This post seems overdue. In most spheres of my life, this is old news but for some reason I have been having writers block to share it on here. I think a big reason is that my head is taking a long time to catch up with my body.
Truth is - I'm pregnant again.
Here is Levi with our announcement. It was cute but it still didn't feel real.
I have a few posts saved in my draft file that I wrote early on in this pregnancy, similar to with Levi, only his were full of feeling and they still bring up the feelings I was experiencing as God did this miracle in my body and grew our little man. The writings from this pregnancy are flat. The mirror how I was/am feeling once again only this time its much different. I want to be excited but everything happened so fast I don't think my head believes it even though my swollen belly is trying to remind me at every turn.
I always said I wanted babies 18 months apart. But with our fertility issues it felt like something out of my control enough that I put it out of my head as a possibility. And now it is (God willing) the reality for us. Our babies will be 18 month apart.
Suddenly, I am not sure what to think. I am overwhelmed with the responsibility that is about to hit my days. The busyness that will envelop my every moment and the sleep that will be even less present in my days/nights.
I am grieving the lack of just Levi time I will experience, e18 months just isn't enough time before we welcome another little one. He is growing and changing so much every day and I don;t want to miss anything!
The nausea was limited with this pregnancy but the painful exhaustion is still very much present. We are almost 13 weeks and I am hopeful and prayerful that the second trimester will give me some sort of a break from the weight of the tired feeling. I am carrying a heavy burden of guilt about the crappy mothering job I have been doing hte past few weeks with Levi. Its his first summer, he should be out at the park and the pool and instead he has been amusing himself a lot while I lay on the couch with teh TV keeping us both company because I have zero energy or motivation for anything else. This is of course the glass half empty version as I write it. We have spent a good deal of time being out and playing, making the most of our zoo membership as well as the local playground but I have let my social calendar slip because it takes more effort than I can spare to make plans. Yawn.
My 8.30pm bedtimes have done little to ease it.
I feel conflicted. Wanting to be the best mum to Levi and to this new bubba. It feels impossible.
I have also been eating a crap diet which doesn't help in the giving me energy and feeling bright and well but this week I have been making descent meals at dinner time and Levi and I have been eating the same things fro lunches so I have been eating much better generally but that guilt cloud of "your baby is being formed on frozen pizza and french fries" is a heavy one.
I am buying lots of salad for this week. Fruit and veggies. This week the baby will be growing on cucumber and peaches :) Guilt free baby building.
So that's our news. Its out there in blogland.
Please don;t hear me being ungrateful. We are beyond thankful to God for this blessing, We were anticipating a much longer story; a much different journey. This took us by surprise in the most amazing way. Our God is so good. We get the results of our NT test/scan in a week or so and after that (assuming all is well) I hope I can start to shift gears and believe that this is truly happening. It all felt too simple, too easy and made me certain something would have to mark it to stop it feeling so "perfect". I have been waiting for some thing to go wrong. I know that is not how our God works. I know this is the enemy stealing the joy from this moment and each day I am fighting my own thoughts about it. Fighting to know God's peace and joy for this new life. Fighting to hear his voice,; his plans and purposes for me and for our family in this season.
So thankful to serve such a loving father God. Who puts up with me always. And so thankful for our second miracle, due in February 2014.