As I said in my previous posts me and Jesus have been struggling to get on the same page. In reality, I have been struggling to get on his page. He is not asking anything of me but to sit with him, and somehow that seems like an impossible task as I busily fill my time with other things.
It is not that I have too much to do and too little time, it is that I chose to watch TV, of look at pictures of Facebook, or find a new recipe I must try out, or any other myriad of things on my 'ways I chose to be distracted from the real things in my life.' None of these these distractions are inherently bad, but they become less than good when I use them as tools to escape fully participating in the life I know is mine for the taking if I just engage.
I am desperate to engage. Frightened of what will become of me if I keep down this path of detachment and living on the surface of life.
Last night Jeremy and I went to the church, it was the first time I have gone in about a month. Not all of those Sundays were included an intentional decision not to go to church, but some were. Others were just a case of not making it a priority. I didn't 'feel' like it. I don't like to do something just to do it, especially when it come down to my faith but this justification seemed to be hurting me more than being a way to experience freedom in Christ. As I felt the distance between me and God getting further and further. With Jeremy's encouragement we went to church and I am so glad we did.
The service opened with a wonderful time of worship. Singing songs which were so focused on God's love for me took my breath away. The presence of the Holy Spirit was heavy and I cannot remember the last time I felt so safe in His presence.
Richard's message was about 'making Seattle a great city.'He spoke about being a part of something bigger than ourselves as we live out our faith. The text he preached from was Isaiah60:4-11, 17-21. (This may sound disjointed because it is the bullet points from what I heard, but it was so encouraging.) He spoke about being the embodiment of Christ in our city. He encouraged us to be careful not to take our identity from our work but to be committed to the tasks set before us. We are the light of Christ in this city, and we must live sacrificially for glory of God in Seattle.
Something about how we are more fully ourselves when we are living for something outside of ourselves rang true. I still think I am living in the aftermath of YWAM. In YWAM I did feel like I was making a difference, in the lives of our students, in the lives of the people of Seattle and in the lives of those we served overseas. I saw God using me in tangible ways and I felt connected to His bigger plan. What first drew me to this city was a sense of God's heart for Seattle and the invitation to be apart of it. Since YWAM ended I have got married, started school, started watching baby Lucy, struggled with body image...just to name a few, but these things have not felt like things I am a part of in the bigger plan for my life. It is not that they were right or wrong, but they have been decisions that made sense.
I know that God gives us wisdom to make good decisions as well as asking us to to things that seem crazy but I don't think I really gave Him a chance to weigh in on these ones.
I am tired of thinking about myself, and how much I have to do. For a second I forgot that there is a big wide world out there. I am a part of wonderful community that is planted in a fabulous city and I have a part to play in being the hands and feet of Jesus here until he returns.
Now that inspires me to get of the couch, stop procrastinating on writing my paper for school, and really embrace the gift of loving on the best 1 year old I know as she experiences the world in the way only kids can.
I have a wonderful life and I want to give God the glory for all he has blessed me with.
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