Friday, May 27, 2016

2 weeks (and a few days!)

If I thought finding time to blog with two littles was a challenge, with three I am anticipating it will be really tough but at the same time I desperately want to record this season of life. I already see God's hand threading themes of grace in my heart and I trust that even in this totally overwhelming moment of life I am learning and growing in ways I may not fully see for a long time.

Our sweet baby girl was born via scheduled c section as planned and we have been falling in love with her more and more every day of the last 2 weeks. It's already hard to remember a time without her.

L & N have been doing a fabulous job adjusting, but certainly have been needing more mummy time than before and acting out in other ways to get attention when they are not feeling seen, or are feeling insecure or one of the other million other things their little hearts must be feeling. I am trying to have patience and extend more grace to them even through the sleep deprivation and sore nipples of the first weeks of new babying. I am so grateful for family and friends supporting us in practical ways and praying for all of us in this time of transition.

My parents have been here since a few days before Hazel was born and are here another few weeks before they abandon me and leave me to parent my own children ALL. BY. MYSELF (!) They have been beyond helpful and my easy recovery from surgery is certainly in huge part thanks to them and the gift they gave me to be able to really rest and take it easy for these first couple of weeks by taking care of the kids and also taking on the preschool run for Levi, Nora's music class as well as keeping the house running; cooking, shopping, laundry etc. I am not sure what I would have done without them but I don't expect I would have had the sweet times I have had to get to know our precious new baby (without guilt) because I would have been stressing about making sure there were clean clothes and food in the fridge. I am forever thankful.

Not to mention,

I find myself in tears thinking about the days when they leave. L will be done with preschool for the year so I won't have to figure out getting all of us up and out of the house on time until the fall but it could also mean long days and weeks of no schedule to get us doing anything out of the house. I know I need to get playdates on the calendar, regular ones when possible. I'm also trying to figure out the finances to see if we can get some help a couple of times a week, a baby sitter to help out and give me a break or take the older kids out, or even just a mother's helper to be able to come with me to the beach or the park with the kids so I can feel more confident about being out and about with all three kiddos. It just feels like too much.

So in this time, early days with three, I am eager to live in the moment. Embrace the newness and beauty of our precious Hazel, dig deep into myself to find the energy to parent L&N well and wisely and compassionately as they transition and not wish away the craziness. Soon Hazel will be sleeping more and be in more of a routine - routine is how I function and has worked well for the first two so I hope we will see it do the same for Miss H - The older kids will also get older, and life will eventually fall into a new normal. Until then each of our kiddos will come upon new milestones, conquer more feats of daring, overcome challenges and learn new things about themselves and the world. I refuse to miss those things. I will not let fear or anxiety about how I am coping steal the space to notice and be present in those moments.

So for tonight, as I see my big boy really needing some focused, individual mummy attention I am eager to take an opportunity to have an ice cream date or something with him over the long weekend. I'm going to cherish nursing my baby to sleep knowing she will be the last, and I as I plan to paint Nora's nails because since I had mine done she has been so eager to talk all about it, I breathe in and breathe out.

This is how I will survive.

Breathing in and out. Letting go of my ideas of what life should look like, and embracing what is. letting go of my comparison and being fully who I am as a wife and a mother and standing in a giant pool of grace as I do.

Repeating over and over, "I am enough"

Because I am. In Christ. I am enough to parent these three precious babes. Thank the Lord!

Two weeks (and a few days) in and many, many more to go!

Sunday, May 8, 2016

On the eve of three

I just settled Levi to sleep for the last time before baby sister #2 arrives in our lives. It was a bitter sweet moment as I realised just how big he is. No longer my baby at all.

I can't get up in his loft bed to read books with my giant belly so I sat on the floor and he sat with me in what's left of my lap. He pulled over a blanket, "Mummy, I brought this over for us to share". Melt my heart sweet boy, when did you become so grown up?!

The story you selected is a favourite of yours, it's a tad gross, but quite funny at the same time. It's about a little mole who gets pooped on when he sticks his head out of his mole hill, and then his search to find out who did it. At the end you turned to me with a very serious look on your face and said, "You know what Mummy? If someone ever pooped on your head, I would help you find out who it was." Nice to feel you are already protecting your mother, I'll take it :)

Then your little face just lit up as we talked a little more about the details of the days ahead. You are just so excited to meet your baby sister. I know you will make a great big brother again this time around. I am sure we will have some bumps in the road, but you have a good heart and a caring nature and I think being the age you are will give you the opportunity to really shine in your big brother role.

Jeremy put Nora to bed tonight. I think she only threw one or two (serious) tantrums during that process. She has been having a really hard time with life in the past few days. So much emotion, so many tantrums and tears, so much of a struggle to just hear "no" or not have things go the way she thinks they should. I am not sure if the timing is just coincidence or it's her little way of processing the changes she knows are coming but really are too much for her little self to comprehend. She is challenging my patience and yet, breaking my heart at the same time. I want her to know she is loved and safe and that none of that is going to change. The next few days with me and Jeremy being gone will likely be hardest on her sweet spirit, but with all her grandparents around I hope she can have lots of fun too.

I keep looking around the house as if I am never returning, trying to drink in exactly how everything looks because it does truly feel like when we come home everything will be different.

Jeremy keeps asking me what we still need to cross off the list to be ready for tomorrow. I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening because the reality is scary. The reality of my surgery, and even more the reality of having a third little one to care for when I only have two arms!

There are piles of half finished tasks all over the house where I have tried and failed to get a project done and the layers of dust and such in our house are something I never anticipated I would let evolve but over time cleaning has fallen to the back of my mind and certainly my priorities and I fear my house will never be clean the way I like it ever again.

I can feel my anxiety build and am hopeful that I can get a good nights rest so that I can sleep off some of it. Also because I cant eat or drink after midnight and I know I am going to be so very uncomfortable complying with that rule.

I don't know when this became my life. When did we go from not knowing if we would ever have biological babies, to being pregnant with our third? This pregnancy felt like it lasted forever and also went by in a heartbeat. I cannot believe we are 39 weeks tomorrow. The end of the road, the final gig of the farewell pregnancy tour, seriously, this is my life?!

It is appropriate that it's mother's day today in the U.S. I have had time to contemplate the gift and blessing that my children are to me, and be reminded that this life is something generously bestowed on me. I do not take this responsibility lightly. I know that my tired heart sometimes needs to be encouraged to be more thankful for even the more trying aspects of motherhood, because it IS such a beautiful and precious gift.

Tonight I go to sleep for the last time as a mother to two. Tomorrow is the start of a new season for our family. I am excited and terrified in equal measure but so thankful to my husband, and family as well as a strong community of friends who we have to support us, help us, and especially believe in us, as we adjust.

Ok baby girl, just a few more hours and we're coming for you!!


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