Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Good night, good morning.

This morning I received this text from my husband. "No I did not catch my bus and yes, I am standing in the rain." He wasn't simply telling me about his morning, but was reminding me that my love affair with our bed had once again caused an upset to the start of his day. Poor baby, it was a really nasty wet day to be waiting for the bus.

Seriously though, I could not get out of bed. It was SOOO comfortable and I was sleeping so soundly it was blissful. But he is right, "Chrissie stop saying sorry, if you were sorry you'd get up earlier." So true, guess I need to stop saying sorry?!

Ha ha ha.

Totally kidding. I recognise that I need to make a change!

Before the autumn days set in and the dark mornings are here I need to start getting to bed on time. I don't know what your night time "wind-down" routine looks like but mine is very inconsistent. This is what I am aiming for...wash my face, floss and brush my teeth, put on cute PJ's, makes a warm drink, climb into crisp clean sheets and read a classic novel before turning out the light and falling into a deep and restful sleep.

And then of course, I would wake up rested and so excited to jump out of bed for the day ahead. So that's the plan...we'll see how it goes!

Hopefully that will help me to make sure Jeremy stays dry and gets to work on time this winter!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Love Letters

Our first anniversary has come and gone and we had a wonderful celebration. We went camping for a couple of days in La Conner and then headed to Bellingham for a night at the Bellwether hotel where we spent our wedding night. On our anniversary, we ate the top tier of our wedding cake which has been taking up space in Jeremy's parents freezer for the past year! It was still delicious, and the perfect camping breakfast.
We feel truly encouraged to see what God has done in us as individuals and as a couple in the past year and continue to pray for our future together. The first wedding anniversary is the 'paper' anniversary and for our gifts to each other we wrote love letters which we read aloud to one another, sitting on the balcony of our hotel room a year after we said our vows.

It was a beautiful moment and I loved making space to sit and tell Jeremy just how much and why I love him, and then to hear him share his heart, so vulnerable, with me. It was one of those moments when you want to stop time and just live in that moment for ever.

We watched this beautiful sun set from our balcony

Friday, August 20, 2010

A year ago

A year ago today we were just two days away from our wedding day. We were finalizing last minute details and getting to the church for our rehearsal followed by rehearsal dinner. It was a busy day, but one we shared with close friends and family. Here are just a couple of pics to illustrate this trip down memory lane!

The guys make sure their suits fit.

Practice makes perfect!

Rehearsal dinner. Fun times with friends.

I can't believe that was a year ago!

This year, today represents another milestone. Today I handed in my final paper for my first college class. I am done with school for this quarter and I am so ready for a little break before starting classes this fall. I am proud of myself, and looking forward to the future. I wonder how many classes will be under my belt by this time next year, or what other adventures we will have begun? I will have at least one study buddy for the fall so I am sure this will be a step in the right direction for my study habits!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Just a little update

Having asked for prayer for my Doctors appointment I wanted to just give a quick update. It was a pretty emotional visit for me, I had been totally fine and then as I walked into her office the whole thing was suddenly so sad again. That said I don't think I did the best job at explaining my fears or asking questions but the Doctor was gentle with me. She just said that such early miscarriages were not unusual and were not necessarily an indication that I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy next time. She said there was nothing they could test for that would be helpful. So, no quick easy answers. There might have been a little relief in hearing there is no obvious problem - except I feel like there is something not quite right, I just don't know what it is or if I am just crazy and maybe shes right. Maybe our next pregnancy will be healthy and result in a healthy baby, I just have a feeling that is not the case and I can't put my finger on what the feeling is. I do however know that God is bigger than this struggle and ultimately His will prevails.

So we keep praying and trusting.

She said there was no physical reason not to start trying again right away. I want to hear as good news but it makes me anxious. Please pray for peace, and for us to be blessed with our very own little miracle very soon.

Thanks for caring and praying. Please be sure to let us know how we can be praying for you too.

This weekend we celebrate our one year anniversary and then a few weeks after that my parents and my brother are coming to visit, not to mention my birthday! We have lots of reasons to celebrate and there is a lot of joy coming our way in the next month or so. God is taking good care of us.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Desert Song

Last night Jeremy and I rode on his motorcycle to Carkeek park after work. We had packed a picnic and went down to the beach where we ate delicious heirloom tomato and basil salad, french bread, good cheese, and strawberries for dessert. We sat on towels leaning against driftwood watching as the sun set behind the mountains over the water. It was breathtaking. Just a moment where I knew God's presence tangibly. What is extra special about that is that it is a totally answer to prayer. I received some prayers via email from friends and they nearly all mentioned experiencing the presence of God in a real way in our sadness. So thank you friends, and thank you Lord. You are worthy to be praised!

It reminded me of the lyrics of a song which a friend sent to me recently. It wasn't a new song to me, but in the midst of our sadness about this miscarriage it became a true anthem. "All of my life, in every season, You are still God and I have a reason to worship"

Wherever you are today, whether it is a sad or joyful time in your life, I hope that it blesses you.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

no need to look for the silver lining

The physical pain is over now, and we are left with questions, but more overwhelmingly we are left with peace. our good is good. I know it's him because I know myself well enough that this it is not in me to feel this way, in this moment.

I have a doctor's appointment this Wednesday so prayers for me to ask the right questions, and for her to offer some wisdom about where we go from here would be appreciated.

The past few days have been full of tears, but through them I have truly not had to look for a silver lining in my clouds. It has been sparkling right there in front of me. I have seen how our community gathers around us in our grief, drops off cookies, invites us for dinner, calls, messages,offers of company and especially prayers.

Living in England and having a strong church family, and then moving to Seattle as a part of YWAM, I feel truly blessed to have experienced the gift of community firsthand for most of my life. I have called upon people for prayer in times of despair and in times of celebration and seen God use my community to show his love.

In February, after our first miscarriage I felt this too. I was hurting and confused and had so many reach out with love, and support. The experience was different for Jeremy. In large part because a baby was not on the cards, he was not so emotionally attached to our pregnancy when we lost it, he had only known for about a week where as I had suspected for longer and had been living with the constant reminder as my body battled nausea, fatigue and other delights. Jeremy could go to work and forget. When that pregnancy ended, we grieved beside each other, but not sure how to truly share the experience. He was worried about me, but couldn't fully understand the my sadness. I think he was confused by the outpouring of love we saw because he was not hurting in a way that needed so much comfort. We struggled for a while to find each other after that experience.

This time the story is so different. This pregnancy was planned and wanted. We were both invested, he woke up at 5am when he heard me get up to find out if the two lines appeared on the test, and smiled widely when i nodded that they did. We dreamed together and prayed together. When we miscarried, Jeremy was the one that lay with me for hours on the bed, as I cried, and prayed with me. He took care of my physical needs making sure I was fed and watered. Bringing me chocolate, and my favourite Indian food for dinner. He embraced all the emotion with me. He was sad too, and let me comfort him. I don't know many times when we have felt more united.

This time as our friends reached out to us he felt their embrace. He received messages and calls too, making sure he was ok and caring for him. He saw the blessing of being vulnerable and I love the way God is transforming and softening his heart in this way; seeing vulnerability not as a weakness but a strength.

The hurt is not gone from this experience, but the deep sadness is passing and hope is being restored. And that's what drives us forward. It is hope that keeps us breathing in and out.

Our marriage has come so far even in the last 6 months as I look back. I am so in love and take such delight in the way our marriage can be a vessel and a blessing for God to use. Through the heartache, I see the way we have been changed and brought closer together, and I am thankful and expectant of what God will do in and through us as we approach the beginning of our second year.

Thank you again for loving us, and sharing this life adventure with us, we are so very thankful for you.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Angel babies

It feels like I just stopped crying from losing our first pregnancy, but now those wounds are re-opened because it's happening again. Today we had our second miscarriage. We hadn't really told anyone we were pregnant, but lying here, grieving and in pain it feels too big to keep to ourselves. So this is where I turn to share our news and ask for your prayers.

We are heartbroken. This was our first month trying to conceive and could not believe our dream was coming true so quickly when we got two lines on our home test. But it was not to be and now we live with an other angel baby; in our hearts but not in our arms.

It is days like today I am so thankful to know Christ, and to rest in His arms - it does little to ease our pain but we know we are not carrying it alone and that helps somehow. Your prayers for healing and peace are greatly appreciated.

Saturday, August 7, 2010


Since I began dipping my toes a little more into the waters of blogland I have come across some fabulous and creative women. I feel as though I am discovering this gem, hidden amongst the years of information there is on the internet. Blogland is a quiet place. Somewhere to reflect, to be real, to share our thoughts , hearts, fears and joys and connect with others who 'get it.'

I am inspired to ask for help with decorating ideas, share menus and recipes, ask for prayer and support others in that way. The internet really isn't just about porn...we have taken it and made it beautiful.

In blogland, the internet connects family and friends and lets us build a new community of people to share life in this new, and different way.

Thanks for welcoming me so warmly.

I am typing this sitting on our brand new bed. We were given a mattress and box spring by my in-laws for our wedding which has been greatly appreciated, but has been sitting on the floor surrounded by a mish-mash of other furniture for a year. We have been searching for a bed and bedroom furniture for about 6 months and not found anything we liked. I didn't realise we were so picky, or rather I didn't realise it would be so hard to find what we wanted.

Our criteria:
sleigh head board that was solid - some are really flimsy.
Dark wood stain. Not black.
Night stands which were not open. We both have lots of little bits and bobs on our night stands and this way it can clear the clutter out of sight but we can still have our essentials close at hand...where my hubby would be without his shot glass full of neon orange ear plugs I dread to think?!

Was that too picky?

Our thinking was that you have your bedroom set forever. Its not like a couch which gets worn and replaced, it grows old with you. So it felt like an investment in our future - plus its almost our one year anniversary and what a great gift to ourselves! Back to our search - Over 4th of July weekend, we trawled the furniture stores and stumbled across the perfect set, which was made even more prefect but he big sale they were having. Normally Jeremy is not someone known to make expensive decisions quickly. I love him for this, he wants us to be wise stewards of the resources we have been trusted with, but at the same time I was a little nervous it could squelch our chances of getting this set because we had to decide and buy it before Monday night and it was Saturday evening when we found it.

We went home and measured. It would fit. We prayed about it and then went back on Monday satisfied to make the purchase if we both still liked it. Which we did, and now I am really so happy with our decision. He is too. It was delivered yesterday and looking at our bedroom now, we feel like grown up's all of a sudden!

However with the furniture in place, we now have to seek out matching bedside lamps, and finally get some art, photos or anything on the walls!

Any ideas for creative things to decorate or places to look for wall art online or in person would be appreciated. Here is our blank canvas!


Monday, August 2, 2010

Time to get off the couch

As I said in my previous posts me and Jesus have been struggling to get on the same page. In reality, I have been struggling to get on his page. He is not asking anything of me but to sit with him, and somehow that seems like an impossible task as I busily fill my time with other things.

It is not that I have too much to do and too little time, it is that I chose to watch TV, of look at pictures of Facebook, or find a new recipe I must try out, or any other myriad of things on my 'ways I chose to be distracted from the real things in my life.' None of these these distractions are inherently bad, but they become less than good when I use them as tools to escape fully participating in the life I know is mine for the taking if I just engage.

I am desperate to engage. Frightened of what will become of me if I keep down this path of detachment and living on the surface of life.

Last night Jeremy and I went to the church, it was the first time I have gone in about a month. Not all of those Sundays were included an intentional decision not to go to church, but some were. Others were just a case of not making it a priority. I didn't 'feel' like it. I don't like to do something just to do it, especially when it come down to my faith but this justification seemed to be hurting me more than being a way to experience freedom in Christ. As I felt the distance between me and God getting further and further. With Jeremy's encouragement we went to church and I am so glad we did.

The service opened with a wonderful time of worship. Singing songs which were so focused on God's love for me took my breath away. The presence of the Holy Spirit was heavy and I cannot remember the last time I felt so safe in His presence.

Richard's message was about 'making Seattle a great city.'He spoke about being a part of something bigger than ourselves as we live out our faith. The text he preached from was Isaiah60:4-11, 17-21. (This may sound disjointed because it is the bullet points from what I heard, but it was so encouraging.) He spoke about being the embodiment of Christ in our city. He encouraged us to be careful not to take our identity from our work but to be committed to the tasks set before us. We are the light of Christ in this city, and we must live sacrificially for glory of God in Seattle.

Something about how we are more fully ourselves when we are living for something outside of ourselves rang true. I still think I am living in the aftermath of YWAM. In YWAM I did feel like I was making a difference, in the lives of our students, in the lives of the people of Seattle and in the lives of those we served overseas. I saw God using me in tangible ways and I felt connected to His bigger plan. What first drew me to this city was a sense of God's heart for Seattle and the invitation to be apart of it. Since YWAM ended I have got married, started school, started watching baby Lucy, struggled with body image...just to name a few, but these things have not felt like things I am a part of in the bigger plan for my life. It is not that they were right or wrong, but they have been decisions that made sense.

I know that God gives us wisdom to make good decisions as well as asking us to to things that seem crazy but I don't think I really gave Him a chance to weigh in on these ones.

I am tired of thinking about myself, and how much I have to do. For a second I forgot that there is a big wide world out there. I am a part of wonderful community that is planted in a fabulous city and I have a part to play in being the hands and feet of Jesus here until he returns.

Now that inspires me to get of the couch, stop procrastinating on writing my paper for school, and really embrace the gift of loving on the best 1 year old I know as she experiences the world in the way only kids can.

I have a wonderful life and I want to give God the glory for all he has blessed me with.


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