Right here and right now

This morning Facebook shared with me news of two new babies on the way in families of my friends, adding to the 3 or 4 from last week - babies being adopted as well as growing in mummies tummies - families excitedly anticipating new little ones.

I am happy. I am excited for them. Truly. But I am noticing that as Levi gets bigger and we wonder more and more about the future of our own family, I am feeling those familiar feelings of anxiety and fear about what lies ahead for us.

It's brought me to my knees. God, please give me contentment in this beautiful life I am living and flood my heart with peace about the future. Please.

Our c-section delivery comes with an advisory to wait at least 9 months before getting pregnant again. When they first told us this I didn't think it would be an issue at all but it is amazing how fast our little guy is growing and how much my heart is desiring to have another little one. I can totally see that without the 9 month 'forced' wait we might have been having a conversation about us trying again by this time.

Its funny how even though we had a baby, the reality of our fertility struggles and our losses are still prominent in my thoughts. The grief of our losses can hit in a wave sometimes out of nowhere and it's followed by the aftershock of fear about all we may have to endure and all the decisions that lay ahead about our future journeys to parenthood and all they may include. 

I have always dreamed about having a big family and while I love Levi with all I am, I still find myself wishing that we knew how life was going to turn out in terms of how many little ones we will raise and how we will get them.

We don't know if or when we will choose to try again and in the meantime I am prayerful and trying to remember to hold my plans loosely, trusting that God's plans are best for all of us. We have seen this before, and cannot help to be reminded of it with every sweet smile and crazy laugh that our little man gives us. He is truly our joy and he can to us perfectly, in God's perfect time and of course we wouldn't trade him for the world

 We know God's promises to be true but sometimes doubt and fear can steal our contentment. Today I am reminded that I have to be intentional to choose hope and trust because the enemy would love to us my friends' happy news to make me feel anxious. But this isn't our first time at the rodeo - we can see past the fear to the beauty of staying faithful and walking closely with our Heavenly Father to the life He designs for us. Our story is our story, our struggles are what have and continue to shape us, it's all a part of our journey. We have more chapters being written by someone who loves us and turns all things to work together for our good. We don't know what lies ahead but we trust it's good.

"For the mountains may depart and the hills disappear, but even then I will remain loyal to you. My covenant of blessing will never be broken", says the Lord who has mercy on you. Isaiah 54:10