfully, he seems to be on the mend today which I am very happy about because it would be so sad for him to be sick over Christmas.

I opened door 21 on my Cadbury's chocolate advent calendar today. So glad that my mum still send me one of those each year. Honestly, the anticipation that comes from opening a little door each day is crazy. I am a grown woman yet this little tradition certainly helps my Christmas spirit soar!

Last Christmas was tough. We had so many unanswered questions about our pregnancy losses and our future as parents. We didn't know what our family was going to look like or how we were going to get there. This Christmas we have hope. So much hope.

We don't always understand the ways God works, but we have continued to surrender our plans and our family to His plans and we know he is faithful. We know our family will be a reflection of his love for us. And we look forward to sharing the story of our family as a continued testimony of Gods faithfulness.

This year J and I gave ourselves a Christmas budget - Thanks Dave Ramsey! We have been putting money aside all year in our Christmas fund and now I get to spend it. This sounded great until I realised I had to make a plan to keep on budget. This is not good news for a free-spirit-Christmas-spender! I feel as though J is the person who will notice the budget the most under the tree this year. I love to buy him things and this year, I had to restrict myself. So this year, I hope my hugs and kisses can make up for the lack of presents from me - assuming her is not longer contagious of course, otherwise hell have to take a rain check!

Welcome if you are here from ICLW - Please let me know you stopped by, and if you are interested in our journey so far, please check out the post on the left-hand side.

Only 4 more sleeps people!!!

And into the Christmas Spirit we go...

2011-12-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

I am done! Thank you for all the good wishes. I actually feel pretty good about my French final, I won't know my grade for a little while but I think I did well enough to pass so I can take the following class next quarter.

I am celebrating my freedom by sleeping in and eating my chocolate from my advent calendar for breakfast. It's amazing. And I am not even feeling guilty yet.

Tomorrow is one of my favourite new holiday traditions, the all day Christmas movie marathon that our dear friends host. They release the movie schedule and people come and go throughout the day. We usually wear something that closely resembles pajamas and bring along blankets and pillows etc. We will be popping out for a movie length in the afternoon to attended a cookie exchange but then will be back for the evenings viewing. Ho ho ho!

I have not felt like we have fully embraced the Christmas spirit this year and with only ten days to go before the big day I am hoping this weekend will kick us into high gear. We also have to pick up a gingerbread house kit this weekend because we are putting them together with friends next week. Another goofy and fun tradition.

I loved the Christmas episode on 'New Girl' where they went to see the Christmas lights int he neighborhood. We have a plan to go exploring some of the neighbourhood displays in our area because I LOVE Christmas lights. It is just magical to see everything sparkling.

Something else which will be sparkling in my house soon is a brand new fridge. We have had three unsuccessful attempts to have this thing delivered, and we have taken groceries out of our current fridge each of those times, only to have to return them because of a whole spectrum of excuses. But today I feel it's going to be different and that this time we will be putting them back into a beautiful new one. It will be a pre-Christmas miracle!

Is it Friday yet?

2011-12-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

I know it's Thursday night but seriously, this feels like the longest week ever. I have crossed off a lot of things academically, but it feels like the never ending list.
I am having a hard time believing this quarter will ever end!

Also, Christmas is right around the corner how did that happen? I am usually so one the ball but this year, I have let things slide a little. I thought I was ahead of the game but I just realised that the cards I wrote are still sitting on the counter, next to the ones I still have to write but that had got forgotten.

Then I was certain I was done with my shopping but unless I have a pile of presents somewhere that I bought and forgot I still have a few (pretty important) ones to figure out. I do have things packaged for the UK which is great...but they have yet to make it to the post office so I am not patting myself on the back just yet!! ha ha

I do like this time of year though, the lights and the glitter everywhere...I think I just need to be done with school so I can fully embrace it. Counting down to Wednesday at 12.30!

Struggling to finish strong

2011-12-06T21:49:00.001-08:00

Jeremy has been gone for work this week. And while I don't like him being gone, it does give me some great time to catch up with girlfriends who I easily neglect when normal life mode kicks in. I seriously have some of the most amazing ladies in my life.

It is also the last full week of school and I am really struggling to stay focused and keep my head in the game. I have an oral presentation in my French class tomorrow and a quiz on Friday before the final next Wednesday. Yuck. I hate tests. I get so nervous, and as soon as I get to a question that I don't know I freeze and seem to forget everything. I like to pretend tests are not happening, so my nerves don't get the better of me. However, putting off studying to fool myself into thinking a test is far off is not really that helpful.
I also have final assignments and a final in my other class so there is a lot of things which should be filling me time - but aren't. This quarter is dragging like none before it. I am not sure why...I think maybe our adoption journey now feels so real and so immediate that school work seems a bit pointless.

I know that once I have my two year degree, probably in a year or less, I will feel great about my accomplishment but the next few quarters might drag on like this one. And lets face it, once we have a baby in our arms my motivation for school work will be totally gone so I guess I should try and keep my head in the game as much as possible now in case our baby comes sooner rather than later and I have limited motivated time!!

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Not chosen

2011-12-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to write a very quick update to let you know we heard that the birth mother who had been shown our profile has chosen another family to parent her baby. Of course it stings a little to not have been chosen, but we trust that this little one has a wonderful family to grow up in and we feel honored to have been able to bathe her entry into the world in prayer.

We had a sense that this was not our baby, but we would have loved to be wrong, so now wait and we look forward to seeing God's plan come to be in our family.

Thanks you for all your encouraging and supportive words, we truly appreciate them.

Community

2011-12-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

Really struggling to focus on the school assignments that are staring me down today. I had a wonderful morning at church, full of friends and not enough time to really catch up with everyone that I wanted to.

On Thursday last week, I had an open house ladies night for ladies at our church to get to know one another in an informal environment, over wine and dessert. My husband kept asking me what we were going to do at ladies night, he and his male brain had a hard time grasping the fact that little planning is necessary when you throw a bunch of ladies in a space with chocolate and vino. That is what we are doing!

I was excited by the great turn out and by the sweet, real conversations we were able to have during the evening. Old and new friends alike. It was a glimpse of the community in our lives, and I felt truly honored to be able to be a part of a church community who desire to be truly known, and present in each others lives. I just kept looking around thinking, this is what its supposed to be like.
Not that our church is perfect, but it is a platform for us to know Christ and one another in a more authentic way and to serve others in our community.

This morning, the advent reading, the worship, the message, the post service conversation was just another confirmation of God's plan for our lives. We were to be a part of this church.

Life is feeling very full at the moment. Not in a busy way particularly, but full of good things, full of relationships, full of laughter...and homework. I guess I am back around to struggling with motivation for that, which is probably my sign to stop blogging and get on with it.

I hope that where ever you are today, you are experiencing the peace, joy and hope of this Christmas season.

Easy Weekend

2011-12-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

So no news is good news? I am not sure if I am sure about that but we haven't heard anything even though the baby has been born. We should hear either way, so perhaps the birth mother is having second thoughts? Who knows?

I do know that I have felt very certain that this situation came to us so we could ask for prayer for this little life. I have felt very peaceful as I have prayed for health and protection over her life, very certain that in my times of intercession I was in the center of Gods will. Not a certainty that this child will be in our home but a certain sense that for this short time we were here to cover her with prayer. And in that we feel like parents. Like God is continuing to transform our hearts.

This has been a learning curve. A glimmer of what is to come perhaps.

So I am writing our Christmas cards, silly pictures of the hubs and I. No cute baby this year. I thought that this could have been a sad reminder. I know that for some couples struggling with infertility, or waiting to adopt the holiday season is just a reminder that another year has passed by without a baby in their lives. Last year was hard for us, I was cautious about being too merry this year but the holiday blues have evaded me (so far.)

We have had a lovely, relaxing start to our weekend. Friends over for brunch and then watching Christmas movies, the Christmas card writing, and simple, lovely time with Jeremy.

Not such a bad life really. Not at all.

Not trying to keep you hanging...

2011-11-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

Know we are hanging right there with you!

After getting the word that the expectant mother wanted to see our book, we printed out our letters to her and the other information we needed to have attached in the book and then dropped it at our adoption office at about 7am (before it opened, we just slid it under the door! But we wanted it to be there first thing!) And they sent it off.

The baby is still going to be born just as soon, we may just not have a s much notice if we were to be chosen and that is kinda stressing me out. I have another couple of weeks left of school and finals and stuff so I am trying to stay focused but that's easier said than done.

This advent season is all about anticipation for us and I am trying to draw closer to God in this time of waiting. Trying to hear his voice and remember his promises. I trust his plan is for our best and our anticipation only builds as we more deeply understand this truth.

Having been feeling a little off lately I am raring to get on with the Christmas festivities. I am about to whip up a batch of sugar cookies for tomorrow nights ladies night and I will be accompanied in my Christmas baking by a Lifetime Christmas movie of some sort! Promise to let you know any news when we do! I am feeling fairly peaceful that this is not our time, but of course we would be thrilled if it was.

More waiting!

2011-11-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

When I saw our caseworkers number on my phone call I braced myself to hear, "she has chosen another couple"

Instead, I heard, "Her pregnancy counselor called and wants you to send your full profile book (we had just sent our basic profile sheet before because our books are still in transit!)

So now, we have to get our books over to the office to send out first thing tomorrow. I guess she still wants to see us. However, our caseworker did say that lots of people had agreed to be shown to her, so she may well chose another family before our book makes it to her but as of today she is still undecided.

And we can't quite relax just yet. I am ok with that. I know I would have been sad to hear we have not been chosen, but i am praying that she at least has a chance to see our profile before she decides.

Jesus, I know you have this. We have been waiting so long for your gift of a child and are praying that if this is that child then your plan will come to be.

In the waiting

2011-11-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

Feeling kinda yucky today. I have been a bit under the weather this whole week. I am not sure if its a physical reaction to the reality that our profile is being shown, as my mother suggested, or simply doing too much while living in a cold and wet city! Either way, the weather is a good reflection of how I am feeling.

I am trying to go on with life as normal. Planning meals for the week, and grocery shopping. Getting Christmas gifts wrapped and ready to mail home to England (really must get on that!) and making dates with friends for dinner or coffee or game night as we embrace the holiday season as a reason for fun. But it is hard to keep my mind distracted. The uncertainty just sucks all my energy.

I had a spurt of energy just now and tidied away our Christmas decoration boxes so all that is left is pretty decorations. That's a good thing but it did take me two days.

I am hosting a Christmas ladies night, for the ladies from my church this week so I wanted to have decorations up for that. At least now I know that all I will have to do to get ready for the party is to give the bathroom a wipe over and the carpet a quick vacuum! There will be baking too, but that isn't s chore to find enthusiasm for!

Last week Joann fabrics had a free shipping day, so I took full advantage and ordered some lolly pop sticks (which were already on sale) to try my hand at making cake pops, or something similar. I have a recipe for chocolate-mint ones, which look so cute, so we will see if they turn out well. I like having an excuse to try fun treats when I am not going to get left eating them all!

I really dislike feeling this lack of energy during this season. I love all things Christmas so I know I am feeling off when I am forcing myself to jingle! Hoping that a new week will give us certain answers about this adoption situation, and that I can find joy in the wait. Joy, and an appetite for Christmas cookies!! ha ha

News...

2011-11-26T14:17:00.000-08:00

I have struggled to blog this week. I would love to blame the holiday business but truthfully, I have always wanted this blog to be an open book of our lives. God is doing wonderful things, out of the ashes comes beauty again and again. I do not believe in leaving out the bad stuff, but it can also be hard to share all the good stuff. I was always rubbish at keeping secrets and the adoption journey requires that we may often be in a situation that could lead to our lives changing. The dilemma comes as we have to decide to share if an when we are being considered by a birth mother. I had always thought I would want to keep these situations private so as not to let our hope get away from us. As if, once it was written down as a possibility, it would be too hard to take it back if we didn't get chosen.

In the past few days this has been the opposite of our experience. Our home study is pretty much complete and on Tuesday our caseworker called and asked if we would consider being shown to a birth mother delivering her baby very soon, and in a state far, far, away. There are many details which I cannot share because the cases are confidential but needless to say it felt like a huge decision and suddenly, I didn't want to be making it without the prayers of our community. We shared with our closest friends and made the decision to say we would be considered.

So now I am sharing that same information with you.

We are not putting much stock in being chosen, which is why I am typing this blog and not turning our office into a nursery, but how fun would it be if it did work out?! Fun. Well, crazy maybe. We are low on the list to be shown, and she may chose a family before she even gets to see our information but we agreed to be considered so there is a vague possibility.

Please say a prayer with us; for the birth parents to find peace with their decision and to feel certain when they find the profile of the 'right' adoptive parents for their baby. Please also pray especially for health for the baby. There are some pretty big concerns. Whoever adopts this precious life, I want this child to live a full and healthy life.

I will be sure to let you know if we hear anything more about this baby. I guess this is just the start of dipping our toes in the selection and matching process of adoption. Exciting, hopeful and totally surreal.

In other news, we decorated our Christmas tree today. I love the glistening and sparkling of the lights everywhere. My tree looks great, but the living room has a layer of tissue paper all over from unwrapping ornaments. I am avoiding clearing it up by blogging, making tea, and anything else I can think of. I guess I can't ignore it forever!

Thanks for reading, and for your prayers.

Post Thanksgiving Thanks

2011-11-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I had nothing on that tryptophan! It knocked me out. Twice. Once on the floor next to the fireplace, and once as soon as my head even saw the pillow of the bed!

What a lovely day. Walked around the lake with friends. A tradition I have come to just love. The rain even held off until we were almost done which made the ho chocolate reward at the end even more delightful. Then home to put finishing touches on some dishes we were bringing to Jeremy's parents house for our Thanksgiving dinner.

Joined by family and friends, and a 25lb turkey, we feasted and were thankful.

Even though our life this past year has not looked the way we would have planned it, we are still so blessed. We have strong community in our family and friends who bring joy to our lives more than we can ever express.

Our story is still being written, and we are thankful that we can trust God to bring all the loose ends together as we entrust our future family into his hands.

Hoping you had a happy thanksgiving too. Must go, we are off to cut down the Christmas tree!!

Happy ICLW

2011-11-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

Hello if you are joining today from ICLW, so glad you are here, welcome. Make yourself at home. I look forward to getting to know you are join you on your journey to and through parenthood. It's a crazy ride. Well, the getting there bit is proving to be a crazy ride for my hubby and I.

We hope to be officially "paper pregnant" but the beginning of December with our home study approved and our profile books ready for viewing by prospective birth mothers. I think we are both still a little in awe that this could really be happening so soon. Although it has actually taken a long time to get here, and we know it is only just the start of our next step, it is still exciting, thrilling and completely never wracking to think about!

This week I hope to leave some of the baby thinking and planning behind and get more fully into the holiday and Thanksgiving spirit. I have a lovely list of deliciousness to create in my kitchen and I am almost giddy to get on with it! I just have to suck it up and get on with some revision for my big important French test on Wednesday. Oh well! It will all be worth it in the end.

I would love to know who is stopping by so please leave a comment so I can connect with your blog too.

Blah and choices

2011-11-20T16:02:00.000-08:00

My body is feeling blah today. I carry my emotional processing in my physical body, and even though the lessons God teaches can bring me peace my body still has some catching up to get there. I guess this is the burden of an anxiety sufferer. It could be worse, but today I am feeling pretty yucky, maybe not yucky, just heavy-hearted and well, blah.

I thought I would try and shake of the blah by running some errands. They included shopping for 'the perfect' paper and envelopes to stick into our profile books and print out our letters to the birth parents and our profile information sheet. They had to be just right. Not that I am obsessive or anything! So this fun sounding little jaunt ended up being much more stressful than I anticipated - self inflicted, of course.

It is silly, but I went back and forth, "what if the birth mother likes purple and we use a purple envelope and that is what draws her to our book? What is she thinks our colours are too boring and doesn't choose us because of that? On and on...our trip to Paper Source was longer than expected. We left with some fairly neutral colours, but I think they will look nice with the colours in the book and they are light enough that when we print the letters, they will be legible.

According to the UPS tracker our photo books will be here sometime this week or early next week, So we have until then to complete and tweak our letters. And then, that's it. Done. Waiting.

I feel as though our advent devotionals this year will have even more meaning than usual as we anticipate the arrival of our own child and remember the anticipation of Mary, and the longing world we waiting for baby Jesus all those years ago.

The fear and the unknown, the hope the joy and the peace. These feeling will resonate with us more deeply than ever this year.

We also shopped for our Thanksgiving feast, I am making cranberry cherry sauce, roasted sweet potatoes and Apples with bourbon glaze, mashed yams with goat cheese, and a fruit salad with pomegranate and mango it looks amazing! I love doing a pot luck type thing because we all get to create in the kitchen but no one gets stressed out because we are doing too much to enjoy the day. Hoping the busy few days at school, which include a french test (eeek!) will shake off the blah so I can embrace all the delights of thankfulness that are to come at the end of the week as we gather with family and friends.

What did you get up to this weekend?

Undeserving?

2011-11-19T14:23:00.000-08:00

In many ways I have been able to find peace with the possibility that I may not carry a baby to term in my body, but it is still hard to wrap my head around how my faith in a God of love, hope and miracles would chose this to be the road I walk.

A friend, pregnant with her second child made the comment the other day, "I don't know why I deserve to have two healthy children when some people can't have kids." It struck me because I often have that some thought when I hear about a women who in my eyes is undeserving of a healthy pregnancy, for whatever reason I am judging her - some more valid determiners that others, but nevertheless not my responsibility to decide their deservability! Why do they deserve this gift? And why don't I deserve it?

The truth, is that my friend did nothing to deserve her two healthy babies, and in fact she does not deserve them. That sounds harsh even as I write it, but it help me find the truth. She doesn't deserve to be a mother, she doesn't deserve healthy babies but she was blessed with the gift of children. It was not through her own works. And in the same way, I do not deserve to have a baby of my own. I have done nothing to deserve it anymore than I have done something to un-deserve it, and I can do nothing to persuade God to give me another chance at motherhood viability.

Children are only ever a gift from God.

I was thinking over this in the shower, and God brought the passage to mind of the workers it the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). I think it's funny because this passage has always bothered me. I know the message that is being taught is true but the I struggle because I identify so much with the workers that complain they are being treated unfairly. I suppose this is way God brought it up today!

Jesus says, "But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius?" (A denarius is the daily wage for a laborer) I am saved by faith, and will live with Jesus eternally in heaven. God will be with me through trials, he will be my strength when I am weak, and he will protect me from the enemy. These are his promises to me. I have done nothing to deserve them, but they are gifts freely given. I worry that God likes me less because I can't have a baby, I worry that people imagine some hidden sin that is preventing us from being in God's will, but I have to stand on the truth that is simply, God's ways are not my ways. He is a just God. My only job is to trust him, and to be obedient to the calling he has put on my life.

I do not get what I deserve. Thank goodness because I would be in big trouble. I am saved by his grace. Undeserved, but received with thankfulness.

Lord, please help my jealous heart to be transformed. Please instill in me that your love cannot be seen only in the fruit of a pregnancy. Open my eyes more and more to your gifts given so freely that we may have an abundant life. My heart is yours.

Water and Rest, Lessons in Trust

2011-11-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

Getting closer, we finished our profile book! It is not perfect ans as soon as I hit 'order' I thought of something I wanted to change. Then the first thought in my head when I woke up the next morning was something else I had forgotten to change. Oh well. Too late now. Good thing there is grace to cover even those mistakes! I know the Lord will not let that be the defining factor in us becomming parents.

As we edge closer and closer to being approved I feel my anxiety rising. We have wanted this for so long. Too long. This has been the longest 'conception' ever. Yet no as the reality is about to hit I am afraid. All the boxes we checked about the health risks we would be willing to consider seem overwhelming and I want to shout that I have changed my mind. I want only a perfect baby. I want to be in control of our family's future. I have a picture in my mind that I do not want to surrender.

When we are officially paper pregnant, probably in a couple of weeks, we will begin to hear about birth mothers and have to start making decision about whether we want them to be shown our profile. I am praying for a perfect situation. A women who has taken care of her body, eaten well, gone to her doctors appointments and abstained from drugs and alcohol, with a support system to care for her after the adoption. Perhaps I am crazy to think this is possible, or just extremely naive. And when I am praying, I feel a sense of selfishness. Why should we be blessed with a healthy child when there are so many children born addicted, or with diseases or struggles that will shape their lives? I know I am not owed anything but my heart still wrestles with wanting so badly to know what my life will look like, and wanting it to match my expectations.

My faith has certainly been taking a beating over the past couple of years. I see God drawing my heart to his and teaching me to trust. This whole adoption thing is saturated in exercise of trust, including but not limited to the health of our child and the relationship we will have with their birth parent(s).

Ultimately, if we do not believe I can trust God in this then I don't want to do it. I have seen God's faithfulness in many ways, but as I read over my journal entries from our miscarriages my trust is tested. My prayers for protection over our baby went unanswered, or at least unanswered in the way my heart so desperately wanted. Can I trust God to protect a child that is growing in another woman's body, when I feel as though I have lost trust that he can protect one in my own?

I guess that is a question I will have to face in time.

Reading in Exodus 15, I can see how the Israelites had to face the issue of trusting God. He had led them out into the desert and they ran out of water. They had no way of getting it on their own. They had to trust in God's provision. And he did provide. He already had a plan for them. They found water in Marah but it was undrinkable until God told Moses to throw the stick in. God wanted them to learn that his provision was already in place for them, they just had to trust him and He would provide. Not only that, but after they they drank God led them to a place of rest. After a time of trial God provides rest, and time for us to reflect on all He has done. Boy, I cannot wait for that time!

Until then I am choosing to trust that His ways are good and true. And that the plans he has for us will being us a future and a hope - and our baby...

"Who is like you among the gods, O LORD--glorious in holiness, awesome in splendor, performing great wonders?" Ex 15:11

It's a (almost) Thanksgiving Miracle

2011-11-15T08:12:00.000-08:00

I just got word from our case worker that my, "these shriveled prints will certainly be rejected" prints and Jeremy's "we have no record of these, call back next week" prints have both been returned to our agency ACCEPTED!!!!

Yes, you read that right. God is good. I shed a tear when I heard the news. I am overwhelmed by His provision in this situation and His response to our prayers, and the prayers of others.

Our caseworker told us the office is going through an audit and so our Home Study will probably not be completed and approved for a few weeks, but we can (almost) just relax and enjoy the holidays.

I have to sing J's praise a little bit here. And maybe swoon, just a little. Included in our profile book are letters written by Jeremy and I, to the prospective birth parents. It has to explain a bit about our family, our home, values, and of course information about who we are. I had been asking - read nagging - Jeremy to start his letters for a couple of weeks now. I know this kind of 'getting your feelings onto paper' project is not something he finds easy and I felt like he had been dragging his feet. So this weekend, after a conversation that included,

Me - Did you write your letter yet? (knowing he hadn't!)

J - Not yet

Me - Can you please just write it, we are almost done. This is the last part.

J - I know you have told me. I told you I would do it. Please drop it.

Me - But please can you just start writing it, you don't have to finish but at least start it.

J - You know, you are not exactly inspiring me to write nice things about you right now.

Ha ha.

I dropped it! Realising that I was getting no where fast, and that I was being really annoying!

Later that night he wrote the first letter and when I read it I almost cried, it was so beautiful. I have a hard time getting my head around the fact that he wrote it. I mean, I would want this an to be the father of my child. Wait...! I am so proud that this guy is my husband and that I get to share life with him.

Looks like the beginning of December will be the start of our paper pregnancy. We are over the moon!!

Fingerprints and Christmas shopping!

2011-11-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

A week after my first call, I thought I would call the fingerprint peeps over on the east coast and see if they had anymore info on J's prints. They told me last week that should have an update within the week and be able to tell when his prints would be sent out. (My prints are apparently still on track to be mailed tomorrow...or Monday - I'm not holding my breath but at least that's the same story/time line they talked about last week)

Today they told me J' prints however have gone A.W.O.L.

Perhaps I was a little too confident in his prints coming through without a problem. I know my 'potential problem prints' were bathed in prayer but this reminds me that it is in the places we least expect trouble that the enemy can sneak in.

The man I spoke with referred the case to a supervisor and told me to call back next Wednesday when they "might" have information for me. So I turn back to you, my faithful friends and ask that you take a moment to send up a prayer for Jeremy's prints to be found quickly and without a problem.

Ugh! I am SO tired of things being difficult. We are so close, I just wish we could catch a break! Ok. Pity party over - it was short lived.
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I trust God's plan for our family, and I truly believe that fingerprints will not be the thing that stops his planning coming to pass!

So this Christmas I will not be shopping for my own baby, but who doesn't love shopping for little ones? Imagining their faces lighting up because your gifts made them feel so special and loved is part of the magic of the season. So this year, I saw an opportunity to still get my cute shopping fix and to make Christmas a little brighter for some little ones who need it.

Remember the fundraiser I promoted a while ago for New Day Foster Home in China? Well, they just put out the Christmas lists for all the kids. If you want to make Christmas a little brighter for a child in need check out this list, find a smile that you just can't resist and get shopping! Just email the address at the top of the blog to let her know who you want to buy for so they know which kids are covered.

I am off to the shops right now. I want to make sure I have things wrapped and sent off to arrive in time! I hope you will consider if this is something you could do too this Christmas season

Plodding along

2011-11-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

No news is good news. Or in our case, no news is because everything is just chugging along and we have both been sick with colds so there has been nothing very exciting happening around here.

We have been sharing a nasty cough/cold for about three weeks, and it has ebbed and flowed between us, one day I feel awful and the next it's Jeremy's turn again.

I have got back on track with 'myfitnesspal' and am feeling more in control of eating well again. If I keep the pace up throughout the holidays (which may be a challenge!) I may well hit my target before the end of the year after all. Or at least close into 2012. [Looking forward to that target weight shopping spree so much!]

As far as adoption stuff goes, our profile book is so very close to being done I can almost taste it.

I called the background check folks over at the FBI and they told me my prints would be mailed by November 11th but Jeremy's were still in process so she could give me little information other than they expected that they would be completed within a week. However, considering mine were finished with and had to wait almost two weeks for them to be mailed, I am not sure how long it will take for us to see his. If we do need to re-do my prints we can pay for them to be returned within two weeks but I am still praying for a miracle that we will not have to re-do them at all.

The next, and almost final step in the adoption process for us is writing letter to the prospective birth parents which will go in our profile book. Our case worker says that even if they don't want to look through all the pictures in our book, they will read the letters we write. It is a tough job to write to people who we don't know, who are in a difficult and heartbreaking position. I want to be compassionate, and yet I ultimately want to make a good impression - one that says, 'we would be great parents to your child.'

I might need a cupcake to get me through that! ha ha

Home Visit. Check.

2011-11-03T16:26:00.000-07:00

The home visit went well. She didn't even bring her white gloves to wipe along my base boards to make sure they were dust-free!

She asked us questions about our marriage and parenting plans as well as taking a tour of the house. It was simple. Easy. And then it was over.

We finish our profile book and our video for our online profile and after we figure out the stupid fingerprint situation we will be officially paper pregnant.

Then we wait. And we pray. We will hear about situations and have to decide if we want our book to be shown. Pray some more. And then wait to hear if we are chosen. EEkk! Is this really about to happen?!

I am in a little bit of shock that we are here already, and eager to get the last few things finished.

Our caseworker told us that some couples find it hard right after the paperwork is done because they suddenly find themselves with nothing to do. I am not sure this will be a hard thing for us. At least in the beginning. I am excited to feel as though I can be fully head-in-the-game with school work and focusing on having some fun with my hubby!

Thank you all for your encouragement over the past few months, we truly feel as though we have not walked this road alone.

Final home visit tomorrow!!

2011-11-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Phew! I just sat down after a long and busy day. Our re-scheduled home visit is tomorrow afternoon and the house is finally where I want it, all I have left to do is change the sheets in our bedroom and put out clean towels. i just want everything to be fresh and clean, to look lived in but not necessarily smell lived in! ha ha

I don't want to to look like I am trying hard, and she is just going to have to trust that I am a woman who is genuinely excited about the fall color m'n'm's in her candy bowl - because I am, and have been refilling the autumn gorgeousness for the past two weeks. They are not just for her sake.

I cannot believe we are here already. Here being the final home visit. Last night we went to our Babysafe CPR and first aid class which was great. Even J was raving about it. He has been really sick the past few days so I wondered if being alert for three hours in the evening would have been a struggle for him but he really seemed engaged in what was happening. That was the final thing to check off our 'to do' list and now we just have to get our book finished and as soon as our case worker writes her report from our visit tomorrow - usually about two weeks- we can be in the pool. I guess in adoption circles you call it being 'paper pregnant', meaning we are just waiting to be chosen by a birth mother.

Wow!

I am in love with my life right now. This Thanksgiving we will have something beautiful to celebrate. Our journey has not been easy but we are so grateful to have journeyed it with such amazing people. Our families have been wonderful and our friends have really gone above and beyond to love us well. We are truly blessed.

See you on the flip side!

p.s. no, we have not heard any news on our fingerprints but we just heard of a way to get our next sets returned within a couple of weeks so if that's all that is left we'll pay the extra to get them back that way. I am no longer obsessing but still sending up prayers for a miracle they come back accepted and soon!

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T21:53:00.000-07:00

So glad we had some trick-or-treat ers tonight. Not enough to eat all the candy we bought, and sadly I forgot the golden Halloween candy rule of getting candy that you don't like so if it is left over you are not tempted by it...opps. Might have to get J to make it disappear for the sake of my waistline.
Kids in costumes are one of my favourite things, it just makes me smile. And we had the politest children come to our door for candy, so many please and thank yous and no one was greedy. I love that.

It reminded me how much I enjoy where we live. This is a sweet community and on holidays like this it has a really friendly atmosphere.

J is sick, the cold which has been doing the rounds has finally got him and he is in 'man cold' mode. I am really glad that our home visit got moved to Thursday because he would have been out of it and our house would have smelled like sick person. Or at least would have smelled like we hadn't let fresh air in or bad hour out for about 24 hours - Another good thing about the trick or treat ers, forcing us to open the door!!

I am so excited about the interview. I thought I would be nervous, but we love our caseworker and I know she is excited for us, so I know it will go fine.

Hope you are all enjoying the cute costumes and the left over candy - Happy Halloween!

Little blue thoughts

2011-10-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about babies the past few days. I suppose I have been wondering more than thinking; what will our child look like? Will we be able to comfort him when he cries? What will be be for his first Halloween? Will he like to snuggle? Will he think we're funny?!

These thoughts have been a balm to my spirit. My face is smiling. I can't help it. I am already in love. How is that possible? I don't know, but I know that I am. I am not sure if I would feel this attached if we had not gone through miscarriages and faced the reality of very much having this child with me, but whatever the case, I am completely attached, and in love with our baby. The one that we are yet to hold, but that is very much growing in my heart even if he's not growing in my belly.

"He"

It is not an accident that all of my wonderings have a powder blue cloud behind them. I am in love with a baby boy. I believe with my whole heart that the first baby I carried and lost was a boy. I feel as though there is a boy shaped hole in our family, and in my heart.

While we have no guarantees about the gender of the baby we will adopt, I confess it will take some adjustment if we discover we will be having a girl. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have a girl, I cannot wait to read about 'Fancy Nancy' play with crafts and let's be honest, who wouldn't be excited to dress a teeny baby girl?! I can get so excited about all things girly. And I believe one day I will have a daughter, but whenever I start to consider our adoption I always see us bringing home a baby boy. That somehow adoption will complete this circle between us and our son.

Of course our God is a God of mystery and His perfect plan may have us bring home a daughter first, and we would be overwhelmed with gratitude and joy if that were the case, but I just wonder of the little blue thoughts I have been having are not just missing something from the past but also a glimpse of our future? I guess only time will tell.

Honestly, on this grey and gloomy day we have accomplished little. Jeremy is sick and has been on the couch all day poor thing. So I have been catching up on homework and playing nurse maid! I was working on our profile book and we started reminiscing and then talking about the future. Sharing hopes and anticipation about what the year ahead may hold. We both got a little giddy as we imagined our little family growing :)

Lord, I know that you know how this story ends. Please give us endurance as we complete this adoption process and begin our official wait. I feel like we have been waiting forever already. Please help me to be patient and find beauty and joy in the waiting. Prepare our hearts to parent the child you will bring to us, and please be with that child and their birth parents as they journey this hard and courageous road.

Feeling fit

2011-10-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't discussed weight or fitness on this blog in a while but it has been something I have been being very intentional about in the last couple of months. I had tried over and over to start a work out plan but ultimately after a week or two (if that) I would get discouraged. I wanted to see results but if I am honest, I didn't want to work for it.

So I stopped posting about new regiments I had started and was loving because I felt as though writing it was the beginning of the end of my motivation and I would have to write a follow up post every time I stopped.

That said, as my birthday approached this past September my weight had seemed to take on a life of its own and suddenly 160lbs was not that many pounds away, and there was no way I was going to be within 10lbs of my husband - who is seriously the same weight he was when he graduated high school (jerk) Plus, with a birthday approaching there is always a nagging voice asking if I am aging well! I am sure it's a voice heard by most women especially on a birthday - and I like to stare it in the face and say "yes" but this year I wasn't so sure.

I took a long hard look in the mirror and decided enough was enough. I was taking back control.

I know I feel some motivation to get in shape so that I will feel good about myself when we are potentially meeting with birth parents. I want to feel confident and as I looked in the mirror I could no longer pretend that I was ok with how my body looked. I have good self-esteem usually, and do not spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about the way I look but it had got to the point that my weight was coming to mind more that I was used to and that in itself made me certain that the time to make a change had arrived.

I was talking with a friend who was looking and feeling great having lost over 20lbs (now it's over 30lbs!) She showed me a website (and phone app) called myfitnesspal.com which is a free site where you can track your calorie intake and exercise to keep track of what's coming in and what's going out and keeping to your daily limit. I set myself the goal of 1lb loss a week.

It took some getting used to. Some days have been more successful that others but overall it has changed my consumption because I am so aware of what I am eating and I no longer just snack because it comes out of my daily calories.

I am taking a yoga class at school three times a week and while it is not a class that makes you really sweat it is stretching me and getting me up and at school for the 8am start which I think is helpful to get my system up and going in the morning! Plus the brisk walk to and from school is a great and needed addition to my routine.

I have used the gym at school some too - and after I am fully recovered from this loss, probably in a week or less I will be back to that. The exciting thing is that I already see my body changing shape. Not just because of the weight coming off, but because I am increasing my fitness level. Feels so great.

In six weeks I have lost 7lbs. And it really hasn't been that hard at all. I can still have treats but I have to balance that with the other things I eat and do during the day. I have lost between 1 and 1.5lbs each week, right on target.

I have about seven or so pounds to get where I want to be, but if I continue on this track I will get there before the end of the year. Me thinks a fun shopping spree will be on the cards in the new year! It will also be lovely to have a wider selection of trousers to wear day to day. I have a drawer full but currently I am rocking the only two pairs of jeans that fit!

If you are looking for a tool to help you try and remove those extra lbs, you should try that site out. It may not be the thing for everyone, but it has been great for me. I look forward to celebrating the finished weight drop when I get there!! If you do sign up and want a buddy, send me a message and I will email you my user name so we can be fitness buddies (it only shares when you lose lbs, and never tells your weight just FYI!)

And while I would trade my weight-loss for a healthy pregnancy in a heart beat, I am not sad that physically I beginning to feel like myself again. Now if I can only survive the holiday season!!

God's secrets

2011-10-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your kind words. Today has been fairly normal so far. I did let Jeremy convince me not to go to my early yoga class this morning but I got up and out to attend my pre-test study session and then was able to take my french test. I feel thankful that most of the intense physical stuff took place last night so I have not been that uncomfortable today. While it certainly took effort to focus on conjugating french verbs, it was also a welcome distraction!

I think that being obedient in what God was asking of me in this season has been fruitful in easing us through this; taking classes on campus, moving forward with adoption, making marriage a priority to name a few.

I can see that our previous losses happened when my life was pretty empty. I wasn't feeling like I had much purpose or structure to my days. So getting pregnant, being pregnant and ultimately losing pregnancies became a focus. Everything got a little distorted. I am not saying that I wouldn't have walked through grief if I had been busier but I think it may not have consumed me in the way it did.

I don't want to just forget, or just move on, but I do want to continue to find life in my days. This afternoon I spent time with the family I lived with before I got married and found such comfort from being in the house I called home with the people who were my family. The kids showed me halloween costumes and told stories of their days and I was able to be genuinely thankful and happy to be with them.

We went to the harvest party at church which was insane but so fun, and saw so many friends from many different areas of life plus their kids dressed up in the cutest outfits. And yes, the thought crossed my mind, "what would I dress my son/daughter up as?" but it was answered - no, I am not telling you, wait until the first Halloween we are parents and you'll see for yourself - but then I moved on and caught up with friends, made crafts, watched the kids on the inflatable slides and smelled the glorious fresh kettle corn popping away. Man, kids are so lucky!!

So that was my day, which will end with having dinner with Jeremy's cousin. Fun!

Yes, this pregnancy is over, but our life and our dreams of family are not gone. They are ever more vibrant in fact. We trust that this is truly God's preparation for us and we are right in the center of his will. My devotional this morning included this verse, "The secret things belong to the Lord our God". Deuteronomy 29:29 Beautiful.

An inconvenient truth

2011-10-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

Every experience God give us, every person He puts into our lives, is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see - Corrie ten Boom

I have been thinking hard about that quote today, in light of the reality that our fifth pregnancy is ending in miscarriage as I write.

I stopped charting months ago, and Jeremy was away on business a lot this month so I have no idea how it even happened, but happen it did. I had been feeling a little strange, but written it of as stress or the start of getting a bug or something. But then I felt a twinge and realised it had been a while since my period has shown its face so I took a test. Honestly I took it to get the possibility out of my head, but low and behold two lines appeared. Pregnant.

Now, that wasn't in the plan.

Jeremy and I both took the news like we had found 25 cents in the cushion cover. It's a pleasant surprise but it's not like it's going to change your life or anything. We got on with life, without expectations that this would end differently than any of our other experiences. We would have been thrilled if it had turned out to be different but we were not ready to grab hold of that possibility so soon.

When the waves of cramping and the spotting started I not only wasn't surprised, I felt some sort of comfort from the predictability. I felt inconvenienced because of a french test tomorrow, and other plans which may now have to be postponed while the physical consequences come to pass. I shed a few tears, but they only appeared when I told Jeremy what was going on and I know that they were more about the pain and discomfort coming my way, they were not attached to a life that for a few weeks may have been growing inside me. They were tears for me, so I feel a little fraudulent even posting about this because while in the past this was devastating news to share, this time feels really different. It is a part of our journey, so it's worth mentioning but I doubt I will be logging this date in any journal to remember in the years to come.
inconvenient
I had forgotten what some of this felt like. I had moved away from the world of peeing on sticks and counting cycle days, and on into the world of writing profiles and waiting to be matched. I am so confused.

In the midst of all this we have had our individual interviews for our adoption, and our home study will be happening on Monday. I can't seem to get my mind to be in both places at once. I can be happy for the adoption and be fully in this process, heart and soul and yet, I can't seem to find the grief that I know should come with this loss. Perhaps it won't come. Perhaps this is just our kiddo stopping by to say hi because he missed us. I missed him too, and I suppose that this loss feels more like an "I'll see you later, mum."

We just got back from south Seattle where I had to go for my biometrics for my green card. More fingerprints - just more high tech ones. Now I am home, and my thoughts turn to revising and preparing for the french test mentioned earlier and then to making the house pretty for Monday's visit by our caseworker, and then way down the list, and quite possibly only making the top 5 because of the physical reminder is this miscarriage.

Strange but true.

While I do not for one minute believe that this loss is a part of God's plan for my life, I can trust that because he allowed it to happen it is preparing us for the story he is writing in our future. What a joy to have trust in a heavenly father who loves us, and wants good things for his children.

It is well with my soul.

Open Adoption Round Table - Being Scared

2011-10-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

Open Adoption Roundtable # 31

Please go to this link to read more responses to this prompt.

“Write about Open Adoption and Being Scared”

My heart sank a little but when I read this prompt. I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that "it's all going to be ok" By that I mean that every part of this adoption process scares me.

I am scared that we won't get chosen by a birth mother, and that the waiting will be too much for my marriage. Our desire to have a baby cuts deep.

I am scared that we will get chosen and then the birth mother will change her mind, and I am scared that that will break my heart beyond repair.

I am scared I won't want to hold or bond with our baby for the first few days of its life until he or she is legally ours and that this will affect our attachment forever. I am scared that I will carry regret about that time.

I am scared our child will reject us as a teenager for not being his "real parents".

I am scared that our decision to be open to many different situations will mean that our child will have struggles, and that life won't look the way I dreamed it would and I am scared that I will feel bitter towards my child because of that.

I am scared about each step of this process but I am reminded in the midst of it that my life is not my own and that I am not in this alone. Here on earth I am partnered with J, my soul mate, my love and my best friend. But we are not in this alone either, we are in God's hands. He is the one building our family. He is the one who is holding us up, giving us His strength to do what we cold never do on our own. Our fears can be stilled in the truth that all we are being asked to do is be obedient to His call on our lives.

Some of these fears may be realised in the future, and many of them will not. And while they are good to consider and while it is a good idea to educate ourselves in some areas which may make parenting an adoptive children a little less of a mystery but ultimately we will be entrusted with a little one that God loves more than we ever could, just as loves us. He wants good things for His children and in that my heart can feel some peace from all the fears that can sometimes be screaming loudly.

Wishing us all peace on the journey to our children.

Over scheduled

2011-10-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I have not been writing much of any substance on here recently. I am honestly wondering when I had time to fully process any of this stuff and come out the other end with something coherent to share.

I just walked through the door from a CPR class for school and am falling asleep with a heavy heart, knowing tomorrow I am booked up from am to pm. I feel blessed that in the pm I have scheduled in some girl time with one of my besties, but until that it will be go, go, go as it has been.

And it will continue. I cannot remember what I did before we started this adoption process, Seriously. I am going to have been at the doctors 5 times in two weeks by the time next Tuesday arrives. Different medical requirements, x-rays and blood work to ensure I am healthy. Which I am, thank the Lord, except for a nasty cold reared its head and which I do not have time for!

We also have those interviews, one of which is at our home so it is not going to fly to just run the vacuum around. I actually need to open and empty the dishwasher which is sort of clean, and has been that way for about 2 weeks. J made a final attempt to fix it and ran it, but it didn't really fix it and so the semi clean dishes are in their waiting for someone to rescue them. I am ignoring their cries. actually I am not ignoring them, but the whirring sound I make as I go room to room crossing things off my list drowns them out! ha ha

I guess it is just a season of putting my head down and getting things done. I cannot keep this pace. I have to keep my planner with me at all times because I have so much on the calendar that I cannot forget. Special mention here goes to my appointment to go and get biometrics for my Green card. Yes, more fingerprints, but these are on a machine and they seem to be acceptable. Still no word on the other fingerprints. Prays still appreciated for a miracle in that area. Especially because I have 0 time to get downtown to get another set for about 3 months. Ok, I could squeeze it in the next week or two probably, but I really do not want to have to.

Wow, woe is me huh? Seriously, snap out of it Mrs B. Friends please forgive me for my absence in your life. It is not personal and I look forward to resuming a sense of normality soon. And then I am looking forward to sharing life with you once we get our baby and life gets crazier than we could ever imagine!

It's all worth it. It's all worth it. It's all worth it. Repeat. Eat a cookie and then repeat.

Shoot, just remembered something I did not write down...need to go and write an email before I fall asleep. Wonderful sleep. Goodnight all.

Another step closer

2011-10-17T16:41:00.001-07:00

Today I had my physical for our adoption, I have to go back after fasting to get a couple of blood tests but otherwise I guess I am in tiptop shape. Good enough condition to adopt a baby anyhow!

So now it's just a question of waiting for our interviews next week, and the week after to be so close to being done I can almost taste it!

Of course the few bits and pieces we have left are the really important ones. Read, intimidating! We both have to write letters to the prospective birth parents which I know will take some serious thought and prayer. As well as finishing off our profile book which will be a fabulous weight off our shoulders. It was originally a fun sounding project but the realisation hit that this book will be the only opportunity we get to introduce ourselves and are lives to the birth parents, the task became a bit more daunting.

We have also enlisted J's sisters help to make our video to go on our online profile. That should be fun to figure out! I don't even like to hear my voice on a voice-mail, I can imagine it will be a little tortuous to have to sign off on a video which will be posted out on the world wide web - especially one that is supposed to make a birth parent chose us as they make the adoption plan for their child.

Ho hum, the things we do - but it in not in vain. It is a part of our journey. And we are trying to continue to embrace the small victories the lists completed and enjoy the time we have together to learn how to be better spouses, and even to read a book (or seven) about parenting.

We took care of our favourite 13 month old for the afternoon yesterday. He was feeling a little under the weather and extra snuggly but we had some sweet moments with him. We sat on our bed as J was packing for a work trip and Tommy was happily chirping away. J and I shared a look. A look that said, 'It will all be worth it in the end, when these moments get to be a part of our lives day to day'.

I know it will not always be sweet moments, but we can;t wait for the whole package. Each thing crossed off the list is another step closer to our family growing. And that is worth celebrating!

Thankful for marriage

2011-10-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

Finally dug my boots out for the season and my feet are cozy. Tonight I wrapped up warm, pulled on my boots
It has not been an easy week in our house. We have let the stress get to us. We have not been the best versions of ourselves. but tonight we shook of the days gone by, dressed up real purty, or at least I did and we went on a date. Out to dinner and then to watch a friend play music in Kirkland.
As we are saving for our adoption, we have cut back on all non-essentials. For me that means no lattes on my walk home from school and being a more conscious grocery shopper and for us it means eating out has become a rarity. Not that we ever ate out often, but if we were out running errands and it was lunchtime or dinner time we didn't think twice about grabbing something to eat. Now we make the choice to come home and use the food we have already bought. All that so say, it has made going out to eat a real treat. Something worthy of fixing my hair and putting on a cute outfit.

We didn't go anywhere fancy, no use scrimping to blow it at the herb garden, but we went to a fun pub with a great atmosphere, a gorgeous view of the water and great food. It felt good to stop.

Be together; talking, laughing, dreaming. Remembering all the things in our lives we have to be thankful for, especially one another!

Fireplaces on...

2011-10-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year. We put it off until we could no longer stand it but tonight we caved and turned on the pilot lights in our fireplaces so we could fire them up. Oh how I have missed them.

It makes the book reports I have to write for the adoption much more enjoyable! Now I am snuggled and warm my fingers are no longer freezing off as I type!

Hot soup and crusty bread filling my belly - soon to be joined by hot apple cider. Head full of dreams about our baby and a smile on my face I can't seem to shake.

Ok, nuff distraction, back to the reports...we're coming baby, we're coming!

FOUND!!

2011-10-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

If you read my post from Tuesday you might have seen a melt down coming. I guess as I re-read my words, I can hear the anxiety and pressure mounting in my own voice. About 20 minutes after I posted it the dam broke and I collapsed into a heap of tears.
The tipping point came when I mentioned our missing paperwork for the tenth time in two minutes and my lovely hubby told me, in a very calm way, "We'll have to just wait and see if it turns up there is nothing we can do about it."

I mean, how dare he try and comfort me. How dare he try and share this burden, what a jerk! He even made dinner for us, seriously what did I do to deserve someone like this?

Ok, kidding over, what did I do to deserve someone like this? He is my true partner in life. I know I am blessed, even when my tired puffy eyes are swollen shut and can't see it.

My new school schedule and especially the added class load were weighing me down. I have to, once again, realise that my school commitments mean I cannot do everything I used to. And admitting I need some help around the house to keep up with laundry and dishes (oh, yes our dishwasher also just died, following behind our fridge - trust me, I KNOW!)

Somewhere in me I feel that because we are not building our family in the conventional way, and have no 'easy' options to have a child we should be cut some slack as we try and make this happen. I know that is not the truth of the Christian life. And I am trying to stay faithful in my thoughts surrounding our adoption and not let fear or sorrow overwhelm me.

It was our monthly foster/adoption meeting at our church last night a (we headed out after my meltdown)The topic we learned about and discussed was the grief and loss surrounding adoption. It couldn't have been timed better as I recognised my melt down was another piece of my own grief. "It shouldn't be like this, we shouldn't have all this stress and paperwork and forms and medicals just to be parents." And that is something I am still grieving.

But this process, including the paperwork is where we are at. This is our story. Some days it is easier to embrace.

I know that my fear over all the "if's" of adoption had been building. In recent months, I know we have felt the Lord guiding our hearts towards adoption but I feel as though my prayers asking for things have lessened. After our losses, I stopped asking for the deepest things of my heart. My prayers had not been answered in the way I wanted, and God's willingness to give us the desires of our heart felt far away.

And then our papers went missing. I was angry, and felt alone. I wanted to ask God to find them, but for days I just worried about them, fingers crossed they'd show up.

Then I caught myself. Why haven't I asked? And suddenly and overwhelming sense of peace came. I just knew the papers would turn up. So I prayed and I asked others to pray and this morning I received an email from our case worker that she had them and everything could go ahead as planned with our interviews. I am so thankful. This answer to prayer was exactly what I needed. We are not alone in this process. We are not alone in our grief, and God is a God of miracles.

If I can see his hand in finding missing a missing envelope, I know we can trust him in our bigger requests; in the situations surrounding and affecting our child.

Thank you for praying with us.

What's for Dinner Wednesday - Hearty Vegetable-Smoked Sausage Soup

2011-10-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

Another Cooking Light triumph. Love this.
Continuing to embrace the fall weather and the glory of the crock pot! This soup lives up to its name, it's hearty and full of veggies. So good. It is a day long affair to cook it but coming home to this delicious soup ready to eat makes even the chilliest winds and wettest rains fade into a distant memory.

Ingredients
1 (14-ounce) package low-fat smoked sausage cut into 1/4-inch-think slices
2 3/4C cubed peeled baking potato
1/2 (10 ounce)package angel hair slaw (about 4 Cups)
2 cups chopped onion
1 Cup sliced carrot
1 1/3 cups diced celery
1 C frozen cut green beans
1 (16-ounce) can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
4 (14-ounce) cans less-sodium beef broth
1/4 Cup chopped fresh parsley
1/2 teaspoon dried Thyme
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 bay leaf
1 (14.5-ounce) can diced tomatoes with basil, garlic, and oregano, undrained

Directions
1. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium high heat. Add sausage, saute 8 minutes or until lightly browned.
2. Layer potato and next 6 ingredients in the slow cooker. Top vegetable mixture with sausage. Combine beef broth and next 5 ingredients pour over sausage mixture. Cover and cook on LOW for 10 hours or until vegetables are tender. (10 servings of 1 1/2 Cups)

Prayers please, I am going crazy!

2011-10-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

So that 'peace like a river' I keep singing about has been flowing right past me the past few days.
We are having a nightmare trying to return the first couch and ottoman set we bought, the couch that literally snapped when J sat on it. They did come and pick that up the broken couch yesterday afternoon having given me a 6 hour window when they might show up, seriously? But then they wouldn't take the ottomans because they were not defective. Clearly everything was made from cheep materials, and we don't want them - it was bought as a set. So just come and take it back already. I am so fed up, and do not have it in me to nicely explain myself to another customer service rep to get it cleared up. We have been dealing with the company we bought it from, and the vendor who actually made it, and the shipper and that people, is just far too many people to coordinate when everyone is telling you something different!! Aargh. Finally J just said he would deal with it, he can be much more forceful than me, and I pity anyone who tries to get one over on him.

This just adds to the rest of the long list of things to be stressed about.

Most importantly, and you can please pray for us if you think of it, we sent off a lovely envelope of forms and paperwork for the adoption last week. A whole week ago and they have not yet received it. It should have taken a day to get there. I am afraid it got lost, which is bad for two reasons, firstly, it will mean pushing back everything if we have to fill out all that paperwork again, and honestly, I am overwhelmed with my increased school load, and J is out of town a ton in the coming weeks so I have no idea when we would even be able to fill it out again. And secondly, it has a bunch of our personal information on it and I would not want that to be out there for someone to find and use against us, all we need is stolen identities to figure out. Please pray it shows up soon.

And we have interviews scheduled for the adoption scheduled which would be tricky to reschedule with our schedules and we have an appointment soon to go and get biometrics done for my Green card. We have something every day for a few weeks, and the thought is making me crazy.

Please pray that we can find peace in the midst of the crazy, and endurance to get all the necessary t's crossed and i's dotted for this adoption and my immigration, and that we can find some joy in the midst of it - and maybe time to eat and/or sleep too. That would be good. And just in case you forgot please pray for that paperwork to show up.

Promise of New Life

2011-10-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

We have probably all fallen in to the familiarity trap during worship time at church. You know the songs and the message of the words become less powerful with each verse you sing.

I love to sing, I love a time of singing worship to express my heart to the Lord. I am glad that he loves my singing voice, but sadly it is not so appreciated here on earth! I am self conscious of my singing in most other situations but in church when we sing together I can belt it out without any feelings of being watched or judged. Eyes closed, it's just me and Jesus, a daughter singing praise and glory to her heavenly father.

I have written multiple posts about the song 'I surrender' and the place it has in my heart for being used by God to truly allow me to submit to Hid greater plans for my life. Before I was married I could barely choke out the words about giving up my dreams, because I had a fear that God had no plans for me to be married and if I voiced that I had surrendered to Him, I would be accepting my fate as a singleton. If that had been Gods plan for life, I trust he would have changed my heart, or walked very closely with me through life. I believe God used that song to bring to a place of gentle submission. I began to trust his bigger plan, and found peace.

And it was a long few years of continued submission to that grander plan before Jeremy came along. And what a gift. He was totally worth the wait. God's grander plan was best.

In more recent times, I have sung that song pregnant. I have sung that song, surrendering to God's plan, hopeful that that would mean a healthy pregnancy and a baby. I have sung that song during a miscarriage, feeling heave that surrendering to his plans was allowing him the space to bring healing, and overall I felt as though surrendering to His plans was a painful idea of never having a baby.

So as the familiar chords rang out this morning and the words just poured off my tongue I suddenly heard God's voice. "This is my promise to you"

What, Lord?

Then my husband who was leading worship sang out,

"I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life"

New life. Yes we have new life in Him but today those words held a different meaning. We can lay down our plans, surrendering to God because he has promised us a new life, a child.
It gave me chills. I can not do much more that surrender it all as we enter our adoption process. I cannot control if our fingerprints are accepted, I can only go through the process until they accept me. I have no control over when the rest of our home study stuff will get processed, that;s up to our social worker. I http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifhave no control or say over how long before we will be chosen by a birth mother, I have no idea who she will be or what her story is, I just have to trust that God is connecting our lives for a reason. But I can trust Him that this path is preparing us for the gift of parenthood and all the joys and challenges that along with that.

The promise of new life. Suddenly, this is my favourite song. No longer associated with grief and loss and pain, but speaking truth about the hope and joyful anticipation for the child we will one day call our own.

In case you don't know the song, or perhaps if you just need to hear it today here is a link to the song, I surrender by Marc James.

Simple Joys

2011-10-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a great start to the weekend in our house. J had a follow up at the doctors this morning. As part of our adoption home study medical we have to have a TB test, so he had to go ad get the results of his. He's fine of course but now the adoption peeps will know that. Happy to get that crossed off the list.

Then we had to go and pick up our new couch and love seats from the store. This is new couch 2.0 because the first one we bought was really bad quality - about 8 seconds after we had put the last couch together J sat on it and the wooden bottom snapped! It was so funny for about five minutes, and then we realised we would have to return it all and start over again on our couch hunt. Boo. But we ended up with a lovely couch and now it's here we are enjoying having the room put together, and snuggling up on it!

I also got out the fall decorations and the house is slowly becoming a haven for pumpkins everywhere! It was a good day. Nothing particularly grand happened but sometimes a regular day is just what my heart needs. The simple joys of life can sometimes get lost under the busyness, but today they shone brightly through. As I said, it was a good day :)

What's for Dinner Wednesday - African Sweet Potato Stew with Red Beans

2011-10-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

Fall is well and truly with us, and I for one am a huge fan! This was my first stew of the season, and will be something that will certainly be repeated on the cold wet days ahead.
The warm flavours of the potato and the peppers balanced with the tang of the lime juice and the crunch of the peanuts makes this tasty treat a keeper.
The ease of sticking things in the crock pot and letting them do their thing while you get on with your day is always appealing, and this is a simple and delicious dish to add to your crock pot repertoire. Thank you again, Cooking Light!

Ingredients

2 tsp olive oil
1 1/2 C chopped onion (I just used one medium onion)
1 garlic clove, minced
4 C (1/2 inch) cubed peeled sweet potato (about 1.5 lbs)
1 1/2 C cooked small red beans (I just used one 14.5-oune can of red beans, rinsed)
1 1/2 C vegetable broth
1 C chopped red bell pepper (I just used one small pepper)
1/2 C water
1 teaspoon grated peeled fresh ginger
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground cumin
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 (14.5-ounce) can diced tomatoes drained (I just threw the whole can in, juice and all)
1 (4.5-ounce) can chopped green chiles, drained (again I just threw it all in)
3 tablespoons creamy peanut butter
3 tablespoons chopped dry roasted peanuts
6 lime wedges to squeeze on top.

Directions

1. Heat oil in a non stick skillet over medium heat. Add onion and garlic, cover and cook 5 minutes or until tender.

2. Place onion mixture in a crock pot. Add sweet potato and the next 10 ingredients (through chiles). Cover and cook on LOW 8 hours or until vegetables are tender.

3. Spoon 1 Cup of cooking liquid from the crock pot into a small bowl. Add the peanut butter and stir well with a whisk or a fork. Stir peanut butter mixture into stew. Serve stew in bowls, (makes 6 servings of 1 1/3 Cups) add 1 1/2 tsp of chopped peanuts to each bowl and squeeze the lime juice on top.

Eat, and oh my goodness you won't be sorry you did!

Humbled

2011-10-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed. Humbled. So very thankful for the kinds words expressed after yesterdays post. While I truly appreciate your words, please know that they were not solicited. I truly have the most sensitive, sweet pregnant friends an infertile girl could ask for. I was simply sharing my struggle to face some of the ugliness that continues to rise up in me surrounding my own inability to carry a pregnancy.

As autumn comes, and the trees are stripped bare I relate to their nakedness. I feel exposed. I have chosen not to pretend I am all roses and smiley faces. Sometimes its hard, I feel as though God is stripping back my life. Revealing my heart. Exposing those dark places where I refuse to surrender to him, where I hold grudges and where I cannot accept that His plans are better than my own.

In the hard times I remember his grace is sufficient. It covers me. Until I can emerge on the other side, clothes in green leaves of joy and hope and love. I know that time will come. I know that this time of refining is for my own good but it reveals some ugly that's hard to embrace.

This new season also includes Zumba and kickboxing classes. Who knew that was on the cards? New season, new you. Let's hope that's true.

Bear with me

2011-10-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling torn. Torn because life isn't simple. Torn because in the midst of all that is good in my life, there continues to be a hole in my heart carved by our lost babies, and a wound that bleeds with tears about the way life 'should' have been.

Days like yesterday are good. At the core of my being I heard the message about being true and present, convicted about embracing the moment and I took it in. I want to change the way I think about my life, but truthfully living in the now does not eliminate the grief, loss and anger about our infertility.

I have to chose to surrender these feelings to God daily. I know that only He can heal my heart, and I imagine that it will be a healing that takes a long time, perhaps it will never fully go away. I am reminded every day of my shortcomings. My inability to fully reflect the joy of Christ to the world. I trust in His words; that God can heal my heart, and be my comfort, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation” 2 Cor. 1:3-4.

I hope that this healing will begin to transform my heart in the deep places that I try to keep hidden. I am struggling to know how to be good a friend right now, especially struggling to be a good friend to my pregnant friends. At a distance I can send honest congratulations, but hearing about morning sickness and aches and pains of growing bellies hits hard and does not produce the feelings of sympathy and a desire to ease their suffering. I know it 'should' and if I was in a different head or heart space I think it would.

I want to be the friend who genuinely feels compassion for them, but my jealousy, bitterness and deep longing cannot be overthrown that easily. I want to be the friend who offers to take them soup and care for their older children so mama-to-be can get some rest. I want to be that friend, but I am not. Instead of reaching out, I turn inward. I search for those lost feelings of care and love and I pray in earnest for them to come to the surface. I pray that God will transform my heart to look more like his, and for me to have the strength to be the person I was created to be, and love in the way I was created to love.

I do what I can and then I sit and wait. Weak in my own strength, and desperate for the healing touch of the God of all comfort. Searching hard to find the beauty in the confusion. Letting the feeling of being torn make me stronger and not less. Embracing the present, the good, the bad and the ugly. Jumping into the uncomfortable, and hoping I'll find a soft spot to land.

It's a messy life but I trust it will eventually make me a better person, and more importantly a more genuine reflection of Christ. Bear with me friends, there is a lot of work to be done.

One week down

2011-10-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

Phew, week one of school down. Week one of school plus 2lbs. Awesome bonus!

I have started moving more, waking to and from school, it's not even that much but clearly enough to kick start getting rid of these last 10-15lbs that have taken up residence post marriage and cumulatively after the miscarriages.

I am feeling good about the fact that by the end of the year I should be almost there. By the holidays I should at least be feeling more party dress ready, although because of holiday season I will have to be very disciplined o keep that party dress figure!

Fall has arrived in Seattle and the cooler weather and the pumpkins have made me rediscover the joy of being in my kitchen; today my slow cooker is bubbling, cookies are baking, and random other leftovers were converted into something edible and it all happened with a spring in my step. I have been diligently house-wifeing since about noon and am now sitting down feeling very accomplished and eager to reap the benefits of today's hard work in the week ahead.

I am looking forward to Monday. School has continued to be a good balance of stretching and do-able. It is actually quite an adjustment just to have to be somewhere everyday. I know that might sound crazy, but it has literally been years since that has been the case for my schedule. I have kept myself busy in those years and had some consistent commitments but having to be in class every day at a certain time will continue to be an adjustment over the quarter.

The early mornings have also allowed me to keep on track with homework and my online class. But I am realising that I do not have the option to be as social during the day as I have been. I just have to understand that my time is more limited, and that I need to plan less or at least differently if I want to feel as though I am not stretched too thin.

This morning in church our pastor referenced Jim Elliot's quote "wherever you are be all there." This really sums up my mind set right now.

My hearts desire is to be a stay at home mum. I want my day to be full of playdates, and making yummy baby food, and watching our child grow and discover the world. But, and this is a big but I am not there yet. I believe that God will bless our lives with a child and we will get to truly live the dream in that way one day but for now I have an amazing life and I would be missing something wonderful if I day-dreamed it all away. Or if I was looking ahead instead of seeing what was in front of me.

I want to embrace this season, which means less time to see girlfriends during the week while I fully commit to studying and doing my best in school. It means more intentionality and planning to maintain relationships. Perhaps this means more plans in the evening. I like that idea [Sidenote: last night J and I went to friends for dinner and I loved having a reason to change out of sweatpants, put on a nice shirt, makeup and fix my hair, so clearly a little more grown up hanging out would be a welcome addition to my fall schedule!]

In my first week of school I met a few women that I am eager to get to know more over the course of the quarter. I have felt better physically and seen that being out of the house for longer periods of time means that I snack less, and have to be more intentional about making good meals and snacks to eat on the run.

I want to be fully present. I want to be here. Right where God has me. This was not how I would have planned it but I am seeing the beauty of where I am.

As we continue our adoption paperwork we are aware that one day our lives will be turned upside down in a wonderful way. We will be shaken out of this particular season of life and I want to make sure we don't miss anything in the meantime.

So this is me. Seizing the day, eyes open to all it has to offer. If this is where you want me Lord, I look forward to uncovering all you have for me.

Back in the Saddle...or the classroom

2011-09-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday mark my first day back in the classroom. I have been in school for the past year taking online courses with some interaction with other students but this quarter I am in class every day. It's a little bit of an adjustment. But so far so good!

I am taking a French class every day and a yoga class three days a week so that gives my days some structure, something which I have been so desperate for. My earliest class is at 8am so I am getting used to getting up and going for a purpose beyond not being a slob.

It is so strange to be back in a classroom environment, especially because the last time I was there I knew everyone I was in class with. This time I am with a room full of strangers. I was nervous I would stick out like a sore thumb, an old sore thumb but luckily there is a lot of diversity on the campus and it is represented in my classes.

The stirring of my heart continues with regards to the conference we participated in this weekend. We have not come to any conclusions, and so we are continuing on the path we are on towards domestic infant adoption but are keeping our hearts open to God's leading. If he wants us to change direction I know he'll confirm it.

I reveling in the new challenge this quarter is offering. I'm enjoying feeling pushed out of my comfort zone. Stretched a little. Having something to focus on besides our infertility. The knowledge that we have a baby on the way 'someday' has given me my mojo back. I had lost my reason for a while, and it made studying a real pain. I started school thinking I would soon be pregnant and home with an infant and needing to have an outlet for a few hours a week where I got to be with adults and think about something other than being a mum.

That assumption seems stupid now, and at the least naive. It's one year and three miscarriages since I started and we were without a baby. When we made the decision to adopt school suddenly took on more purpose. I wasn't our kids to believe in education. I want to be an example of that to them. However, now I am desperate to complete my AA degree so that if an when we are blessed with a baby I can devote as much time as possible just holding him or her. I know that being away from our baby will be so hard. After all the waiting and hoping and dreaming that's been going on, and will continue until they are in our arms, I will both be wanting to spend endless hours just being home, being mummy. Perhaps the novelty of that will ware off after a while, but I know I want to feel as though I am making a choice about my time, rather than having my hand forced with a school schedule.

I am beginning to think a year from now would be the perfect time for us to have a baby...But I hear God laughing at my blatant assumption that because I determine it is the right time it is His plan. We have fully surrendered to His timing in adding to our family, but this girl has a hard time not making plans anyway. At least I have homework to keep me busy!

Wait no more

2011-09-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, J and i went with two other families from our church to an event called, Wait not more. It was something put on by Focus on the Family and is something they do all over the US to highlight the numbers of legal orphans in the foster system, and call the church to action to care for them.

It was an amazing event and we are both still reeling from the things we heard and the way God might be leading us.

In WA state, as of August 20110 there are over 1500 legal orphans, kids living in foster care just waiting for families for families to adopt them because their biological parents have had their parental rights terminated.

There are over 5000 churches in WA state. 5000 building full of people who claim Jesus as their savior, who have been adopted themselves into the family of Christ. "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress" James 1:27
We believe that right? So what do we do with that. That verse doesn't say anything about this only applying if you have had struggles with infertility, this is across the board something we are asked to do.

Please don;t hear me saying that adoption is something we should do without thought or prayer. I believe that adoption is truly a calling but I wonder if perhaps there are people who are simply not listening or responding to that call. It is not an easy choice to make, it's not a guarantee of an easy life for sure but might be something that God is asking you to do as his adopted child. At this conference there were lots of different speakers sharing their stories and experiences, a women who had been taken out of her mothers custody after sexual abuse by her mother boyfriend and who lived in foster care for a while before being adopted at age 6, another women with a similar story who was adopted with her siblings at age 11 - so often siblings are split up because there are not homes available for them to stay together. This just breaks my heart. All the loss these kids have suffered and now they lose the only family they have left.

Then we heard from an adoptive father, an adoptive mother and a women who was a biological child in a home where her parents fostered and eventually adopted. I loved her perspective about the way her faith was challenged and transformed by learning to love these kids who had no one else to love them and how much richer her and her biological siblings lives were because of the home they had and the love they saw displayed by their parents.

As we left the conference, J and I were already questioning our decision to adopt an infant. Our home could fit siblings, could our hearts? Is that what God is asking of us? Could our hearts be open to older kids? Kids that have hurt and pain and may have experiences abuse or neglect by those who were supposed to love them.

Then we went to dinner with our friends and their 5 month old who had been adopted by them at birth. It was so special to see them parent him, so wanted and such a gift in theri lives. Talking about how he is starting to recognise them and hear about the milestones he is reaching. We got to see their adoption story unfold - it was super fast, abnormally so. We will very likely be waiting a long time. And while we are waiting there are legally free children also waiting. We are waiting for a baby and they are waiting for a family. I just can't get my head around that.

I have no idea what God is doing, I am not sure if this is His plan for our family today or in the future. I am afraid to change course, but equally afraid of not doing so if that is the road that will lead us to our family.

I know this is a real issue, but I want to be sure that we continue to make our decision based on prayer and not just emotion. Let's be honest, I browse the 'waiting children' list and dissolve into tears, convinced it is my job to bring them all home. When I know that is not God;s plan. I know that J and I both want to be open to all God has, but use discernment to make sure we are not just doing something because it seems like the 'right' or 'Christian' thing to so. We serve a good and faithful God who wants us to be confident in Him. Any decision we make will go with us for ever, these children will be fully ours and we want to make certain that we have God's words of confirmation to come back to when hard times come.

The kept seeing these pictures of sibling groups and just imagining them in Christmas PJ's with J and I in the background as our Christmas picture. Which is all a fun fantasy until I realise that if we did decide to go down this road, that could actually be our reality next Christmas, and then it seems ridiculous.

We have a lot to think and pray about. Are we ready to let go of having a baby? Are we even being asked to? Lots of questions, and possibilities. My head hurts.

And tomorrow I start my fall quarter with an 8am class. I guess I should get my back pack ready!

Hope you all had a great weekend

First official Mummy purchase

2011-09-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, it's really too early, we are not even done with our home study yet but I was buying something on Amazon and needed something to get me over $25 for free shipping. I wonder if J will buy that excuse? All this paper work stuff is fine and dandy but I don't want to miss out on enjoying any of the anticipation that growing your family come with so I gave in.

Now, because I am afraid the waiting for a baby will be so painful with a fully kitted out nursery I am not going to go crazy. When we do complete our home study will start researching our car seat and crib/mattress/sheets etc but our purchasing will end there until that baby is in our arms.

I was talking to my friend Lindsey and she suggested that I make a list and a design for a girl nursery and one for a boy nursery and after we have our little one she is convinced our friends would want to help make those plans come to be while J and I fight over who holds the baby! That is actually the carrot I am dangling in front of myself to get the paper work done. I think I have been dreaming about my nursery even longer than I was about my wedding, ha ha.

In Home study news, we have sent off our personal reference forms to be filled out and returned and have completed a few pieces of paper that just needed to be read and signed. There probably won't be many exciting things to update on the adoption front for a while, this paperwork thing will take a little while so I will spare you the details. I think it might be more boring to red about paper work than to read about paint drying.

Now where was I? That's right, my first mummy purchase. If you know me, you will have realised how much I love my kitchen so it only seems right that our children will reap the fruits of my labor in that area too so I bought a cook book called, Love in Spoonfuls.

I can't wait to cook for our babes, but until then I have lots of time to practice some of these recipes on our friends kids!

Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?

2011-09-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

In the same way that pregnant couples read books about 'what to expect when they are expecting' as adoptive parents-to-be we also have a reading list to work our way down.

Our book list is long because it includes books about infant care and parenting skills - just like every other mummy and daddy to be, but we also want to read books about attachment because we understand that this may take more intentionality with a child that does not share our genetics. We want to prepare ourselves that our own attachment may take longer than if I had birthed a child myself. Of course, it may happen instantaneously but we don't want to be shocked if it takes longer. It's big stuff and also a topic I have avoided in my reading to this point. Procrastination is still my best friend when it comes to facing hard truths!

However, at the moment I am reading a book called, "Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?' by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. J and I are open to adopting a baby that is of a different race than us so we want to learn from other families who have walked this path before us. After only reading the introduction of this book I am realising that living as a trans-racial family takes a ton of intentionality so that our children grow up with strong self image and a strong sense of connection to us as their parents, even if we are not the same colour.

Right now, I am reading the chapter about talking to children aged 2-5 about this issue. It is so interesting to hear the interviews and snippets of conversations from parents and their children to see how race is observed and understood by little ones.

We want to raise our children to know that they fully belong in our family even though we may not all be the same race, and it would not be in their best interest to just pretend that we were. Society is not colour blind. Our choice to (potentially) have a multiracial family is not something we want to be a struggle for our children, but we have to understand that to send them into the world without preparing them with a strong and positive sense of self image is unfair. Our home will be a safe, happy place but we cannot guarantee that the rest of the world will be.

I pray that this book and others we read will continue to prepare our hearts and minds for the job of parenting ahead. I have no doubt that we will love our children, but I am not naive enough to think that will mean there will not be hard times. Intentionality is vital in raising children that are well-adjusted and have a positive self image. Parenting, whether you have biological or adopted children is always challenging but we are hoping that we can be as prepared as possible before we have our little miracle. Not that we will learn all we need from books but it at least begins some good thinking and necessary conversations between J and I before we have a babe in our arms.

If any of you have book recommendations I would love to hear them. We are interested in reading about all sorts of parenting, child development and adoption topics.

Thanks

Welcome to my home!

2011-09-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

Our house is a labor of love. I wanted to give a little history before I unveiled our newest finished project. Get comfy...

When we were house shopping we decided we did not want to get a fixer upper for our first home, and when we bought our house we were under the illusion it was totally move-in ready.

Here it was on that day...

Now, for all intents and purposes it was technically move-in ready. No live wires hanging out - oh, except for the one we discovered under the kitchen cabinet when we were dealing with the strange smell. The foulness turned out to be 15 years of rat poo festering in our crawl space and seeping up through the hole in the bottom of the cabinet...drilled for a wire which was forgotten about, and left hanging there, live! I couldn't make this stuff up.

And then there was the case of the carpet. It looked like it was in good condition. Not perfect, but not bad for second owners and nothing we would have to worry about for a while. Until the day J moved in and we saw the stains everywhere from an extremely incontinent dog. Or two. Note to self - and to anyone house hunting - move furniture when you are looking around because you don't want to make unpleasant discoveries after you have bought the place! After months of unsuccessfully treating the stains, and living in the one room of the house that didn't smell like dog piss the carpets we replaced them. We loved our new carpet, but it was an expense that we had not budgeted for so soon.

The carpet replacement included J and his dad pulling up the old carpet, painting some wood treatment on the floorboards to get rid of the dog smell as well as doing some leveling before the guys came to fit the new carpet. We also decided to paint as many rooms as possible while the carpet was pulled up so we didn't have to be too careful. When we moved in the house was white, everywhere and we really wanted to put our stamp on it and although we didn't think we would be painting the whole thing in 2 weeks, we managed it. While we are painting the walls we may as well paint the ceilings, right? Check.
and...while we are doing the walls and the ceilings we might as well bite the bullet and paint our baseboards too. Sure. The weird pine finish was so hard to match with paint colours and we thought the easiest thing would be to paint it white. Baseboards, window wells, window frames, and the stair rails all needed to be turned from pine to white. Little did we know this would involve primer and then about 4 coats of paint - on everything for it to look good. And again, we had two weeks to do it while the carpet was out.

In our frantic weeks of painting we certainly had a thousand finishing touches which we marked as un-essential and have been (very) slowly working our way down the list. It's been 2 years and we are finally feeling like we are living in our home.

One of our last projects in our downstairs living space has been our fireplace remodel in the TV room. This room is off of the kitchen and houses our TV. It is a space that has been hard to work on because we use it so much. We have people over to watch movies or football and baseball games, but the fact that we use it so much has made it almost impossible to give it full DIY attention.

We had a design in mind and it has come to be! Yay!
It started off like this.

(Even Christmas cards, lights and candles couldn't make it look better - and those paint swabs were on there for the best part of a year!)

Yes, red walls and not a good red. It looks 100% better in this picture than in real life. They only used one coat of paint so the white wall underneath was still visible and patchy in places. The fireplace arch is not straight, it's off by a few inches and we believe this is why the previous owners hand painted the ivy trail around it. It did little to distract me, in fact I think it served as a frame to the bad building work.
Also notice how the paint just stops mid wall, next to the window which for some reason s a diaper along the top. Yeah, that's been outta here for a while.

J and his dad knocked down the upper part of the wall and dry-walled, re-textured and finally painted. In the process, they realised our fireplace was not centered on the wall - so they moved it over. Next they tore out the old tiles and laid new tiles for the hearth and surround. They built bookcases, and painted them before topping it with the mantel piece.

Ok, so finding the perfect mirror to hang (we are trying this one out) and setting the shelves and mantel up the way I want will take time, but it is 100% better and we just love it SO MUCH! Ready...TA DA!!

While I was looking through pictures to find one of the red walls and the painted ivy of doom, I came across a few other pictures of rooms we have made our own since we move in. For your browsing pleasure...

Here is what the hallway looked like,

we even opened wedding presents with it as a background!

But now it looks like this!

And here is the living room as was - if you look closely you can see those yellow dog pee stains even through the neatly vacuumed carpet.

And here it is now, dog pee free carpet and everything!

Our Church Family

2011-09-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

On Sunday our church unveiled the video that they are putting on our church website. We love to build relationships with people and invite them into our communihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifty, but we know that often when people are looking for a church body to be a part of the internet is a great tool to find information.

This little clip does such a great job at capturing the heart of our church and the community that we value. J is the guy leading worship.

I love this blogger world but I admit that I am as nosy as the next girl when it comes to knowing about you all. I hope this short video will give you a glimpse of this part of our lives!

Hit this link and then play the video!

(yes, that is us in the goofy picture too!)

Here we go!!

2011-09-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

I think the Post Office in our area has made some cut backs because for the last few weeks we have only got mail delivered every other day. Each day last week I excitedly skipped to the mail box to see if our home study packet had arrived from the agency but it wasn't until today when we checked that the big brown envelope was there! It must have been delivered after I checked the box last night!

We were thrilled.

And then we opened it and were overwhelmed as we began to make a list of all the things we have to do. We just mailed off our Green card paperwork on Monday - so forgive us for being less than jumping up and down about starting another long form-filling, proof-gathering process. However, I am not letting the UGH feeling steal our joy in this.

The adoption process is a long road but we are almost there. I can almost taste it.

So tomorrow the work begins!

Woven by His Hands

2011-09-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday night, J and I went to our church to participate in the Adoption/Foster care group. We continue to praise God for the provision and support we find within our church community, and this group is just another way that community and sharing life is fostered.

There we about 12 couples who were there, some with children and some at different stages of the waiting process. It felt comforting to look around the room and see familiar faces, couples that I had been in small groups with at various times over the years, friends who have shared different life experiences with me even before I was married. It seems like God was building this community and establishing relationships with like-minded people journeying the path of adoption even before I had met the man who would be my partner in life. I can see God's plan being woven into my life and it fills my heart with hope for the future.

It was the first meeting since the summer break and we started by sharing our stories. Some off those who had been in the group before had exciting updates to share and it was fun to imagine that one day we could be one of those families sharing stories of how our children came into our lives as an encouragement to others just starting out on the journey.

Just today I read this story on a blog I follow where a friend shared that she got a message that read something like "My friend gave me your email I am 20 weeks pregnant and heard you might be open to adopting my baby" Seriously?! I mean, I am assuming that they did some investigation to ensure her credibility and a genuine friend was the connection before being so excited but how crazy/amazing/awesome is that!?!

This blogger had recently felt like God told her and her husband not to accept an offer from their clinic for a free IVF treatment. This seemed so crazy to me but I can hear in her post that they trust this little baby girl was the reason. It fills my heart with awe that God works in such a detailed way in our lives. Yes, we are pursuing adoption though Bethany Christian Services but in my heart I couldn't shake the feeling that we could be 'missing' our baby if we limited ourselves to just one agency. I know this might sound crazy, but it was a genuine fear that my heart was wrestling with. Reading Amy's story reminded me that if we are following where God is leading, being obedient to the things he asks us to do - and not to do - His plan will come to be.

If it is his plan that our child comes to us through our agency, then that is what will happen. But He is not limited! If he destines that our baby comes to us through a connection through our friends or community then he will make that happen too. Our obedience will not obstruct His will. I guess I just needed to see that picture of the tapestry that God is creating with our lives. Intertwined in ways we can't see, and ways we don't understand - yet - to be reminded (again) that it is truly in His hands.

We completed our formal adoption and now begin the Home Study process...I am hopeful we can get it done and out of the way before the holidays so we can enjoy those in a blissful state of trusting it's in God's hands!

Trip to Australia (figuratively)

2011-09-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

At our adoption training this past weekend one of the caseworkers read this story to illustrate that the journey to parenthood through adoption. I was in tears because it resonated so much in my spirit. If you are on this journey too I hope you too can find comfort, and if you have had children the biological way then perhaps it will shed a little light on how it feels to be in our shoes. I do not have a source to quote as the author but if I find one I will be sure to add it.

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place. You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you: You'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait - and wait - and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax, you'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat!" you say, "going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money, I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It's a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many fiends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible: traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself.

Happy Birthday to Me.

2011-09-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

Well, it's here. I am officially entering a palindrome birthday year, it's not as young as 22 or as old as 44 but somewhere in the middle :)

I wasn't sure how I would feel as I navigated through my 30's. Seeing the number climbing with each birthday brought fear in my 20's. But the fear was because the big 3-0 was looming. Once that milestone was passed, the fear dissolved. It wasn't so bad after all. In fact the freedom that come with feeling content with who I was and confident about what I looked like, unafraid to be myself was such a surprise. I am not sure how that happened, but something about entering my third decade gave me a shot of feeling free to be me - and with each passing 30's year, that same sense of loving who I am just increases. Life feels fuller, grander and more beautiful.

In light of fertility issues, a number above 35 brings some element of fear in regards to my elderly, ever decreasing eggs and the increased chances of certain syndromes and birth complications but that panic feeling has not yet reared it's head with this birthday. I believe that growing our family is in God's hands, and I am seeing how He is gently loosening the grip I have on controlling this area of my life. With every finger of my clenched fist he peels open, I feel a fresh wave of relief and expectant anticipation. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I am feeling truly spoiled, and celebrated today. Birthday wishes from friends and family on Facebook and via email, a pile of packages and cards to unwrap that have arrived in the mail, plans with friends filling my evenings, and a gift that came in a little blue box from my hubby as well as a cup of tea in bed this morning! I love Birthdays!!

In other news, I wanted to thank you all for your generosity in chipping in to reach the goal of $5000 for the orphans in the New Day foster homes in China. As of this morning there was only about $200 to reach to goal!! So exciting! The fundraiser ends tomorrow so you still have time to contribute if you wish. (scroll to the post below this for the link)

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans...in their distress..." James 1.27

Living for Today

2011-09-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

A month or so ago I mentioned an awesome opportunity to help some of the orphans in China who are in need of some pretty major medical care. New Day Foster home is a wonderful charity and they are the hands and feet of Jesus, loving on these little ones.

I wanted to do one more shout out on this blog before the deadline on Tuesday and ask you to dip into your pockets and see if there is any spare change hanging around. Even if you can only give a few dollars or a few pounds, together I know we can get to the $5000 target. I love seeing the total going up as people come together to contribute.

One talented lady has dangled a little giving carrot to encourage your generosity. If you make a donation of $50 or more she will make a hair bow for a little girl you know! See here for and here more details on that.

There are only two more days to go for this matching challenge and another generous person has agreed to match the money raised meaning any donations will be TRIPLED!! Your gift would keep on giving and giving and children across the world will get the help they so desperately need.

Ten Years Later...Remembering 9/11

2011-09-11T07:32:00.000-07:00

I remember where I was in September 11th 2001. I remember feeling sick to my stomach watching the images on the planes flying into towers, but unable to turn them off. I remember watching live as the towers fell. I had never set foot on American soil at this point in my life. I had never heard of the World Trade Center Towers before but I knew that what was happening was changing the world as I watched it happen. remember feeling absolutely convinced that any moment, reports would come in that Tower bridge or Buckingham Palace had been hit, or the Sydney Opera house. I didn't feel removed from the attacks even though they were happening across the ocean. It felt very real and that my loved ones were at risk in the same way the people in New york were.

One year later, almost to the day (September 14th 2002) I flew on a plane for the first time and I landed on United States soil.

In the years since, I have made America my home.

On September 11th 2001 I watched beloved British reporters, wearing no make up because they went on air so fast, report tragic updates of planes crashing into buildings in a land far away. It was frightening to see these usually composed reporters struggling for words, tearful and in shock.

This year, on the ten year anniversary on the event I have been able to watch the live reports that were aired on the 9/11 from New York city. Yesterday, I watched the Today Show footage from that day. Suddenly I saw these events from the eyes of America. I thought I had seen all the footage, but there was some I hadn't seen before. Honestly, I think I still have a sense of complete disbelief that it happened at all.

The tragedy of 9/11 is a reminder that we have to embrace the days we have on earth and make the most of our time here. Today I will hug my loved ones tighter and love them harder. I will say a prayer for all of those who have lost their lives at the hands of terrorists including those who died in the 9/11 attacks and for the families who lost their loved ones. I will live life to the fullest and look for beauty all around me.

Teamwork

2011-09-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

There are moments when I sit back and realise how easily a day has gone by. This was one of those days. Ironic that it would be Labor Day here in the US because it has felt decidedly un-work like!

This morning we slept in a little bit, I got up first and took some time out to catch up on reading blogs that I haven't checked in on for a bit and J stayed sleeping. When he did get up about 45 minutes later he came down stairs and made us smoothies for breakfast. They were delicious and a healthy, guilt free start to the day! (side note: I always eat better through the day if I start with healthy breakfast. If I take my time getting up in the morning and graze on whatever I find in the fridge...read, chocolate or frosting or some other un breakfast-y alternative [please don't judge me], then I never seem to get back on a good eating track.

Then we called a friend and made a plan to be out in the GORGEOUS sunshine later in the day which gave us impetus to cross off some things on our house 'to do' list. We got out our green card paper work in order, and almost ready to go. That will be so nice to get off our list!
Put some of my old school books on amazon to sell (and by tonight we had made $80 selling one of the bigger text books. Score)

We were able to do a bunch of little things that have been lingering for way too long and then we headed to green lake to treat ourselves with some frozen yogurt and some time in the sunshine. We even met up with our lovely friends Tim, Sarah and Lucy at the playground for a while which made our outing more enjoyable.

In seasons of stress and tension marriage can be tough. We feel blessed that our marriage has weathered the stress of infertility without too much damage but we have had days, even weeks when we just can't seem to get on the same page. We stopped believing the best in one another and instead chose to quickly believe the worst. I think bickering would be the best word to describe it.

We wanted to work as a team, but struggled to always be the best team mate to one another in the midst of all the emotions flying around. Our trip to Napa, time away together seemed to re set our relational balance or something and this weekend felt like proof of that. We fitted lots into the past few days but now we are sitting here sharing stories, laughing, looking forward to the week.

What's for Dinner Wednesday - Southwest Chipotle Quinoa Salad

2011-09-03T22:47:00.000-07:00

Taking a break from all the adoption conversation to post a What's for dinner post. I have discovered that when I am stressed I lose my appetite...well, that's not strictly true. I develop quite the appetite for chocolate and crisps but regular food, as in anything that needs to be cooked, I have no appetite for. Perhaps I could say that I lose my appetite for cooking. Luckily enough, I still really love to cook for other people and having a chance to take a side to a pot luck has been a great way to ease myself back into the kitchen.

I made this as part of a meal that we put together to celebrate J's mum's retirement. Quinoa can sometimes be bland, but this recipe that I found on dailyhomemade was a wonderful discovery. Full of flavor. We ate this cold as a side with BBQ and ate the leftovers warm for dinner the next day. I think I might have even enjoyed the leftovers better, the flavors had had more time to blend together.

Southwest Chipotle Quinoa Salad

Ingredients
2 cups vegetable or chicken broth
1 cup quinoa
1 Tbsp. Olive oil
1/8 cup red wine vinegar
Zest and juice from one lime
1 tsp. cumin
1/2 tsp. chipotle chili powder
1 can (15 oz.) black beans, rinsed and drained
1 1/2 cups corn
1 red pepper, chopped
1/2 cup diced red onion
Handful cilantro, chopped

Directions
Rinse quinoa with water. Place broth and quinoa in a saucepan over medium-high heat. Cook at a low boil for 15-20 minutes. turn off heat, cover with lid and let sit until ready to use.

To make dressing: combine olive oil, red wine vinegar, lime zest and juice, cumin and chipotle powder.

Toss cooked quinoa with dressing and remaining ingredients. Stir to combine. Serve warm or cold

A whole lot to process

2011-09-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

Bright and early this morning Jeremy and I headed to meet with our adoption worker at the agency. After almost two hours of talking through the process, and more details about the adoption situations we are open to considering. This led to more conversation about the leap of faith adoptive parents take any time they bring a drug exposed infant home. There can be minimal long-term effects or severe ones, and there is not a way to tell. Infants can often experience withdrawal symptoms which take extra time, effort and care to keep comfortable as their little bodies clean the drugs out.

This will (most likely) be our reality. This is our truth. It's a harsh one. And one that may slow our process for a while. We want a family but we are still working to surrender to the less than perfect reality that we face through adoption.

We truly believe that God has a plan, and more specifically, God has a child in mind for us. Our agency can tell us that the majority of the children they place have some exposure to drugs or alcohol, but perhaps we will be matched with a child that has not. Or perhaps our child will not come to us through our agency. Perhaps it will be a connection made from friends or family in another location who connect us with someone they know who is wanting to make an adoption plan. Perhaps we would actually conceive and have a successful pregnancy? Perhaps letting my thoughts linger on all the 'what-if's' allows me the freedom not to face this present reality.

We could be fortunate and be blessed with a child through adoption that has no medical issues but a part of me keeps thinking, "why should we be so lucky?" Clearly there are many babies coming into the world struggling with drug withdrawal, and many couples wanting to have children. Why should we get a healthy baby? We have resources that perhaps make us more equipped in some ways to care for a child who will have physical or emotional struggles, in the short term, or even long term.

I just don't want to.

I know that even if we had a baby of our own they could have issues that we have no control over. But usually the people offering that comfort are people who have had biological children that have not been born with any special needs or struggles. So yes, I know that there are no guarantees, but it seems easier to get my head around caring for a child that we have created who has a struggle that we could have done nothing to prevent than to knowingly open ourselves up to a child that had been exposed to drugs and could suffer lifelong consequences because of that. It's selfish I know. But I want the chance to raise a healthy child. I know that many people who adopt children have just that. But the wait for a healthy baby could leave us childless for many years to come.

My heart is heavy with this decision. The peace and confidence I had felt when we started this journey is fading, and I want it back. I need Jesus to reach down and squeeze my hand, to tell me he is here, to reveal what we should do next. I hope that if God was asking us to take on a child with special needs we would be obedient. It would be a hard. But when you have than sense of God's calling and God's purpose coming to be it can be easier to step out in faith. Right now I am just afraid. I do not feel as though we sense God's specific call or direction in our adoption. So where do we go from here? I am afraid to take the next step, but equally afraid to stay put.

Do we abandon our dream of having an infant for the dream of having a healthy child through international adoption? Or do we move forward in our domestic infant adoption and accept that our child may not be healthy or do we wait and and hope that we get chosen by a women who has taken good care of herself and her child during pregnancy? Would I feel blessed by that last outcome, or feel guilty that another couple would lose that chance? It would be a mixed blessing for sure.

This whole adoption process is dragging my faith across the coals. Its pulling the very core of who I though I was along with it.

My sense of entitlement is glaring, my idealism and desire for control becoming clearer through every conversation. I don't like this, I don't like who I am in the midst of this process. I hope that God continues to refine me, my hopes, my dreams and my heart to be all that he desires. Because I know that as I draw closer to Him he will give me the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4) I know that his plans are to give me a future and a hope, not to destroy me.(Jeremiah 29:11)

I just want so much to be on the other side of all of this. To have my family, to have our children in our arms to know the little ones we will love and care for and not just be thinking of them as a set of criteria. I want to be on the other side looking back. I want to be telling the story of how it all happened, not living it. It hurts.

To God be the glory, great things he has done.

Lord, please give me your grace. I really, really need it.

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother - Part 2

2011-09-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

Firstly I have to say a huge thank you to all of you who left kind and encouraging words and prayers in response to yesterday's post. Your gentleness was a balm to my weary, anxious heart. Thanks you, thank you. This next post has been in the work for a little while. It is another reflection from Jana Wolff's 'Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother' and seem to fit well with the head space I am in at the moment.

"As special as it was to witness this birth, I could do nothing to soften it's hard reality: I had been there, I had seen it, and I could never pretend that this baby had arrived by magic, in joyful ambivalence. I could never look at him without seeing her."(73-74)

I imagine that this will be one of the pieces of the adoption process that will be hardest for me. I have wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember. I want to be the one a baby looks to for comfort, who's voice they recognize first. I want to be everything to my children. And the adoption process as beautiful as it is, doesn't offer me that illusion in the way having a biological child would. (Perhaps that is a good thing...perhaps that is the point, perhaps that is where my faith must grow...perhaps, perhaps, perhaps)

I say illusion because ultimately our children will belong to God. Whether they come from my body and share my genetics or not. They are never only mine, or only ours. However children find their way into our hearts and homes, they firstly and always belong to God.

He loves them and cares about them more than we can imagine or match. We can love with everything inside us, but God will always out love us.

There is no way that I can be everything to my children, they will need God's strength, grace, compassion to be all they are designed to be. So my job will be to teach them about Him by modeling all those things, and showing my own dependence on God day by day...suddenly, my illusion of being capable of being everything my child wold need begins to crumble -in a good way!

For our adoption story to be complete, we need there to be a mother who chooses us to parent her child. She will never be out of the equation, she is an intimate piece of this puzzle. Our child will always wonder about this woman, and may well feel a sense of loss or confusion as they begin to more fully understand the story of how they came to our family. We can hope and pray that their birth mother's choice will be understood, and that she will be known to our child in a way that eliminates some of the mystery and offers some answers and for our child, but we have no way of knowing beforehand who if her desire and situation will allow for this 'ideal' open adoption scenario.

I can never pretend that I am my baby's world. There will always be another women sharing the mother piece in their heart. While this mother may not be the one waking for night feeds or caring for them when they are sick, this woman will have given them life, and that can never and will never be forgotten. I really hope that our circumstance will allow us to embrace our child's birth mother as an extension of our family. That is our prayer.

I know that I will be mama, 'tucks them in every night' mama. My child will only have one of those, but I also hope God will give me grace as I share that Mother piece of our child's heart with their biological mother, the courageous woman who gave them life and made a choice out of love, that gave us the opportunity to be parents.

So while it may be hard at times to feel as though I will be sharing my child, I hope and pray that this feeling will be soothed by the revelation that they were never mine to begin with, that they were a gift and that it is my job as mama to love them and help them to become all they were created to be. Our story will include imperfect situations, no ones 'first choice' as Jana Wolff wrote. I know in my own strength this could cast a dark shadow over our journey, but in Him I can see that we have been given the responsibility to join in with the story he was writing not only in our lives, but also in the lives of others who find themselves pregnant and unable to parent. This is a story beyond ourselves, outside our white picket fence.

God perfect reality for our lives. Made possible only through His grace.

This blog represents a steady flow of emotions. I am a girl, it's just how we roll. While it may seem like a roller coaster - trust me it feels that way in real life - everything I write is from my heart, poor spelling included!

Grapes and Grieving

2011-08-31T15:01:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, I had so much fun this ICLW reading new blogs and getting to make new blogger friends. I can't wait for next month

J and I returned late last night from almost a week in beautiful Napa California visiting with friends. Jeremy and Adam have been friends since elementary school and luckily his wife lisa and I have become firm friends too. They have three of the most fun loving, adorable and lovable kiddos on the planet and we woke up every day to the pitter-patter of their little feet coming to see if we were awake and ready to play!

We had such a great time; relaxing at home, horsing around with the boys, eating great food, discussing our faith, reliving old times and looking through old pictures, drinking good wine and exploring Napa.

We talked about our adoption plans and it was exciting to imagine taking a little one of our own on a visit one day. At the same time a few unresolved feelings about the adoption process decided to show their face. I guess it is like any kind of grieving, you go through the steps (Denial, Anger, Bargaining,Depression and Acceptance) and while it has potential for immeasurable joy, there is certainly grief involved and it certainly showed its face over the past few days.

As we looked through old pictures of our friends our conversation turned to which features we were able to see in their children. It is always amazing to me that genes work in that way and children can resemble both their parents even when the parents do not look at all alike! I always imagined seeing myself in my children, and after I got married I was so excited to think about a little Jeremy running around, I always hoped for a little boy with J's big brown eyes. Another loss. We will likely never get to see ourselves in our children. Suddenly this blow felt like one too many. My patched up heart began to come undone. "It's not fair" rang in my ears. The reality that adoption is not my first choice suddenly began to make me doubt our decision. If I couldn't get my head around this new revelation was adoption really the road for us?

I couldn't help looking down the path we are on and envision getting slapped in the face by more and more dreams that won't come true. Suddenly (potential) recurrent miscarriages or (potential) failed IVF became the less painful options. All the things we are surrendering for adoption seemed to be the things I was clinging most tightly to.

I feel as though the enemy is working his way into my heart, stealing my peace and my joy. I believe this is exactly where God wants us. The feelings of loss are real but the unique joys of adoption are teal too.

And so we continue with our paperwork, and pray that God continues to sustain us in the moments when we feel overwhelmed.

I just want a baby but I need a miracle.

Good thing there was lots of good wine flowing in Napa.

Cast all your paperwork on Him...or something like that!

2011-08-24T12:14:00.000-07:00

We just scheduled our 2 hour orientation with our adoption agency. We had already signed up for a training day which is happening the second weekend in September and had to complete the orientation first. We also just got and the official application form. Yes, that's right, the preliminary one was a breeze compared to this!

I know that it could still be months before our fingerprints come back, and I thought they would be what is holding us up but honestly, this paper work is taking way longer than I expected! I am usually someone that just bulldozes my way through it but with all the extra paper work that appeared on our plate (visa, school etc) I have let this take a bit of a back seat.

I know that the orientation and the training will bring adoption stuff back to the fore front of our minds and actions, where we want it to be, so until then I think we can work hard to get the other stuff finished and out of the way.

We celebrated our anniversary a day belated because j had been away on business until late on Monday (Although he did walk through the door with a beautiful bouquet of coloured roses in hand!). We ate at a restaurant called 50 North here in Seattle. It was beyond tasty. Oh my goodness! We do not eat out that often, especially now as we are saving to bring our baby home, but I think we try to appreciate the chance to focus on each other without distraction. We know it won't be this easy forever. We are excited to take a little one out to eat but it will be different. So until then, we appreciate what we have.

It was a special evening, and fun to relive the last couple of years. What have we learned, where have we grown, how are we different? Two years ago, we had no idea that our journey would look the way it has. We could never have dreamed we would have had the strength to walk the path that our marriage has taken. But we have. God has been shaping and molding us. Loving us each step of the way. I know He will continue to be there through the mountains of paperwork and 'to do' lists all the way to our child(ren). It feels good to let go and give all the uncertainty to him.

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Math. Yuck. Babies. Yay.

2011-08-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

I started back at community college over a year ago to get a general AA degree. I have some qualifications at this level from England in Early Years Care and Education, but they don't really mean much over here in the land I now call home so I wanted to have something academics-wise to my name.

I tested in with an almost perfect score for English, but at the time I had not had a chance to revise to take the math one so I thought I would just register for English based classes, revise the math for a week or so and then come and take it so by my second quarter I would be free to take whichever classes I wanted.
That didn't exactly happen...
A year later and I am just now doing some online research to find some refresher questions to begin with that can help recover some of the math skills that have been hiding, dormant for about 15 years! Luckily my husband is a whiz with numbers and will be a great tutor.

I had a look back at my post from my first day back at college last year and how proud I felt. I had to give myself that same pep talk this week as I registered for classes, "you can do this".

Originally I started back at school imagining I would be pregnant quickly and that I would take classes as I was raising little ones (you know something to keep my brain active so I could have something more in there than just diapers and baby talk). That didn't happen, well technically it did. The pregnancies came, they just never lasted long enough to leave us a baby.

Now we are on our adoption journey, I am eager to get school out of the way as quickly as possible. I want to be ready to give our baby all the time in the world. Just to sit and rock this precious gift without worrying about assignments being due. I know homework will become insignificant once motherhood is bestowed on me in this way. I have fears about how attachment will happen with our baby, and I want to just be together with no other agenda than to fall in love.

I have another year or year and a half to go for school. It will be a busy, busy time but I am hoping it will help pass the time until we get that life-changing phone call that a birth mother has chosen us to parent her child. I am well aware that I could be well graduated before that happens, but it would be the perfect graduation gift!

Of course we would love to be matched quickly but another part of me would just like to get school out of the way so I can fully embrace everything baby without the nagging feeling that I should be doing homework. Not to mention, I am sure my grades would reflect the sleepless nights that come with a baby!

I wonder what the odds are that we get a baby before I finish my classes? Perhaps if I study hard for the math placement test I will be able to figure it out? ha ha

Happy Tuesday!

Second Anniversary

2011-08-22T06:08:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that today we are celebrating our second wedding anniversary. What crazy ride it has been so far!

I waited for along time to meet my Prince but boy, I just wish I had known how much God would out do himself when he brought Jeremy into my life. It would have made the waiting easier. And something of that lesson is a comfort as I think ahead to the child God will bring into our lives.

This year has been tough. But I love my husband more today than I did this time last year, and much more than the day we said "I do". I never thought that would be possible, but I am so glad it is.

There have definitely been growing pains in our second year, we have faced up to some pieces of ourselves which are not so pretty but in one another we have found constant love, forgiveness and grace. And in each other we find the strength to be transformed. To become more of the people God designed to be. To model honesty, generosity, integrity, hospitality, love, forgiveness to our community and the world.

I think our home has mirrored our marriage. When we bought the house, it was livable. We thought we knew what we were getting into!

After we moved in we discovered stains on the carpet that we hadn't noticed before and had to do a pretty big renovation to replace it all after we realised we couldn't just cover it up.

And then there are the other improvements wee have made. We have smoothed rough walls and changed their colours, found furniture that works for us and begun to feel more comfortable here.

It's taken two years to get to this comfortable point in our house. And in our marriage.

We got married thinking we knew what was coming. We found some issues that didn't surface until after we had been married a little while and they were not something we could live with and we had to take action to make changes. Then we got into a rhythm, we began to work together and now we are starting to feel really comfortable in the skin of our marriage.

Sadly, J had a last minute business trip to L.A. which he left for yesterday afternoon but he's back tonight. It feels sad not wake up on our anniversary in the same bed, but we woke up in different beds on our wedding day too. (I was in the house we now call home so my bridesmaids could all come and get ready here, and J had to sleep on the bed in his parents trailer because the beds in their house were full of our of town family visiting for the wedding, Oh memories! ha ha

I really wanted to add a couple of pics from our day - I mean, who doesn't love a good wedding picture? But they are not on this computer, so instead, here is a link to the first post on this blog from two years ago with a couple of my faves from the day. Enjoy!

Happy Anniversary my love, I can't wait to see what year three holds!

Our story so far..

2011-08-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have seen some exciting jumps in the number of hits that the blog is getting. Thank you all for dropping by! I wanted to write a post which gave a basic overview of our story to becomming parents to catch you up on what's happening with us. But first let me introduce myself.

I am Chrissie.

Born and raised in South London until I picked up sticks and headed to Seattle, Washington in 2002.

Married to Jeremy, a born and bred Seattle-ite (I guess I am here to stay!)

Love Jesus with all my heart and try hard to live a life that reflects Him.

My kitchen is my happy place and I love nothing more than creating deliciousness.

Creeping from early-30's to mid-30's too quickly for my liking!

Here is our story to becomming a family of 3...

In Feb 2010 Jeremy I am lost our first pregnancy at 6 weeks. It had been an unplanned pregnancy but the loss cut deep and our pregnancy innocence was taken from us. This loss also made us realise how much we wanted to start a family. That July we began trying again, and couldn't believe it when we fell pregnant right away, but just before six weeks our second pregnancy ended. Our doctor advised us we didn't need to wait to try again and that two early losses didn't mean there was a problem, it could just be bad luck...
In August we were more cautious when those two line appeared on our test, but our tears feel when this pregnancy also ended as it neared the six week mark.

At this time my OBGYN ran a ton of blood work and other tests, and also referred me to a fertility specialist. We have truly been blessed with doctors who have taken time to really try to help us.

Our fertility specialist told us to stop trying while they ran the tests, so we took a couple of months off while we waited.

Tests came back, and everything was ok except hubby's swimmers had a little morphology issue. Our doc was confused because usually with this abnormality, people do not conceive for a very long time, if ever (naturally) but we had not fallen into that category...

Our doctor prescribed Progesterone supplements from 3 days after ovulation until a 14 dpo unless we got a positive in which case we would continue taking it. My levels had been low when they had done blood work during my pregnancies, and she hoped that this could be a simple supplement which could help sustain the pregnancies if they ere viable.

Back to TTC in December 2010, using progesterone for the first time, and this time when we got a positive test we were almost numb, and expecting the worst...which came true at 6 weeks.

At this time our doctor increased the Progesterone dose and we went back to trying. When I took at test at 14dpo in January 2011 there was only one line. It was the first month since we started trying to have a baby that we had not got pregnant. I was honestly in shock.

I reasoned that a month off could be in my body's best interest. But when that first months negative was repeated again and again my resolve to be positive got weaker and weaker. Hoping each month we would get pregnant and that it could be the time that eventually led to our baby was just too hard when our hearts broke a little with each period that showed up.

We set a time line of August 2011, if we had not fallen pregnant by then, we would consider our options and start a new journey, either fertility treatments or adoption.

By the time August arrived, Jeremy and I both felt God leading us down a path towards adoption as a way to build our family. And we began the journey towards a domestic with excited hearts, but open eyes that this will take strength we do not possess on our own. We are living in God's story, and He is writing something unique and beautiful for our family. We know this may take some time but we are willing to wait for the child God has in mind and we are already praying for our baby and for their birth parents. We understand that for our family to be built another person will make the ultimate sacrifice, a selfless act of making an adoption plan for a baby they love but cannot care for, and for that situation we pray because it will take such courage and strength.

Thanks for stopping by, please leave a comment to let me know you were here.

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

2011-08-20T06:40:00.000-07:00

And onto a different topic...If you know me at all, you will know how a good book can have me MIA until I have read something cover to cover. Once we had made the decision to adopt, I began to compile a book list that would give me some more insight into what this could and world mean for our lives and I was eager to get started. Our agency suggested one book to start with and I had got it from the library, all ready to start reading once my final school assignments were handed in.

The book is called, 'Secret thoughts of an adoptive mother' by Jana Wolfe. It is the author's story of adopting her son. It is beautiful, and kept me out of commission for about 3 hours last night while I read it through. I felt very encouraged to read another adoptive mother's thoughts, the good, the bad and the ugly - it was comforting to know others who have walked this path have had similar thoughts.

There is much to process, and many many blog post which can be written from the pages of this book.

I could not read this book fast enough, I could hear myself loud and clear in Jana's words especially in the first few chapters where she and her husband are struggling with infertility and moving on to the adoption process. As I was reading page after page after page, one sentence stopped me in my tracks.

Jana and her husband had been chosen by a birthmother who was due to give birth in a month and Jana was visiting her mother to go shopping to prepare for their little one's arrival. As they wandered the aisles of the baby store, finding the items that would be best, Jana reflected how bitter sweet it was. "Every thought of this baby to come was also a reminder of the baby that never came" (46-47)

I tried to read the sentence to J but the words caught in my throat, and tears came before the words did.

Most of my emotion regarding our adoption process so far can be summed up in those few words. I am truly excited for the journey ahead, but I am still grieving the loss of our pregnancies and the loss of hope that J and I will ever welcome a child genetically related to us, and the real possibility that I will never carry a child in my body.

In my heart they are separate. Our journey to parenthood via adoption is a happy thing. It has many unknowns, but we genuinely feel this is a path God has set before us, and we are grateful for the comfort we have found in starting this journey and the hope it renews in our lives.
Our loss is still real and raw. It has changed us. It has humbled us. Brought us to our knees and forced us to find strength we never knew we had. Adoption can't heal the loss. Time helps. Prayer and love and most of all Jesus are the only things that provide true comfort but even then there is no one-time fix. Our wounds are real. Healing, but real.

Walking around Toys R us earlier to buy a gift for a friend, I found myself wandering around some of the baby supplies. For the first time in a year, I felt excited that one day I would be able to shop for a baby that would be calling me mama. And then I found myself at the baby formula shelf and I was comparing prices and checking labels for ingredients...of course, I only want the best for our baby. Suddenly, a reality hit me. If I had given birth to a baby, 'the best' would be breast milk, not organic, all natural (very expensive) formula. And suddenly my joy felt like it was momentarily swallowed up by the hole in my heart.

It feels like a huge truth. One that sneaks up on me multiple times a day in all kinds of expected and unexpected ways. It's hard to hold both of those feelings at once, but that seems to be part of the job description of an infertile adoptive mother.

I would highly recommend this book to any women in the adoption process. Any other book suggestions ladies? I would love to hear your recommendations.

Fingerprint news...

2011-08-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for your comments, suggestions and prayers about my fingerprint re-do this morning. I do not have the best news to share. I had a different lady take my prints and she was just not as good. She didn't look at my hands at all before she printed them, I was nervous, so the offer of a paper towel would have been appreciated. The paper was not tight in the holder and I had some boxes filled with JUST smudges, no line at all. Still, before I saw this I asked her how they looked and she said they looked good, "but you never know what will happen when they put them through the machine." No. It didn't fill me with hope. Especially when I then compared them to the first set - and in my humble, untrained eye, they had a much better chance getting an accurate reading from the fist set (which already had it's own excused note from it's mum)

Anyway, I said a prayer and mailed them off. So now we wait those 8-10 weeks and hope and pray that they get a good reading. Please Jesus.
I am fearful that this will be the thing that holds up our process. I DO NOT want to have to re-do them again and then wait another 8-10. Humph, *insert pouty face here.

So that's the update. Praying for a miracle. Both sets of prints to be accepted and approved.

We have an orientation meeting at our agency in the next couple of weeks and then a training day in early September. So that should take my mind off the waiting. I think that having stuff to do is a great distraction. We have been just twiddling our thumbs for so long that filling out forms is actually an enjoyable experience as we can feel as though our time is not being wasted, but actually doing something intentional and will get us closer to starting our family. Guess we are really doing this!! *insert much happier face

What's for Dinner Wednesday - Summer Cherry Salsa

2011-08-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

This is not a meal but it is a fantastic, refreshing and summery snack treat. I am a big fan of making salsa with different fruits and vegetables. Last year my strawberry avocado was a big hit at summer BBQ's! This year however, my absolute favourite summer fruit, the cherry, has top billing.

I know this recipe might seem a little strange, but as I have said before, trust me. It is DELICIOUS.
While it is totally possible to make this without a cherry pitter I can never go back now I have found how handy this little gadget is. As I mentioned, cherries are my fave and we get through many a pound, in pies and cobblers and just munching through the summer and so it was a great investment!

Ingredients

1 lb sweet dark cherries
3/4 C red onion, diced in 1/8-inch pieces
6 T Balsamic vinegar
1-2 jalapeno peppers, depending on how hot you like it. I only used half a pepper, seeded and minced.
1 C basil leaves, finely chopped
1 C Italian parsley leaves, finely chopped
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp fresh ground pepper
3/4 tsp sugar

Directions
In a small bowl, combine onions with vinegar and let mellow for 20-30 minutes. Wash, stem, pit and quarter the cherries. Combine the cherries with the vinegar mixture and remaining ingredients.
Refrigerate until ready to use.
Serve with tortilla chips and enjoy.

(Recipe from the Full Circle Farm newsletter, July 2011)

Fingerprint Fail

2011-08-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Our adoption paperwork has been plodding along nicely. Timing for classes and such have fallen into place in a way that allows us a pretty quick process so far. And then today happened.

We got our paperwork notarized, got our official bank checks and took it all downtown early this morning to get our fingerprints taken and sent off to be checked by the folks at the FBI. This process takes 8-10 weeks and we wanted to get it started quickly so it would not be the thing that held us up. If there is an issue with your prints they return them and then you have to do them again and wait another 8-10 weeks to see if they pass the next time. I had a friend who's prints failed multiple times before they conceded and retina scanned her or something to prove she was who she said she was and had never done anything terrible (*I am pretty sure she was not retina scanned, that was just added for dramatic effect - I have not idea how she finally satisfied this criteria)

There was a lovely British lady working at the fingerprint counter, that made me feel at ease. However, it didn't seem to help us get good prints.

Sadly, as she rolled my blackened fingers across the card she commented about how flat they were. By the end, she says she is 100% sure they will be rejected. She even attached an official waver to the sheet which pretty much says, "I did the best I could with these dehydrated digits and I know they aren't good but do what you can"

So I asked if I could try again later this week and she said yes. Drink lots of water and use lots of hand lotion and then come back on Friday. So I put a call in to our agency and they are sending another sheet. So on Friday i will head back down and try again. I guess waiting a few more days to try and get a good sample is better than waiting 8-10 weeks to be rejected and then having to do the whole thing over again but I am nervous my prints are just crappy and all my computer typing and stuff has rubbed away the potential for a good set of prints!

It's silly, but not really. If it comes to mind, please say a quick prayer for us that I can get a good set of prints when I go back later this week so we can send off a good set.

Of course, she told Jeremy his set was one of the best she had ever printed.

What's for dinner Wednesday - Zesty Quinoa with Broccoli and Cashews

2011-08-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted something from my kitchen, but this one is worth the wait! It's been sunny here, so lots of thrown together salads have been on the menu in our house. Deliciousness.
This is a tasty treat, full of things that make your body happy, healthy and strong!

I love quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah) and since I discovered it, I have been constantly on the hunt for good recipes. It can taste a tad bland sometimes, but this recipe delivers on the 'zesty' in it's name.

Ingredients

1/2 cup sundried tomatoes (not packed in oil) I only had a jar where they were in oil, and using them worked great, but I am sure they added more fat to the recipe! If you use the ones in oil, they do not need to be soaked, just cut them and add them)
1 1/2 cups low-sodium vegetable broth, divided
1 cup finely chopped red onion
3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
3/4 cup dry white wine
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 cup uncooked quinoa
2 cups small broccoli florets
1/2 cup roasted cashew pieces
2 green onions, thinly sliced

Directions

Soak sundried tomatoes in hot water to cover for 15 minutes to soften them, then drain and chop. Bring 1/2 cup broth to a simmer in a medium pot over medium-high heat. Add onion and garlic and cook for 5 minutes. Add chopped sundried tomatoes, remaining 1 cup broth, wine and lemon juice and bring to a boil. Stir in quinoa. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, for 20 minutes.

Arrange broccoli on top of quinoa, cover and simmer for an additional 10 minutes. Remove from heat and toss gently to combine. Serve garnished with cashews and green onions.

Enjoy!

All God's Children

2011-08-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

Please take some time to prayerfully consider this post...

Many years ago, long before I came to Seattle God broke my heart for the orphans in China. I knocked on some doors with organizations going over to work with the orphans, but at the time nothing opened up. Eventually God led me to be Seattle to be part of YWAM here, and one of the major draws for this particular program was that they listed China as an outreach option. (Of course when I arrived, there was not a team going to China that year, but I truly believed that God put that passion in my heart to bring me across the ocean to Seattle)

Anyway, over the years my passions have evolved but there has always been a little bit of it reserved for the orphans of China.

Our very good friends, Tim and Sarah also have a passion for the orphans in China. And in recent years, I have watched the way God has been speaking to their hearts about caring for these little ones. They wanted to do something special for their daughters first birthday in May 2010 and asked party guests to give money to New Day Foster Home instead of gifts. New Day is a very special organization that works to care for China's orphaned and abandoned. Many of the children they care for have health problems and New Day offers care and medical help too. However, they are limited by a lack of funds, and many of the children need surgeries and medical care while they wait to be adopted by their forever families.

Recently, Sarah was a part of a campaign to raise money to send clothes to the girls at the New Day Foster home, such a special gift to give to these little girls and make them feel special and like someone cares.

I got an email from Sarah the other day with another great way to help these orphans. New Day has a fundraiser happening right now for medical treatment for the orphans in their care - and really exciting, that a doner has agreed to match everything that is raised up to $5000!!! This could make a HUGE impact on the lives of these children.

As a rule, I do not post fundraiser on my blog but this is personal to me. As Jeremy and I crunch numbers and refine our budget to finance our adoption in the same way we would have found a way to make IVF or fertility treatment happen, I am very aware of how fiercely I am willing to fight to give my child everything.

In the process of adoption, the reality that every child belongs to God has become even more real to me. And suddenly, every orphan becomes like a child that we could bring into our home, and a little piece of my mama's heart goes out to them and wants to meet their needs. I think this most recent fundraiser, which will bring health, healing and increased quality of life to these little ones really struck a chord with me. If we knew that our child was in need of a surgery we would sacrifice to make it happen, and while we are not seeking to adopt from China, a part of me takes responsibility as a mother to care for them in the small way that I can. In this case that means being able to give to this cause (especially because our donation will be matched!)

I know that many of you, like us, are on a budget. But please prayerfully consider this opportunity to give, even in a small way - remember your gift will be doubled!

I have put links throughout the blog so you can read up on some of the things and people I have talked about. Please do! I am not an advocate for many organisations but New Day Foster Home is a place that I am proud to support because they are being the hands and feet of Jesus to these little ones.

Artist of Heaven

2011-08-06T15:27:00.000-07:00

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

This verse has become a little bit of a mantra for me over this past year. I have quoted it in conversations almost daily this week as we move forward with our adoption plans and I am facing the reality that we have some tough decisions to make. We cannot control the health of our child. We may adopt a child of a different race. There are so many things I worry that I won't be able to cope with and honestly, so many thing I just don't want to have to cope with. Time and again, God's gentle whispers remind me that the control I believe I have in my life is really just an illusion. I would not have as much control as I imagine over a biological child. I cannot ensure the details. Our family is growing in God's way.

J and I were talking the other day about some of my fears and he asked if I had considered that God may be asking our family to look different than I imagined. That if I stopped trying to plan all the details, then the potential of a child who would not live up to them would b=not seem so scary. My husband is not a man of many words, unlike me, the spouse suffering from verbal diarrhea on a regular basis, but boy, when he speaks I have learned to turn my ear and listen. It was almost an off handed comment. He wasn't expecting it to be a life altering moment, but I have not been able to get it out of my mind.

If I just plan to have a family and truly leave the details with God, I have nothing to be afraid of. What ever problems our future children may have, we will deal with it as and when it comes along and that will be our reality. Our expectation can be that God will give us exactly what we need at the time we need it and if we are living in His strength, we can trust everything will be for our good and for His glory.

This is not as easy lesson. This post is not claiming victory over these fears and concerns just yet, but when I opened my devotional this morning and saw that this was the verse for the day I knew I had to share a little of my heart and the lessons God has been teaching me recently.

I have seen so many friends begin their journey of parenthood and be faced with a reality that is nothing like they expected. I know that we will also have to walk through that too, and maybe even a little more because our child will be adopted but we are trying to get our hearts truly ready for what's to come.

This weekend J and I spent our first night under canvas this year and it was fabulous. The weather has just not been good for fair weather campers until recently. The sunshine was not super obvious yesterday but it was warm, and this morning when we woke up it was glorious so all is forgiven!! We spent a couple of hours at the street fair and then came back to the camp to enjoy the sun. But only briefly before I had to retreat to the cool air conditioned lodge and J went our for a ride on his bike.

It's a good day to be alive. And today we are full of joyful anticipation for the future and true appreciation for the present. God is good all the time. As we map out the outline of our live, He is there filling it in with a rainbow of glorious colour. We don't know what it will look like but the Artist of heaven is painting a perfect picture on the canvas of our lives.

Overwhelmed (in a good way!)

2011-08-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

Wow! Thank you so much! Since our post yesterday, we have been completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and love. We are excited to think about how may of you are praying for our family and how incredible it will be for our babies to know how much love and prayer was surrounding them before they were ever officially in our family.

Clearly, it takes a village to adopt a child as well as raise one and we are so thankful for your care and prayers!

We received our initial application today and can start the process of filling that out. It feels real. Daunting and exciting all at once. We are trying to remain sensitive to the Lord's leading at each step. We feel confident is His call but the specifics are all still unclear.

We are dreaming Big Dreams and it's really fun. Over the past year we had lost some of the excitement and stopped dreaming. Having a baby was something surrounded by loss and grief and our hope was fading fast. Dreams and wonderings we once shared aloud, had become too painful to verbalise. We have been given back our dreams, and our conversations have already started up again!

Last night at dinner with close friends, Jeremy was so attentive to their little one. He has always loved their little guy, but something was different last night. I think he was really starting to let himself imagine being a Daddy. It just melted my heart.

A different kind of announcement!

2011-08-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

I just officially updated my 'About me' to include this little fact...I guess it's more than that. It's a pretty big deal. So here goes...
We are ADOPTING!

This is probably not a announcement that will come as a surprise for anyone I have had conversations with in the last month. Apparently, even before we had made the decision to adopt, my thought process was telling everyone else that is where we were being led! Funny how God can speak through our own words even before we are aware of what He is saying!

We met with our adoption agency this morning; asked lots of questions and heard lots of information. It's going to be a long process. It can take many months to even get our paperwork in, and after our names are officially in the pot the average wait with out agency at the moment is 18-24 months to get matched with an expectant mother (but it could take longer). We have many, many papers to fill out, questions to answer, and after all that is completed we have to wait. Put it in God's hands all over again, and trust that He will bring our baby to us in His perfect time.

So that is what is ahead for us.

We are truly excited. There is so much that has brought us to this place; many things we had to walk through, many fears to surrender and many hopes to embrace. But here we are and we trust that this is God's plan for our family. We have not ruled out all the other options for the future, and we do not know how God will move, but for now they seem to have faded into the background as this became the clear path for us to walk down.

I was excited and nervous before our meeting this morning. Questions ran through my head, "Are we really doing this, are we ready?", "How did we get to this place?" A part of me was so happy, but there is certainly a part of me that feet grieved too. I shed some tears as the reality that our child will most likely have been exposed to some drugs or alcohol in the womb sank in. It is so sad to imagine. After our baby is in our care, we can and will do everything to protect them but we are helpless to protect them before they are ours. We will live with the consequences of another persons actions forever in our home; this is true because our child will be a result of those consequences, but also because the challenges our child may face will also be there. This is a reality of adoption, an opportunity to grow in faith, but a very painful way to experience God's promises. I have to trust that the strength, grace and faith needed to parent which ever child God selects for us, will come from Him as we need it, because it certainly feels overwhelming to consider today. Again, God is asking us to surrender to His plans, ans trust His provision. And certainly, we are already praying for our baby and God's protection to be powerfully surrounding him or her!

I had felt so sure of God's direction in pursuing adoption, but I already sense fear creeping in. I am fighting with not wanting this to be our life. Feeling like God made this decision without asking my permission. Yes, I really just wrote that...now, I know of course that God does not need my permission to do anything, but usually He is so gentle, and this infertility stuff feels too harsh to be a part of Him. Why does it have to be like this?

I believe that I am being asked, once again to surrender to His greater, perfect plan. Am I willing to do it? In all the fear I know I have to quiet my heart and listen for that still small voice. Trusting that this fear is truly the enemy's dissuasion. The call to adopt is a gift and wouldn't he just love it if we turned away at the first hurdle? Not going to happen.

My husband has been my rock. He continues to hold me close and tell me it's going to be ok - I believe it when he tells me. His words can often be the vessel God chooses to bring peace to my heart, and in this adoption process, it is no different. J has been on the adoption band wagon for a while now, just waiting for me to take my seat. His faith is firm and strong and his understanding of what God is asking of us is much clearer than my own. His confidence in God in the midst of this crazy journey does not seem to waver in the way mine does. (I blame hormones!) J's words and actions continue to turn my eyes back to Jesus in such a gentle way, and I am thankful that he is such a constant home for my heart.

So here we are. Our first forms to fill out on the table beside me. Yikes.

So now we what we can and then we can put it in God's hands and trust Him.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" Ephesians 3:20-21

It's Kind of a Funny Story

2011-08-01T11:22:00.000-07:00

We spent the best part of Saturday soaking up the 80 degree sunshine and laying on the beach. By evening we were wiped and decided to give our Seattle skin a break and watch a movie. Off to Red Box we headed and after scrolling back past the newest releases we found 'It's Kind of Funny Story.'
I didn't have high expectations but I can honestly say it is one of the best movies I have seen in a really long time.
It's a about a 16 year old boy who checks himself into a psychiatric hospital after feeling suicidal. I know, it doesn't sound lighthearted and at it's core there are some big subjects covered but over all it is a beautiful and uplifting story.
There are some very funny moments, you'll laugh. And when the movie is over my spirits were lifted and I was inspired to embrace the life I have and fight to overcome the things that threaten to drag me down.

I would encourage any of you looking for a good movie to end your day to try it out.

I can't help but think how that movie title is so appropriate for so many of our lives. If someone asks me, "How did you end up in Seattle?" I have to start my reply with, "well, it's kinds of a funny story...".

I see God's plans coming to fruition through the wonderful times in my life, and also see him shaping my heart and my life through the trials. My days have not only been full of smiles, but they have held their share of tears too. My life has certainly not turned out the way I would have planned it. I love my life, it's perfect even on days when it is not. But how I got here is still sometimes a mystery. It is so clear to me that my life is a story God is writing. I have decisions to make but truly God is working through me; in and through my decisions he is transforming me, revealing more of himself, and leading me into abundant life.

When I look back of the 'funny story' of my life I can find peace that whatever path we take towards parenthood. We are meeting with an adoption agency tomorrow, with the plan to begin this exciting new adventure as the way we will first add to our family. It's been a decision many years in the making, but we truly believe that this is the step God is asking us to take. We do not know where it will take us, but I am sure one day when we are sitting with our kids and they ask us about how God brought our family together we are going to say, "well, It's kind of a funny story!"

It's exciting to think that our meeting tomorrow may be the prelude to our baby story!

Favourable Conditions

2011-07-31T18:04:00.000-07:00

It's almost been two years since I officially became a Mrs. This also means that it is almost two years since I applied for my green card. When you apply for a green card based on marriage as mine is, the powers that be consider it conditional for two years - as in, if you are still married after 2 years you can apply have the conditions removed and then you can officially be a green card holder, without conditions.

I got a letter in the mail reminding me that the window to apply for the conditions to be removed is coming up and I need to get on it. It feels like it was only yesterday that we were gathering all this information and putting together our original application. But it also feels like a lifetime ago.

Our application should include pictures of trips we have taken together the past two years as well as holidays celebrated together. It's been a sweet trip down memory lane. But I am excited to be done with it and feel like we can relax, or at least shift our focus to something more exciting - like our adoption!

I guess it is just another chapter in our story - does it seem to anyone else like our story includes more paperwork than the average couple? Maybe it's just me.

So I continue to drink my weight in water and slather on the hand lotion in preparation for my fingerprints and hoping that all this paperwork is worth it. It will be I know, but right now with end of quarter papers due, green card stuff needing to be completed and finally my finger print woes it just all felt like a lot of red tape to fight through to get to live life.

I am trying to find truly give these worries and concerns to God and live in the freedom I know is there for the taking if I can just make time to find it. I know that these things are necessary, and I will celebrate when they are completed, I just need a better attitude to get there!

Butterflies

2011-07-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

Nothing better than that Friday feeling. J has been busy with work lately, and we have been having a hard time getting our schedules to give us good time together.
But tonight, is a much needed date night and even though it is only 9am I am super excited for it.

Even though we see each other every day it can be too easy to go days at a time without really having quality time with each other. We have both felt something missing the past couple of weeks and with a busy weekend ahead, it feels so great to know we have this time set aside to reconnect.

I think I will take the opportunity to dress up pretty...the sunshine makes it much easier to want to put on a dress!

It is good to know that as we approach our second anniversary later this summer, I still get butterflies in my tummy thinking about going on a date with my hubs.

Hope you all have fun weekend plans - Seattleites, looks like the sun will be sticking around - Yay!