In the early hours of Monday morning when I was nursing Nora is a slightly strange position I tweaked my back; a pinched nerve or something that made my back spasm and my arm and hard get pins and needles. I managed to rouse J without waking up Levi who was between us, and he was able to get me into a position to feed Nora before she was too desperate and noisy - she is sooo easy going! However, the following hours were painful and it was clear I was not going to be able to lift the kids so taking care of them on my own was not possible. My fabulous in-laws were able to come and save the day by hanging out with the kids and I until J got home from work so that I could rest and didn't have to lift the babies. It meant I had a slower day than usual and I had time to take a step back and ponder life.
And I realised how far we have come. How far I have come.
The insanity of two babies in 18 months is still a daily reality for our family but the fog has well and truly lifted. The good days far outweigh the rough ones now. I take the kids by myself to the playground, the spray park and to playdates with barely a second thought. I feel confident in my ability to meet the needs of both of my children and trust that my instincts will give me what I need to be a good mum.
I am incredibly blessed to have such a strong community of friends who continue to rally around me and hold Nora or watch Levi while we are together so I don't feel so frazzled. I am learning again and again that it's ok to ask for help and to accept it when it's offered. I see when I am lacking and how beautifully and graciously these women step in, often without a word, just when my anxiety is rising. [Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you are reading this and you know I am talking about you]
I want to remember so many of the details of life night now; I want to stop the clock and just bottle it;
How Levi's favourite foods right now are cucumber and pickled beets and he can't get enough of them.
How Nora grabs at my shirt with one hand and strokes my back with the other as she nurses.
How Levi always declares, "Mummy's pretty" if I put on a dress. Including my night dress.
How Nora was obsessed with swiping at and grabbing our name tag stickers in church but how shocked and disgusted she was when they got stuck to her hands!
How Levi mixed up some of the things we had been talking about through the day to say with confidence, "Salt and Pepper make purple" (Colour mixing and pairs that go together)
Those are just to name a few.
I live a beautiful and messy life. My kids are beautiful and my house is messy - see what I did there?! ha ha! Seriously, I am learning. I am a work in progress.
As our Pastor talked about on Sunday, I need to fight against the resistance in my life to get from the place I am to get to the place I want to be. I have a renewed sense of purpose. A goal to reach. Multiple goals actually; a husband to love and make time for, 2 babies to love and care for daily, relationships to invest in and 20lbs to lose. But busyness and fear are the things allowing me to resist the changes I need to make these the priorities I desire them to be.
Seeing this with new eyes gives me hope for change. Hope that these days are just the continuation of the beauty of life unfolding.
I feel so blessed. Life is good.