Dear Nora - Four months old

Princess,

You are getting so big! Growing and changing every day. You are a delight.

You have started drooling like a champ, I have never seen anyone get their shirt wet all the way down to their belly button before but you manage it with ease most days. I think we might start to see some teeth making an appearance soon. You just love when I rub your gums with my finger and your eyes kinda glaze over  as a big smile appears on you face :)

You are desperate to roll! You don't really love tummy time at the moment and you usually spit up when we do it, but when you lay on your back under your playgym you are starting to really want to flip yourself over.

You have started talking so much this month, cooing and gurgling and shouting, its a joy to hear. Even though that too can seem to make you spit up. All those throat muscles don't quite understand what you are making them do.

You and Levi have started really loving on each other too. You smile and talk for him more easily than anyone else. When he is in the room your bright eyes follow his every move and when he snuggles you or kisses you you just smile and coo. It warms my heart to see.

You have grown so much. Weighing in at your appointment yesterday at 14lbs exactly (50%) and in the 90% for height. You are well and truly into size 3-6 months now and even some of them are a bit snug so we have pulled out some 6 month clothes too.

You are still a great sleeper. We have started putting you down to bed between 7 and 8pm but I am thinking we might need to make it earlier. You wake a couple of time at night ti nurse once around 1am and then again at around 4 or 5am before waking around 7am for the day. However, with your brother disturbing your sleep sometimes its more frequent. You are outgrowing your bassinet too and soon we will ahev to transfer you to a pack and play while we figure out a permanent space.

You are still very ticklish and you laugh and laugh, it's so cute and especially when it makes you gurgle. You make yourself laugh a lot when you are on your playmat, kicking your feet and batting at the dangling toys until you find one you can get into your mouth which makes you even more excited.

Love you snuggle bug,

Mama x

Dear Levi - twenty two months old

Sweet Levi Rhys,

Every month you change so much it's hard to keep up!

This month you have been trying to figure out if you want to be a big boy or a baby. For the most part, with your "big boy bed" and your increasing need to be independent you refer to yourself as a "big boy". Its pretty adorable even when it is your remark to let us know you want to do something by yourself; drinking from a glass or cup with no lid, putting on shoes, helping make dinner, riding your bike etc. Other times you still want to be the baby; every time you fall you will lay there saying "mummy pick up Levi" and refusing to get up yourself for accept help from anyone else, or times when you want to be carried. The times when I am holding Nora and I manage to haul you onto my other hip you look at me with the biggest smile and exclaim "two babies!"

I am sure it is confusing to find your place, your whole world changed when your little sister arrived and you have truly done a remarkable job adjusting. You are my big boy and my baby. You can be both.

You still struggle to stay in your bed through the night and most nights you end up in with us. You make yourself quite comfortable I must say, which means your Dad and I don't/ We are strategising to come up with a plan to teach you to stay put but its hard when we know this is a transition that is a big deal for such a young kid such as you are. At the moment we lay with you at nap time and bed time until you fall asleep. You usually still ask us to "rub the back" while we lay and usually we oblige - its a tough life :)

You are so funny, and have a great sense of humor. You are starting to find more and more things that make you laugh without any encouragement from us. The other day we discovered a new episode of Kipper on the On Demand section of our cable TV and it has him riding a bike - see below - so you wanted to watch it and at one point he puts on too much oil and the handle bars pull out and you cracked up laughing. We have watched it since and you laughed at the same part. I am not sure what you find so hilarious but I find your laughter so precious. I love to see your face light up.

You LOVE to ride your little balance bike. Your helmet perched on your head and off you go. Daddy used to hold you but now you tell him you are a big boy and you want to do it without his help. You are starting to steer with the handle bars and even life your feet to cruise a little every now and then. Its been fun to watch you discover this new ability and see how the extra inches you seem to have grown in the past couple of months have given you more ability in this area. Your have such determination when you want to do something and I am so proud of you!

Your emotions still sometimes get the best of you and we have been giving bats and balls time outs as you misuse them. You understand the rules but I can see certain things being too tempting in the moment. Sharing and turn taking continues to be an area you struggle as do all your friends of the same age. Sometimes, especially if its throwing and catching, or kicking a ball back and forward you can be enticed into a game but it can be a challenge.

You have taken to picking me flowers when you are at the park or pass by a patch of grass with daisys and dandilions, I get so many bouquets now! What a lucky mama I am!

Your imagination has just exploded this past month and your role play has become common practice around here. I love how you lift up your shirt and pretend to nurse your lovey, or how you are constantly making us cups of tea and coffee in your stacking cups (someone get this half British kid a tea set, STAT!) I love that you "go shopping" or go to work, taking your tools with you of course :) I am pretty sure that you think that's what Daddy does all day because he says he's 'going to work' when he leaves in the morning and then on the weekends he lets you "work" with him remodelling the bathroom.

You are hard work sweet child of mine but work every minute of it. I love you so much.

Love Mama x

The days of summer

The recent sunny days have been such a spirit lifter. I continue to have many days where I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water juggling the babies and the house and still trying to find time for J and for myself. They are getting fewer and further between which is wonderful but they still come around.

Something about the warmth and light of the sunshine elevates the beauty of where we live to another level, the city comes alive in a new way, and the days just seem to go more smoothly when we can spend time outdoors. Opportunities to meet up with friends at the park or a splash pad or wading pool mean that I feel more able to be out with both kids. Its amazing how different and managable the park feels with 2 or 3 mamas and a gaggle of kiddos rather than just me with my two. Plus, I get to go to the bathroom if I need to when there is another pair of eyes to watch out for my babes.

Our back garden is less than ideal for a little explorer like Levi but with the addition of the wading pool, some new trucks and some of his fleet of ride on bikes and cars and he's usually satisfied to stay put for a while and Nora is quite happy to while away the hours on a blanket in the shade of the fence.

It's the simple times that make me smile the biggest. Recently Nora has decided that Levi is her most favourite person and watches him intently, sparkling a smile if he looks in her direction and cooing ad jabbering to get his attention. He has also decided she is pretty cool. He loves to kiss her and hold her and likes to try to pick her up if she is crying, telling her "come 'ere sweetheart" (we continue to remind him that only mummy and daddy are allowed to do that. He finds her so funny - not to mention how impressed he is with her poopy blowouts, "nasty boogers" and projectile puking "eeeeooooouww, Nora puked on mummy" can be heard often in our house with a tone of gleeful excitement.

I'm looking forward to some more lazy, fun-filled days this summer. And I'm thankful for such a great community of other mummies and cute babies to spend our days with. It's so much friendlier with two - as Pooh says :)

Below - Enjoying some watermelon after some serious bike riding - check out the helmet hair! And Nora and her boyfriend Malachi (and his mummy) flirting in the sunshine. Boy, I love these babies. 

Clearing something up

I wrote a post a few weeks ago called 'The good, the bad and the Ugly'. It was when J was gone for a few days and Levi was trying to transition his first few nights out of the crib. I was beyond sleep deprived and it was not pretty. It was an honest post but apparently someone read it and felt afraid for my kids calling me an abuser and telling me to get help.

I love that this blog is a public space. I have been blessed by some amazing friendships with people who I have met through this blog and through sharing the journey of faith, fertility struggles marriage and parenting. I enjoy this space I appreciate a place to vent and share and learn but the downside is being open to critique from people who do not really know me and make judgement. Its the crux of internet relationships right? You are only allowed to know what is given to you and tone etc can be misjudged or misunderstood - or information can be intentionally misleading.

[I am contemplating making the blog private to allow me to share without fear of judgement. People I know would have a password to read my posts. I go back and forth, guess we will see.]

I just felt as though I needed to clarify some things from that blog because not everyone reads comments. The anonymous commenter accused me of abusing my children because I yelled and because I admitted to swiping at Levi's leg. This behaviour is not something I consider "good parenting" I am not proud of it. I admitted fault to Levi and to my husband on the phone and asked for their forgiveness as I apologised. I may have lost my cool but I never lost control. My children were never in danger.

I have spent the morning with a knot in my belly after her initial comment. I feel so misunderstood, so misrepresented. But then those are my words, those were my actions, they are just a small, small part of who I am as a person and as a parent. I would never condone hitting children (this is not a comment on spanking, different issue not for this time or post) I never condone abusive language or violent yelling or screaming directed at a child. This is not what was happening in our home. I understand that the words I wrote in that post may have misrepresented events of that time but those who do know me or who have followed this blog for a while would be able to read them without concluding abuse.

Thanks for reading.

Parenting through banana bread

It's 8.48pm and I am sitting on the couch with my feet up and having time to actually collect my thoughts. This season of life is so very full of, well, life but within it there seems to be so little time to reflect. I am worried the next couple of years will pass in a blur and I will miss all the lessons I could have learned on the way. In seasons of life such as this where I am stretched beyond myself I usually learn the most about who I am, and also about who God is as he reaches in with grace to make up the difference.

Today was a tough parenting day. Levi has been really acting out; throwing everything he happens to have in his hands at a moment of frustration (unfortunately for those around him who end up at the brunt of his frustration he has great aim and a lot of power behind him). He has also taken to slapping in frustration when corrected. Awesome.

I don't want him to be the kid no one wants to play with.

He is still transitioning to his bed which at this moment in times means naps are shorter as he wakes up after single sleep cycles, and at night he has been waking and disturbed. Sometimes ending up in our bed (see previous post to know how well that turns out!) So all in all, he is sleeping much less and of course this just decreases his ability to keep his emotions in check even more.

He is also still adjusting to Nora as she is more and more present in our day. She has gone from sleeping all the time to being awake and playful, needing more of my attention and taking focus from him. For the most part, he is so sweet with her and even though he is busy around her, any tears come from him giving too much lovin' with no bad intention. I think much of his behaviour is a call for attention. Not really a shocker but heartbreaking to see him act out.

I am not making excuses, his behaviour is unacceptable and he has to understand that. But being consistent in discipline is exhausting and complicated with an infant to care for. I feel as though I have let too much slide recently and given too much grace. I need to step up. Enforce time outs in a much more consistent way. Try to see his heart, and give positive attention as much as possible.

I am also eager to have more time for just the two of us. Because Nora is exclusively breast fed it can be easy for our family to pair off with her and me going one direction and J and Levi going in the other but we need to be more intentional for Levi and I to have adventures together. I am not sure exactly how or when but I am looking to have it be a regular thing.

After I put Nora down for the night and while J put Levi down I had some time to myself in the kitchen. I made kale chips for lunch and snacks tomorrow and also turned the 3 over ripe bananas on the counter into banana bread which is baking as I type. Sometimes the best way for me to process is to be creating something delicious at the same time.

Just having that hour or so to myself, to think, to pray, to reflect, I am feeling more committed to parenting my kiddos well, to loving my hubby and more certain of my need for God's grace. This may not be an easy time in our family but the effort of consistency is so worth it to help my kids develop good character and know they are loved, even in times when they struggle. I feel so blessed to know that my heavenly father is faithfully parenting me in the same way.

There were four in the bed...

Transitioning Levi to a bed after his crib climbing antics has been a tiring process. The toddler bed we borrowed just didn't work out for us. He would constantly roll off it, sometimes waking and other times not but it was easy to tell the lack of bars around the small mattress did not provide the security he wanted or needed to sleep.

So within a week, we went to having him sleep on a regular twin/single bed mattress. For now its on the floor so any rolling off would be less likely to disturb him. I was hoping the extra space on the mattress would hep him feel more secure because he sleeps ok in our bed on our mattress when he can stretch out, I suppose time will tell. [Side note: he looks so little in the twin bed, makes my heart warm to see he still is my little baby even though hes growing up fast]

The first night on the twin mattress he slept through until 5am when he woke up so sad and came in with the rest of us where we all slept until 7ish. Last night was a different story, at around midnight he was inconsolable and ended up in with us. He hasn't been napping quite as long as usual either because of the new bed situation, I assume, so he's generally sleeping less each day which is making him a real joy to parent too (!)

There is something wroong when the newborn in your household is getting the most sleep!

Nora still sleeps in her bassinet which sits on our bed waking just once or twice through the night - she goes down between 7 and 8pm. I think she would go earlier if we were home, we need to start respecting that more, but I confess since Levi started going to bed later and we have been able to go out to dinner or do things in the early evening its been so nice, I have been very resistant to go back to the early, early nights at home but I know we need to.

We are very fortunate to have the space to have a king bed but with the bassinet it can feel a little crowded. Add in the squirmy, stretch out all over and lay sideways almost 2 year old - did I mention he snores?! - and none of us are getting much sleep. Both J and I are nursing sore backs and aching bodies from having slept in the strangest positions to accomodate out=r off spring sleeping in with us.

Yawn.

We are ready for the bed transition to be over and for Levi to return to being an all night sleeper so we can be that too. Or at least J can and I can only have to worry about being up to feed the baby.

You don't realise why parents talk about sleep so much until you become a parent and realise how vital it is to harmonious family life!!

Heading to sleep now and hoping for a good long uninterrupted stretch! Goodnight to you all!

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Jeremy was away on a work trip for the past few days and I have been pretty much solo with the kids. My sweet friend Maggie as given up her evenings to help me with bedtime and has stayed over to be there in an emergency for which I am beyond thankful but for the most part its been on me to make sure these little ones are clean and fed etc. It's been a wild ride and here are some high and low lights.

The Good

When we were ona walk and a guy jogged by without a shirt at which Levi piped up loudly, "Look! Man running nudie!"

The Bad 

He has taken to telling me "no"

The Ugly

His huge meltdowns when he doesn't get his way. Holy Smokes, hello toddlerhood!

The Good

This afternoon when Nora was on the playmat and Levi crawled in next to her and just snuggled as she chatted to him.

The Bad

Levi was frustrated when he was trying to "hold Nora" which involved him pullingat her when she was in her baby seat, and his reaction to me telling him no was so smack her hard on the head at which point she cried so hard it broke my heart.

The Ugly

The way I swiped at Levi's leg to.move him out the way and shouted in anger and the way he looked at me when I sat him hard on the floor and yelled that he was never to do that again.

The Good 

The way Levi started to refer to himself as a "big boy" when he does something I ask of him.

The Bad

Levi's growing up includes his crib climbing and inability or at least refusal to fall asleep alone. Making naps and bedtime long and stressful for everyone.

The Ugly

The way I raised my voice at him trying to get him to stay in the crib and lost my cool when he didn't. The way I haven't made a plan to help him transition to a bed if that is actually what we are doing and the guilt i feel because my lack of planning is having unpleasant consequences for us both.

 The Good

Jeremy comes home tomorrow

No bad or Ugly for that, it's just good news.

And the BEST

God's grace is constant and his mercies are new every morning. He forgives when I ask and hear my prayers when I call out in desperation. He is my ever present help in times of trouble and he renews my mind over and over. He is my Source and my Rock. With His help alone, I can hope to be something of the parent I desire to be.