Saturday, August 14, 2010

no need to look for the silver lining

The physical pain is over now, and we are left with questions, but more overwhelmingly we are left with peace. our good is good. I know it's him because I know myself well enough that this it is not in me to feel this way, in this moment.

I have a doctor's appointment this Wednesday so prayers for me to ask the right questions, and for her to offer some wisdom about where we go from here would be appreciated.

The past few days have been full of tears, but through them I have truly not had to look for a silver lining in my clouds. It has been sparkling right there in front of me. I have seen how our community gathers around us in our grief, drops off cookies, invites us for dinner, calls, messages,offers of company and especially prayers.

Living in England and having a strong church family, and then moving to Seattle as a part of YWAM, I feel truly blessed to have experienced the gift of community firsthand for most of my life. I have called upon people for prayer in times of despair and in times of celebration and seen God use my community to show his love.

In February, after our first miscarriage I felt this too. I was hurting and confused and had so many reach out with love, and support. The experience was different for Jeremy. In large part because a baby was not on the cards, he was not so emotionally attached to our pregnancy when we lost it, he had only known for about a week where as I had suspected for longer and had been living with the constant reminder as my body battled nausea, fatigue and other delights. Jeremy could go to work and forget. When that pregnancy ended, we grieved beside each other, but not sure how to truly share the experience. He was worried about me, but couldn't fully understand the my sadness. I think he was confused by the outpouring of love we saw because he was not hurting in a way that needed so much comfort. We struggled for a while to find each other after that experience.

This time the story is so different. This pregnancy was planned and wanted. We were both invested, he woke up at 5am when he heard me get up to find out if the two lines appeared on the test, and smiled widely when i nodded that they did. We dreamed together and prayed together. When we miscarried, Jeremy was the one that lay with me for hours on the bed, as I cried, and prayed with me. He took care of my physical needs making sure I was fed and watered. Bringing me chocolate, and my favourite Indian food for dinner. He embraced all the emotion with me. He was sad too, and let me comfort him. I don't know many times when we have felt more united.

This time as our friends reached out to us he felt their embrace. He received messages and calls too, making sure he was ok and caring for him. He saw the blessing of being vulnerable and I love the way God is transforming and softening his heart in this way; seeing vulnerability not as a weakness but a strength.

The hurt is not gone from this experience, but the deep sadness is passing and hope is being restored. And that's what drives us forward. It is hope that keeps us breathing in and out.

Our marriage has come so far even in the last 6 months as I look back. I am so in love and take such delight in the way our marriage can be a vessel and a blessing for God to use. Through the heartache, I see the way we have been changed and brought closer together, and I am thankful and expectant of what God will do in and through us as we approach the beginning of our second year.

Thank you again for loving us, and sharing this life adventure with us, we are so very thankful for you.


  1. oh friend. there's just not words for how joy-filled and sad and blessed and , well you know. my heart is with you and jeremy too.
    i love you.

  2. You just keep getting better and better at expressing yourself (And growing in wisdom) in this life!! Hugs.



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