Wednesday, October 28, 2009

It all comes down to faith...

Since I got married, I am learning every day that I am more selfish than I realised, more controlled than I like and more self-sufficient than I would believe. In our marriage I am seeing a reflection of myself that needs some transformation. So how have I been handling this revelation? That's right, I fixate on Jeremy's areas of weakness and spend my time trying to help/encourage/nag him to change.

I see these flaws in myself and how they are a result of the story of my life. I am scared at the transformation needed to be the person I want to be. I think, "tomorrow I will start to work on it", and so the overwhelming procrastination continues. Of course when tomorrow arrives, I have no more discipline or self control than today. It is no easier to change then, why would it be? I am not sure what I am expecting but somehow promising myself that tomorrow I will suddenly muster the the strength to break patterns of behaviour, take away those emotional crutches and be the person I hear God calling me to be soothes my spirit enough until the conviction passes.

It feel much easier to "support" Jeremy in his transformation than face the discomfort and challenge of my own. How righteous of me...erm? not.

Its time for a change. It is almost 9pm and I am starting to move my timeline already. Earlier today, (as I do most days) I said to myself, "tomorrow I will work out, I will read my Bible, I will turn off the television, I will make good food choices, I will be kinder, more generous, less judgemental, I will gossip less, encourage more and generally be the person I know (with Gods strength) I can be. However, now tomorrow seems pretty close and I am thinking that starting after the weekend will be a better goal.

I know making these changes will be uncomfortable and will make me face my demons in a way that I don't want to. I see that while the truth, written in brackets in paragraph above, that it is in God's strength alone I can be what he is calling me to be. I am not asking Him because I am afraid of what life will be like if I do. It might require more of me than I am able to give to give and I am clearly not trusting God to give we the rest of what I need. I am trying to be these things in my own strength to remain in control of my life.

It seems noble, to go after being the person God is calling me to be, but I am only wanting it on my terms - that's so far from noble its just plain knobbly!

How much do I really want to accept His invitation to be the person he has in mind, and how much do I want to hide behind my own procrastination and sit in this land of in between? It's not even that comfortable here anymore because every day I just feel like I am a failure - score one for the enemy because it is really a question of my faith.

Do I really believe that the life God is calling me to will fulfill me? Do I believe he will sustain me, and help me overcome temptation if I am only willing to ask? Do I have the faith to let go of my own agenda and plans and let God work though me? I have to step out in faith to see Gods plans unfold. Like when in the Torah, when God first set the principles in place to help alleviate poverty including crop rotation and gleanings. The people didn't understand the way the soil needed to regenerate, and their very lives were depending on their farming. They had to step out in faith, put into practice the things God was asking of them and just let his plans and purposes be. Tr using Him and believing in His love for us. To help us in making the invisible God visible in and through our lives.

I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief Mark 9:24

Monday, October 19, 2009

"Enjoy every day. Even the rainy ones."

That was written on a memorial plate by a public bench I was sitting on. It was a misty day looking out over the water and I thought what a beautiful reminder that sentiment was to make me stop and consider all the wonderful things about my day.

This morning I had to go and have a cleaning at the dentist. The dentist's office is in a glass fronted building over looking the Puget sound, so while I was mouth open I could look out and enjoy the view.

Sipping away on a pumpkin spice latte to ward off the chill in the air.

Coming home to a house that I love. Making it my own with paint and love, and 5.30pm when Jeremy and I realise again how wonderful it is to have someone to come home to!

Left over Chinese food for lunch which bring back memories of a fun evening spent with family.

New boots to keep my feet cosy.

Making our grocery list for the week. There are so many soup recipes I want to try! I am loving the autumn fruit and vegetables. So colourful and so tasty.

What a wonderful day!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


It was a slow day today, I didn't feel great. When Jeremy got home from work he made us dinner and then ran me a bath, put a towel as a pillow for my head and lit candles. While I soaked away the day, I could hear him banging and drilling as he pulled up carpet on the stairs preparing for our imminent install.

I could never have orchestrated my life to be what I am living today. As I sit next to my husband, watching him enjoy 'Shark Tank'on TV, I feel so blessed. This man is such a gift to me. I get more and more excited about the life God has given us.

Each day I am more amazed at the man God put in my life. I see new facets of him every day and continue to be amazed at the way God knew exactly what I needed in a partner - so much more than I did.

Many of the details of my life are up in the air at the moment, school, job, etc but how can I not trust the God that has brought me this far to take me to somewhere good? I know that His plans for me are to give me a future and a hope.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Let's get 'er done

House stuff. We have been slowly but steadily working on some home improvements and this week we have decided to really try and make some headway - I say we decided but it probably has something to do with Home Depot only being willing to store our new carpet for a limited amount of time before they want to install it.

We have what feels like miles of baseboard to paint so that is the big project for today, making some headway there.

I can't wait to have our house back.

I am recognising more and more how clutter around me is reflected in my ability to think clearly. For my our peace of mindand by extension, Jeremy's I am ready to get this project finished.

With the holiday season fast approaching I am ready to have a home we can invite people to without fear that they will injure themselves!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Delight yourself in the Lord

This summer I was a bride and tomorrow, for the first time I have the honor of being a bridesmaid in my close friend Lindsey's wedding. I am very aware of the nervous anticipation welling inside of me and so I am silently praying that Lindsey's heart is at peace tonight! With all the wedding prep this week I have be remembering all the pre-wedding excitement, nerves, to-do lists and unknowns of our wedding. As wonderful as our day turned out to be, I was happy to see it end and to start the rest of our lives. I am also hit with the reality that that the days leading up to our wedding are times that you can't replicate. As Jeremy and I worked through the final details of the wedding, as our friends and family came into town to be a part of the celebration it was the beginning of our lives truly beginning to blend. They were days filled with eternal possibility and unlimited hope.

Before walking through these days I had no idea how special they would turn out to be. As I watch Lindsey and Rob embrace the joy and anticipation of these final hours of singledom I had begun to feel sad that they were in the past for Jeremy and I. The sadness is still there in a small way, but there is a smile on my face as those feelings come flooding back with my memories. I am now thinking ahead to the future and how many more special times like that God will surprise us with. I am starting to recognise a little bubble in my heart which is full of that hope and wonder. Our wedding was such a dream come true, it inflated my heart to a place where it had never felt so wonderfully full. As life has moved into every day, an air pocket remains. Hope, joy and hidden dreams linger, ready to be awakened and realised.

For a long time my single status was a real barrier in my relationship with the Lord. I had cried so many tears, pounded my fists, pleaded and screamed. I met Jeremy just three weeks after a really painful prayer time where, kneeling on the floor with my face tear stained, I looked up and cried out, "Will anyone ever love me enough, will I ever get my diamond?"! As hard as it was to wait to meet Jeremy, I knew in my heart that God was calling me to a season of patience, trust and preparation. As much as the truth was hard to bare, I wasn't ready to be a wife before. This deep sense of purpose in my single life made the hard days easier to bear, and made them much fewer and farther between than when I was focusing so much of my energy on manipulating life to get me into a relationship!

As soon as Jeremy came on the scene, I had a deep and true sense of God's hand at work, and when just a few weeks into our dating relationship we began talking about marriage I had a true sense of peace and purpose about us. I never imagined I would be someone who would have been so sure so fast, let alone someone who would be married less than 10 months after I began a relationship. That was God's timing at work. And it was perfect, and a surprise blessing. Way bigger and far beyond what I could have planned for myself.

It is thrilling to walk into the future not knowing what other blessings God has in store. It is still a process to fully let go of my plans and my timing, but I am trying. I believe with my whole being that God gives us the desires of our heart. We just need to be open to looking inside ourselves and with humility see that perhaps we are not yet ready to go where we want. I didn't know even a small piece of the joy the events of our wedding would bring. I could never have made it happen and I trust that there are many more wonderful surprises to come. Our creator moulded our hearts, he knows us more deeply than we will ever know ourselves and he delights in giving us good things.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

To know and be known

The learning curve for Jeremy and I as newly weds is a huge one, as I am sure it is with all newly blissed couples! Life feels like a roller coaster. It includes the anticipation of what's to come, the excitement and thrill of the ride and a little fear and discomfort of the unknown thrown in for good measure.

Last night, Jeremy and I had a date night. We got in our PJ's, ate pizza, watched a movie, and drank a few beers. We have already seen how easy it could be to have a week pass by without us spending quality time together. As well as the joking and laughing, our date nights always seem to include some deep conversation. Making time to enjoy one another and be still together, sets the scene for asking real questions and having the time to listen to the answers. Whether these conversations end with hugs, laughter or tears I have to battle the feeling of being exposed and vulnerable and make a choice to embrace the joy of deepening real intimacy with my husband, and he has to do the same.

Real intimacy is something that society as a whole resists. We live in a world where we feel like we know the personalities from 'reality' TV shows better than we know our neighbours. We collect 'friends' on facebook, and find a few seconds to poke them or spend a few minutes looking through their online photo album and that fills some need for connection, at least for that moment.

With the internet, TV and movies we are fed images and characters depicting the 'norms' of life. We are no longer shocked by extra marital affairs, in fact our TV dramas write so poetically we are sometimes drawn in to stories and are pulling for a character to leave his or her husband to be with this new love?!
I am not sure at which point life reflects art and when it is the other way around.

I feel so blessed to be a part of a church community which although flawed as we all are, seems to have at it's core a message of intimacy. An invitation to true community and teaching that supports these values. I am so encouraged to have friends who desire true intimacy and community in the way I do and I truly believe that my marriage will be better because Jeremy and I have a place to share our lives, and an opportunity to share in the lives of others.

True intimacy is uncomfortable but we are designed for it. The reasons people turn to so many other vices is to fill that void, a gaping hole where intimate relationship should be. With the Lord and with others.

I am starting to see that our real conversation is bringing Jeremy and I closer together. As foreign as intimacy feels at first, we are choosing to be honest and transparent in our conversation. We are not looking for an easy way out. In voicing our hopes, our fears, our sadness and our joy we are inviting the other to really know our true selves. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Our intimacy will continue to build, as we continue to be intentional to make that a priority. We must make time to have fun together, to laugh together and to really listen to one another. When we open up to another person we give them an opportunity to love us in the best way possible, but at the same time we open ourselves to a hurt that will take our breath away. You can't have one without the other, these fruit grow on the same tree, the tree of intimacy.

Lord, give us all opportunities to grow in intimacy. Give us courage to say yes to the invitations you give us, and grant us grace to walk this path of intimacy with each other. Help us to look to you for the example of true love, and to offer our lives and hearts to you fully.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


In my humble opinion there is nothing more wonderful than the change of season from summer to fall. The colours turning from the bright greens to the vibrant reds, oranges and yellows. The chill in the air, calling us to hunt to the back of the closet and pull out cozy sweaters.

This change is another reminder of God's design. Seasons. Each of us has a favourite season, and probably a least favourite one too and perhaps we love or dread the same season because we have a different response to something it holds. In the winter when the snow falls my spirit just soars but I know that for many people this freezing white powder is something to dread, it is cold and isolating.

In seasons of life the same thing happens. In seasons of change some people thrive and others flounder. Generally speaking I would say I fall into the latter catagory. This autumn is truly a new season for me and one full of changes. I moved from being single to married, from working with YWAM to somthing else? I have many things to adjust to. Part of this adjusting has been easy and good. I have someone to share my day with, to hold my hand and to take care of me when I am sick, but there are other components to this change that are harder. My life is shared, I am faced with the ugliness of my own selfishness as I struggle with no longer having sole control of my time, my money or the remote control!

As I type this, I am babysitting for my friends Tim and Sarah. Their daughter Lucy is almost 5 months old and is currently napping. I have known Tim and Sarah for a while and watched them go from being single to married and more recently watched them enter their season of parenthood. As for Lucy, she is growing and changing every day. As little as she is, she has already gone through many seasons. From laying on her back kicking her legs, to rolling, and soon she'll be fully mobile! She moved from needing to be rocked to sleep to now being able to sooth herself.

Life is a series of seasons. Some of them pleasant, some frustrating, others painful and every once in a while we get a glimpse of heaven in a season full of joy, peace and love.

Lord, grant me the stength and integrity to face this new season. To recognise sin in my heart and seek forgiveness and to be transormed by your spirit. Help me embrace the opportunities of this new season with joy and continue to be thankful for all the blessings in my life.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hot water and idols

I am pleased to report that Jeremy and his Dad successfully installed the new hot water heater and now we have hot water and lots of it, Jeremy is especially pleased with the new addition!

Today I spent time visiting with one of our former YWAM students, Anna. She is in town for a few days from Texas. Over coffee and plum crisp (thank you Heather) we caught up one some of the main events from the past couple of years. It was a blessing to have time to stop and revisit some of the wonderful things that have happened, and healing to look back on some of the struggles.

The last time Anna and I were in each others lives on a day to day basis, she was a student and I was on staff with YWAM. I was very much seeking the Lord about my future in that season. I was fearful that I would be single forever, and very unsure of where I would be living long term. Every night I was face down and God was getting an earful. He graciously heard my prayers and granted me the peace and clarity to stay strong in the place he had called me to and stilled my heart about the future. I had days when his voice was hard to hear amid my own longings and anxiety but most days I woke up thankful and joyful about my life.

Fast forward to today. I am in Seattle, tonight I get to be in my wonderful home, eating dinner with my husband and heading full steam ahead in to the next season.

I am reminded that a few years ago my dependency on the Lord to be my provider and security was very real and I new him tangibly in these ways. Through my relationship with Jeremy the Lord has shown me more of what Love is. Jeremy is my best friend, my confident, my other half and yet Jeremy is simply a gift from God. The Lord is still my true provider, and my hope. He is my rock and my salvation. It was the Lord who first taught me about the love of a bridegroom, so Jeremy has some pretty big shoes to fill!

Some days it feels so much easier to let Jeremy meet my needs rather than to turn to the Lord. When I need money or clothes, it is Jeremy I ask now. I was reminded at church last night that anything we turn to for provision or security is simply an idol. I do not want Jeremy or our marriage to be an idol or a distraction in my life. I want our marriage to be a reflection of Christs love. I want us to serve one another, put one anothers needs before our own, show grace, mercy, love and forgiveness. Mostly I want Jeremy and I to be allowing the other space to become all that God is calling us to, and be a catalyst and support for that transformation.

Perhaps Jeremy's name is on the cheque, but it's simply a vessel of Gods sovereign provision. God grant me eyes to see the truth, and a heart that is grateful for every blessing you have granted me.

Taking communion at our wedding (

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Just call me Martha...

My hope is to record some of our fun newly-wed adventures. I hope we will look back on it when we are old and grey and laugh as we reminisce! I also recognise how good it is for me to stop and to make time to sift through the experiences life is throwing my way. Thanks for joining me!

Today is Sunday, and I have been leisurely sitting on the couch planning out menus and shopping lists for the next couple of weeks. Being queen of my own kitchen has been such a wonderful new adventure! I discovered a passion for cooking while living with Amanda and sharing her kitchen for so many years. Now I have my own space to create and I am relishing the opportunity. Our kitchen is not the perfect kitchen, it is not remodelled, no granite here, but I love this space and what it represents. A place to call my own. A littl epiece of the world where I get to take ingredients and make good food for my family and friends. A time and place to enjoy God's daily provision in my life, and to be thankful.

So I'm sitting on our couch under a thick blanket, knee deep in Cooking light magazines and am finding yummy sounding recipes and making shopping lists. (The blanket is because Jeremy and his dad turned off the gas to replace the water heater and its freezing in here!)

Now the fall has finally arrived, I can begin to make all the delicious sounding soups that I have been tucking away for just this time of year! In the US pumpkins are big business cooked in recipes not just to make Halloween lanterns and one of the dishes I am most excited about making is pumpkin and red lentil curry. It has become a firm fall favourite over the last few years - my mouth is watering as I type!

Ok, I am signing off. This is my first post in a while and I think I need to ease in gently!

The start...

I thought the first post on this blog should include wedding pics, just a couple of my faves. It really happened. I met him, the man that looked me in the eyes on a cold and rainy night and asked me to be his wife. The man who carries my hopes and dreams as carefully as his own. The one who gets up early to make me breakfast in bed on my birthday. The one I have been waiting for.

I am so glad God brought us together and pray He will give us strength to weather all the seasons of life together.

All pictures by Lindsay Kennedy Photography, see


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...