Since I got married, I am learning every day that I am more selfish than I realised, more controlled than I like and more self-sufficient than I would believe. In our marriage I am seeing a reflection of myself that needs some transformation. So how have I been handling this revelation? That's right, I fixate on Jeremy's areas of weakness and spend my time trying to help/encourage/nag him to change.
I see these flaws in myself and how they are a result of the story of my life. I am scared at the transformation needed to be the person I want to be. I think, "tomorrow I will start to work on it", and so the overwhelming procrastination continues. Of course when tomorrow arrives, I have no more discipline or self control than today. It is no easier to change then, why would it be? I am not sure what I am expecting but somehow promising myself that tomorrow I will suddenly muster the the strength to break patterns of behaviour, take away those emotional crutches and be the person I hear God calling me to be soothes my spirit enough until the conviction passes.
It feel much easier to "support" Jeremy in his transformation than face the discomfort and challenge of my own. How righteous of me...erm? not.
Its time for a change. It is almost 9pm and I am starting to move my timeline already. Earlier today, (as I do most days) I said to myself, "tomorrow I will work out, I will read my Bible, I will turn off the television, I will make good food choices, I will be kinder, more generous, less judgemental, I will gossip less, encourage more and generally be the person I know (with Gods strength) I can be. However, now tomorrow seems pretty close and I am thinking that starting after the weekend will be a better goal.
I know making these changes will be uncomfortable and will make me face my demons in a way that I don't want to. I see that while the truth, written in brackets in paragraph above, that it is in God's strength alone I can be what he is calling me to be. I am not asking Him because I am afraid of what life will be like if I do. It might require more of me than I am able to give to give and I am clearly not trusting God to give we the rest of what I need. I am trying to be these things in my own strength to remain in control of my life.
It seems noble, to go after being the person God is calling me to be, but I am only wanting it on my terms - that's so far from noble its just plain knobbly!
How much do I really want to accept His invitation to be the person he has in mind, and how much do I want to hide behind my own procrastination and sit in this land of in between? It's not even that comfortable here anymore because every day I just feel like I am a failure - score one for the enemy because it is really a question of my faith.
Do I really believe that the life God is calling me to will fulfill me? Do I believe he will sustain me, and help me overcome temptation if I am only willing to ask? Do I have the faith to let go of my own agenda and plans and let God work though me? I have to step out in faith to see Gods plans unfold. Like when in the Torah, when God first set the principles in place to help alleviate poverty including crop rotation and gleanings. The people didn't understand the way the soil needed to regenerate, and their very lives were depending on their farming. They had to step out in faith, put into practice the things God was asking of them and just let his plans and purposes be. Tr using Him and believing in His love for us. To help us in making the invisible God visible in and through our lives.
I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief Mark 9:24