Monday, August 26, 2013

Looking back - and forward...

I spent a long time last night reading through my posts from this time last year. It was so special to be able to read about how those first days, weeks and months really were. The fuzzy feelings are easy to recall but the tough times while easier to forget are just as important to remember, especially as I support friends in those early days. It was also really special to read some of the details about Levi that I had forgotten.

I realised how much I want to get back into regular blogging not just because it is good for my soul to process life this way, but also because it helps me see clearly the way God is working in my life. In those early days I read about the way God answered my prayers; longer stretches of sleep at night was a certain one :) I also read about the ways our friends and community were the hand and feet of Jesus when we needed extras! I would love to be able to have posts about this season to look back on.

Days are busy. They start early.
By the time you go down for your first nap at around 9am I am exhausted. There is always a list of chores that I plan to get done but I usually spend the time on the couch. It's been a tough first trimester. Baby number 2 is using up any reserves I have from caring for Levi. The exhaustion has been much harder to deal with than the morning sickness which thankfully spared me its wrath this time around and only sent its backup players.

Levi is still taking 4 bottles a day and I have slacked on transitioning him to cow's milk but I am hoping that today's the day. My plan is to warm 2oz of cows milk to room temp and offer it in the bottle. If he takes it, great. If he doesn't I will mix it in with 6oz of formula and see if he will take the concoction. Once we have moved to the new milk we can tackle the bottle issue and work on weaning him to a cup.

My belly is continuing to grow at what is for me a startling rate. I am getting worried about the weight gain of this pregnancy as I am already squeezing into maternity clothes from last time, especially pants. My rear will certainly take some work to reduce after February!

I am starting to get more and more excited about this new baby however, the shock has worn off, the nerves have subsided to a dull roar and I actually have real hope that this is our next 'hold in your arms' baby. Reading through my blog reminded me how awe inspiring those early moments are days are. How precious of a journey it is to get to know your baby more and more each day, to discover their likes and dislikes, figuring out how they like to be rocked or soothed and generally just leanring who they are. Those are the experiences that draw you in to want to have more babies :)

I just made a good dinner, a quinoa dish that it really tasty and provided some good nutrition for me and the bubs. Makes me feel good. Levi is pretty much eating what we do these days. So he has left over quinoa, broccoli for dinner tomorrow. I think he'll like it, it's got a little zesty kick which seems to go over well with him. I feel like a good mum today.

Friday, August 23, 2013

4 years and Levi's first overnight

Feeling rested and glad to be home but its been a lovely couple of days. It was our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday so we planned an overnight trip to Vancouver, BC to celebrate. The bigger deal about this particular trip was that it was the first time we were leaving Levi somewhere overnight. Grandma and Grandpa were more than eager to help us and we felt very relaxed knowing he was in such capable and loving hands but it was still so strange to leave him.

Out time away was refreshing to say the least. The time in the car provided an opportunity to talk without having to pass snacks to the backseat or cajole a little man that we were almost to our destination. It gave us the freedom to eat when and where we wanted. We found a fab, kinda fancy Italian place for dinner last night which we enjoyed at a leisurely pace, taking time to enjoy each course and one another through the evening. It's amazing how all consuming little ones can be. And while we love our boy fiercely, this time just us was very needed. It was good to remember who we were together before we were mum and dad.

We remembered to hold hands because they were not full of a little man, or some of his essentials. We stopped to enjoy the view. Stopped to get coffee just because we had time to spare. We sat and read books in the sunshone and walked along the water eating gelato. It was a sweet, simple and wonderful couple of days.

And then we came home, and I cannot begin to explain the anxiety I felt to be reunited with the baby once we have started home. My mama's heart missed him like crazy, oh to wrap that boy in my arms. The Seattle traffic delayed us slightly and I had no patience for that at all. When Levi saw us we got a suitably big grin and hugs and kisses (even Eskimo kisses, which are something usually reserved for daddy) It was a sweet reunion.

And now we are home. Seahawks won against the Packers, all is well in the world, and we are settling in for a quiet night. Levi is finally settled to sleep. I think the changes in crib location as well as the excitement of the day made it tricky to get to sleep but he's out now and I hope he will be down for the night. He slept through for Gma and Gpa which was such a relief.

Marriage is a journey. It is something to invest in. A strong marriage is the greatest gift we can give our children. Its too easy to just be parents and forget about being spouses, lt alone people outside that. I think this time was also a reminder to us that we need to cultivate our marriage and our individual passions in a more intentional way so that we model full lives to Levi and offer something of substance to one another.

These days away also offered an opportunity to take a pic of my ever growing belly. Its crazy for just (almost) 14 weeks but it is what it is. Hoping the growth from here will be less aggressive :) The first picture is at Stanley Park and th second is on the balcony of our hotel room high up in the Vancouver skyline.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Overdue (overwhelmed?)

This post seems overdue. In most spheres of my life, this is old news but for some reason I have been having writers block to share it on here. I think a big reason is that my head is taking a long time to catch up with my body.

Truth is - I'm pregnant again.

Here is Levi with our announcement. It was cute but it still didn't feel real.

I have a few posts saved in my draft file that I wrote early on in this pregnancy, similar to with Levi, only his were full of feeling and they still bring up the feelings I was experiencing as God did this miracle in my body and grew our little man. The writings from this pregnancy are flat. The mirror how I was/am feeling once again only this time its much different. I want to be excited but everything happened so fast I don't think my head believes it even though my swollen belly is trying to remind me at every turn.

I always said I wanted babies 18 months apart. But with our fertility issues it felt like something out of my control enough that I put it out of my head as a possibility. And now it is (God willing) the reality for us. Our babies will be 18 month apart.

Suddenly, I am not sure what to think. I am overwhelmed with the responsibility that is about to hit my days. The busyness that will envelop my every moment and the sleep that will be even less present in my days/nights.

I am grieving the lack of just Levi time I will experience, e18 months just isn't enough time before we welcome another little one. He is growing and changing so much every day and I don;t want to miss anything!

The nausea was limited with this pregnancy but the painful exhaustion is still very much present. We are almost 13 weeks and I am hopeful and prayerful that the second trimester will give me some sort of a break from the weight of the tired feeling. I am carrying a heavy burden of guilt about the crappy mothering job I have been doing hte past few weeks with Levi. Its his first summer, he should be out at the park and the pool and instead he has been amusing himself a lot while I lay on the couch with teh TV keeping us both company because I have zero energy or motivation for anything else. This is of course the glass half empty version as I write it. We have spent a good deal of time being out and playing, making the most of our zoo membership as well as the local playground but I have let my social calendar slip because it takes more effort than I can spare to make plans. Yawn.

My 8.30pm bedtimes have done little to ease it.

I feel conflicted. Wanting to be the best mum to Levi and to this new bubba. It feels impossible.

I have also been eating a crap diet which doesn't help in the giving me energy and feeling bright and well but this week I have been making descent meals at dinner time and Levi and I have been eating the same things fro lunches so I have been eating much better generally but that guilt cloud of "your baby is being formed on frozen pizza and french fries" is a heavy one.

I am buying lots of salad for this week. Fruit and veggies. This week the baby will be growing on cucumber and peaches :) Guilt free baby building.

So that's our news. Its out there in blogland.

Please don;t hear me being ungrateful. We are beyond thankful to God for this blessing, We were anticipating a much longer story; a much different journey. This took us by surprise in the most amazing way. Our God is so good. We get the results of our NT test/scan in a week or so and after that (assuming all is well) I hope I can start to shift gears and believe that this is truly happening. It all felt too simple, too easy and made me certain something would have to mark it to stop it feeling so "perfect". I have been waiting for some thing to go wrong. I know that is not how our God works. I know this is the enemy stealing the joy from this moment and each day I am fighting my own thoughts about it. Fighting to know God's peace and joy for this new life. Fighting to hear his voice,; his plans and purposes for me and for our family in this season.

So thankful to serve such a loving father God. Who puts up with me always. And so thankful for our second miracle, due in February 2014.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Happy First Birthday Baby Boy!!

Dear Levi,
Happy, happy, birthday!! Daddy and I love you so, so much and continue to be in awe that we have been blessed with you!

Your sense of humor continues to make us smile. You always find things to make you laugh and we love the joy for life you have.

You are a sponge, soaking up everything the world has to offer. You re eager to learn and explore the world around you. You are always opening cupboards and finding new things inside - the other day I found a cheese grater in the middle of living room from one of your adventures!

You have become a total bookwork this last month and are always bringing us books to read to you. You have your favourites, like "Daddy and Me and "Daddy Hugs" but honestly, your favourites change weekly if not more frequently. At nap time and bedtime we read you a few books in the rocker to settle you and its one of my favourite times of the day. You snuggle in and I just want to freeze time. You are growing up so fast, baby boy.

You have learned to point out your hair and your ears and enjoy giving a high-five to acknowledge your accomplishments :) You have become a little obsessed with finding my belly button and "beeping" it. You also cannot pass a bare foot without tickling it and laughing.

Your cute little firetruck noise make me smile. I think it is my poor example that you are mimicking so I apologise because its a pitiful noise! ha ha!

You are learning many new skills. You have mastered coming down stairs backwards and getting off the couch or the bed that way too. You are fearless to slide off now and so cute as you look at us, smiling when you slide over the edge.

You had a fun time at your party. We had it in Grandma and Grandpa Blocher's back yard and lots of your favourite people stopped by to celebrate you. You had lots of rides in the wagon and loved splashing with your friends in the kiddie pool. You also really enjoyed your birthday cupcake, I had to clean frosting out of your ear and hair when you were done!

You were and are an answer to prayer and an example of God's goodness in our lives.

Happy Birthday Levi Rhys we love you x


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