Today I spent time visiting with one of our former YWAM students, Anna. She is in town for a few days from Texas. Over coffee and plum crisp (thank you Heather) we caught up one some of the main events from the past couple of years. It was a blessing to have time to stop and revisit some of the wonderful things that have happened, and healing to look back on some of the struggles.
The last time Anna and I were in each others lives on a day to day basis, she was a student and I was on staff with YWAM. I was very much seeking the Lord about my future in that season. I was fearful that I would be single forever, and very unsure of where I would be living long term. Every night I was face down and God was getting an earful. He graciously heard my prayers and granted me the peace and clarity to stay strong in the place he had called me to and stilled my heart about the future. I had days when his voice was hard to hear amid my own longings and anxiety but most days I woke up thankful and joyful about my life.
Fast forward to today. I am in Seattle, tonight I get to be in my wonderful home, eating dinner with my husband and heading full steam ahead in to the next season.
I am reminded that a few years ago my dependency on the Lord to be my provider and security was very real and I new him tangibly in these ways. Through my relationship with Jeremy the Lord has shown me more of what Love is. Jeremy is my best friend, my confident, my other half and yet Jeremy is simply a gift from God. The Lord is still my true provider, and my hope. He is my rock and my salvation. It was the Lord who first taught me about the love of a bridegroom, so Jeremy has some pretty big shoes to fill!
Some days it feels so much easier to let Jeremy meet my needs rather than to turn to the Lord. When I need money or clothes, it is Jeremy I ask now. I was reminded at church last night that anything we turn to for provision or security is simply an idol. I do not want Jeremy or our marriage to be an idol or a distraction in my life. I want our marriage to be a reflection of Christs love. I want us to serve one another, put one anothers needs before our own, show grace, mercy, love and forgiveness. Mostly I want Jeremy and I to be allowing the other space to become all that God is calling us to, and be a catalyst and support for that transformation.
Perhaps Jeremy's name is on the cheque, but it's simply a vessel of Gods sovereign provision. God grant me eyes to see the truth, and a heart that is grateful for every blessing you have granted me.
Taking communion at our wedding (lindsaykennedyphotography.com)
I totally struggled with this one the first year of marriage also....was I idolizing Tim, or just thankful for God's provision of a wonderful mate? The fact that your questioning is a good sign that you are still seeking to put God first, just as you struggled when you were single, so it's a journey! Love your blog, and YOU.
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