Friday, May 27, 2016

2 weeks (and a few days!)

If I thought finding time to blog with two littles was a challenge, with three I am anticipating it will be really tough but at the same time I desperately want to record this season of life. I already see God's hand threading themes of grace in my heart and I trust that even in this totally overwhelming moment of life I am learning and growing in ways I may not fully see for a long time.

Our sweet baby girl was born via scheduled c section as planned and we have been falling in love with her more and more every day of the last 2 weeks. It's already hard to remember a time without her.

L & N have been doing a fabulous job adjusting, but certainly have been needing more mummy time than before and acting out in other ways to get attention when they are not feeling seen, or are feeling insecure or one of the other million other things their little hearts must be feeling. I am trying to have patience and extend more grace to them even through the sleep deprivation and sore nipples of the first weeks of new babying. I am so grateful for family and friends supporting us in practical ways and praying for all of us in this time of transition.

My parents have been here since a few days before Hazel was born and are here another few weeks before they abandon me and leave me to parent my own children ALL. BY. MYSELF (!) They have been beyond helpful and my easy recovery from surgery is certainly in huge part thanks to them and the gift they gave me to be able to really rest and take it easy for these first couple of weeks by taking care of the kids and also taking on the preschool run for Levi, Nora's music class as well as keeping the house running; cooking, shopping, laundry etc. I am not sure what I would have done without them but I don't expect I would have had the sweet times I have had to get to know our precious new baby (without guilt) because I would have been stressing about making sure there were clean clothes and food in the fridge. I am forever thankful.

Not to mention,

I find myself in tears thinking about the days when they leave. L will be done with preschool for the year so I won't have to figure out getting all of us up and out of the house on time until the fall but it could also mean long days and weeks of no schedule to get us doing anything out of the house. I know I need to get playdates on the calendar, regular ones when possible. I'm also trying to figure out the finances to see if we can get some help a couple of times a week, a baby sitter to help out and give me a break or take the older kids out, or even just a mother's helper to be able to come with me to the beach or the park with the kids so I can feel more confident about being out and about with all three kiddos. It just feels like too much.

So in this time, early days with three, I am eager to live in the moment. Embrace the newness and beauty of our precious Hazel, dig deep into myself to find the energy to parent L&N well and wisely and compassionately as they transition and not wish away the craziness. Soon Hazel will be sleeping more and be in more of a routine - routine is how I function and has worked well for the first two so I hope we will see it do the same for Miss H - The older kids will also get older, and life will eventually fall into a new normal. Until then each of our kiddos will come upon new milestones, conquer more feats of daring, overcome challenges and learn new things about themselves and the world. I refuse to miss those things. I will not let fear or anxiety about how I am coping steal the space to notice and be present in those moments.

So for tonight, as I see my big boy really needing some focused, individual mummy attention I am eager to take an opportunity to have an ice cream date or something with him over the long weekend. I'm going to cherish nursing my baby to sleep knowing she will be the last, and I as I plan to paint Nora's nails because since I had mine done she has been so eager to talk all about it, I breathe in and breathe out.

This is how I will survive.

Breathing in and out. Letting go of my ideas of what life should look like, and embracing what is. letting go of my comparison and being fully who I am as a wife and a mother and standing in a giant pool of grace as I do.

Repeating over and over, "I am enough"

Because I am. In Christ. I am enough to parent these three precious babes. Thank the Lord!

Two weeks (and a few days) in and many, many more to go!

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