Thursday, July 23, 2015

Disengaged but trying

Doing something for myself today by letting us all have a very slow paced, at home kinda day. I made it to my small group for the first time in forever last night and it truly filled my heart in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time. But catching up lasted until almost midnight and then when I arrived home, Nora was having a very uncommon middle of the night nappy change for an icky poop. She then spent the next 2 hours struggling to get back to sleep so by 2am I was only just drifting off to sleep for the first time. Then I was up at 4 searching the house for a pacifier after Nora woke up, tearfully asking for one and I could not for the life of me find the one she had gone to bed with, and then I was up again at just after 530 when Levi came into our room. He went back to sleep thankfully but I got up with Jeremy just after 6am to get a shower in before he left for work so I didn't have to juggle it with both kiddos awake, all that to say, I am running in fumes today.

I packed the kids in the car, in their jammies to drive thru Starbucks before 8am so I could get a much needed coffee and get them a muffin for breakfast because even making toast felt like a gigantic energy expense that I couldn't face.

Seems Nora's upset tummy is still lingering and shes had a few squirts this morning. None for a while now, but she crawled up onto my lap an hour ago and fell asleep so i am hoping she can catch up on some missed sleep from last night and shake off whatever is going on on her body. I don't know if it's a little bug or the result of too many grapes yesterday, or just something she found somewhere on the floor and decided to eat...she likes to do that. Who knows? She's not acting sick - at least not yet.

The sun is only just starting to burn through the clouds so the more overcast skies certainly provided a fitting backdrop for our cozy, snuggling under a blanket movie watching morning. I am cashing in all those months when Levi didn't watch any TV so I can let him over indulge today :) I got out the crayons and colouring books earlier with both kids and we have read stories too but its been a very lazy parenting day.

I feel as though this new house provided opportunities to get out of some of the ruts I have found myself in but I need to be more proactive in planning ahead to make that happen. I am still very much adjusting to our new space, our new normal and our family life once again just including the four of us. Its a lot. More than I realised and I am not handling it very well. My kids bear the brunt of my lack of energy, mostly in lazy, semi engaged parenting days. After a good nights sleep, and with some pre planned play dates we have wonderful, sweet times and I hope that these will become more of the norm around here.

I desire our days be filled with friends, and creativity. Outside time and adventures; bike riding, hiking and beach time. Slowly our days are including more of these and more often but today is not one of those days.

I was convicted by the painting Levi brought home on Sunday from kids church which had his apple printing all over this verse from Galatians "But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control" Ouch. Apparently, my lack of time for myself and lack of prioritizing time with the Lord is very obvious from my recent parenting struggles. I am making changes. I have started reading the 'She reads truth' devotional online every day. Its a step in the right direction.

Levi continues to struggle with his potty training after taking himself for pee and poop for a week he has regressed and we have hit the two weeks pooping in underwear every day mark. He is still doing pretty well with his peeing and will go if I ask him to but he doesn't seem to be as proactive about taking himself. My prayer request at small group was that he would find peace to poop on the potty again. I am navigating how to encourage him but not condone his behavior when its a case of making the choice to wait so long that he has accidents. I know he has gone trough lots of change recently so I am trying to have grace. Sometimes I do that better than others.

I love my babies but I am also realising that I am such a better mummy when I have made time for Jesus and time for myself. I need my girlfriends and I certainly need my God to make it through the days with a joyful and thankful heart.

I am watching Levi watch the TV still in his pajamas and resolving to have some intentional time with him today - even if it's not something elaborate.

Come, Lord Jesus. Please fill me with your Spirit today. Give me your wisdom and strength to parent these precious babies to the best of my ability and to draw from you when my well is dry. I cannot do this alone and I am so very thankful I don't have to. Let the fruits of your Spirit be the markers of my parenting and may my children know how loved and cherished they are. Let me be your hands and feet as I parent.
Please Lord.

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