Friday, December 21, 2012

It's all about the sleeping...or lack there of

The rest of the week has made up for the sleep deprivation of the first few days. Levi had a day and night of lots of pooping and that seemed to help him settle. Not to be too graphic but I would be uncomfortable too if there was that quantity of stuff inside me.

We have all been sleeping much better since his bowels started behaving.

Earlier this week I was beginning to feel like I had bitten off more than I could chew with this motherhood business. I am signed up to take a class online starting in January, and I am planning to restart driving lessons in earnest - these two things in themselves feel like a lot on my plate - the driving especially because as much as I want my license and I need my license I am so very anxious about the actual getting behind the wheel. I want to believe it's possible but it is hard to imagine myself feeling confident enough to drive by myself. It sounds silly to many of you who have been driving since your teens but it's the truth. When I was taking lessons before my confidence increased but it's been a while now and my nerve has well and truly gone again. Taking it slowly, and prayerfully I hope 2013 will be the year that I will finally cross getting my license off my bucket list.

I digress, but when motherhood is hard and tiring I feel like I am barely making it through the day with a baby who is clean and fed and anything additional feels completely overwhelming.

And then on days like today, when we got good sleep and Levi was his normal cheerful self, I feel like those things are not more than I can handle.

There is a Christmas Eve carol service at our church followed by a cookie reception on the 24th and church members were asked to bring a dozen cookies if possible to make sure there is enough for all the guests and visitors. At the beginning of the week the visions of beautifully decorated sugar cookies that had pooped into by head when I heard the announcement about bringing cookies almost brought me to tears. How was I ever going to have time to make cookies? I am already going to bed at 7pm and I'm still exhausted where would I fit in baking and frosting? I am such a failure. And suddenly I am in tears over making cookies...or not making them.

And then today, the visions of sugar cookies are back, more elaborately decorated than ever and my schedule suddenly seems to be wide open, I can even see some time for scrapbooking...

It just goes to show that sleep truly makes all the difference. When I sleep I feel like I can be the mother that I want to be and that Levi deserves...when he keeps me up all night I want to pull the duvet over my head, and cry into a big mug of sweet, milky tea because it feels as though I am failing at everything.

So this year for Christmas, I am asking Santa for some good nights sleep to carry me into the new year and the new school term with a good perspective, not to mention a calm that can make driving seem possible too.

My degree and driving license have been on my list for years..possibly decades, and I would love to get one or both of them crossed off so I can dd something more exciting to the list for 2014!

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