Sunday, May 8, 2016

On the eve of three

I just settled Levi to sleep for the last time before baby sister #2 arrives in our lives. It was a bitter sweet moment as I realised just how big he is. No longer my baby at all.

I can't get up in his loft bed to read books with my giant belly so I sat on the floor and he sat with me in what's left of my lap. He pulled over a blanket, "Mummy, I brought this over for us to share". Melt my heart sweet boy, when did you become so grown up?!

The story you selected is a favourite of yours, it's a tad gross, but quite funny at the same time. It's about a little mole who gets pooped on when he sticks his head out of his mole hill, and then his search to find out who did it. At the end you turned to me with a very serious look on your face and said, "You know what Mummy? If someone ever pooped on your head, I would help you find out who it was." Nice to feel you are already protecting your mother, I'll take it :)

Then your little face just lit up as we talked a little more about the details of the days ahead. You are just so excited to meet your baby sister. I know you will make a great big brother again this time around. I am sure we will have some bumps in the road, but you have a good heart and a caring nature and I think being the age you are will give you the opportunity to really shine in your big brother role.

Jeremy put Nora to bed tonight. I think she only threw one or two (serious) tantrums during that process. She has been having a really hard time with life in the past few days. So much emotion, so many tantrums and tears, so much of a struggle to just hear "no" or not have things go the way she thinks they should. I am not sure if the timing is just coincidence or it's her little way of processing the changes she knows are coming but really are too much for her little self to comprehend. She is challenging my patience and yet, breaking my heart at the same time. I want her to know she is loved and safe and that none of that is going to change. The next few days with me and Jeremy being gone will likely be hardest on her sweet spirit, but with all her grandparents around I hope she can have lots of fun too.

I keep looking around the house as if I am never returning, trying to drink in exactly how everything looks because it does truly feel like when we come home everything will be different.

Jeremy keeps asking me what we still need to cross off the list to be ready for tomorrow. I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening because the reality is scary. The reality of my surgery, and even more the reality of having a third little one to care for when I only have two arms!

There are piles of half finished tasks all over the house where I have tried and failed to get a project done and the layers of dust and such in our house are something I never anticipated I would let evolve but over time cleaning has fallen to the back of my mind and certainly my priorities and I fear my house will never be clean the way I like it ever again.

I can feel my anxiety build and am hopeful that I can get a good nights rest so that I can sleep off some of it. Also because I cant eat or drink after midnight and I know I am going to be so very uncomfortable complying with that rule.

I don't know when this became my life. When did we go from not knowing if we would ever have biological babies, to being pregnant with our third? This pregnancy felt like it lasted forever and also went by in a heartbeat. I cannot believe we are 39 weeks tomorrow. The end of the road, the final gig of the farewell pregnancy tour, seriously, this is my life?!

It is appropriate that it's mother's day today in the U.S. I have had time to contemplate the gift and blessing that my children are to me, and be reminded that this life is something generously bestowed on me. I do not take this responsibility lightly. I know that my tired heart sometimes needs to be encouraged to be more thankful for even the more trying aspects of motherhood, because it IS such a beautiful and precious gift.

Tonight I go to sleep for the last time as a mother to two. Tomorrow is the start of a new season for our family. I am excited and terrified in equal measure but so thankful to my husband, and family as well as a strong community of friends who we have to support us, help us, and especially believe in us, as we adjust.

Ok baby girl, just a few more hours and we're coming for you!!

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