This post may come as a surprise to many of you, we hadn't really told anyone we were pregnant yet. Your're supposed to wait aren't you, until its safe. Until the magic week 8 when everything is supposed to be safe. When we found out we were just so shocked, and I was so sick it felt like something we couldn't totally keep to ourselves but we were cautious. Even so, we were getting used to the idea, rather than waiting for anything to go wrong. We told our families, and started having some fun dreams together for the year ahead and the baby we would be meeting.
Sadly when I woke up this morning I knew that wasn't going to be. A familiar sensation of cramping and then bleeding told me this was over.
It's a strange thing to process when you lose something you weren't certain you wanted in the first place. It should make it easier right? I should be ok with not having a baby right now, because in the past week since the test was positive I have gone back and forth about how I feel about the whole thing. Trying to be excited but also feeling sad that jeremy and I didn't have the time together that we had wanted before adding to our family. And yet now suddenly our lives seem to be missing something.
I was certain we were having a boy. How crazy is that? At 5 1/2 weeks I don't even think the peanut itself knew what it was but I was sure. And now I am grieving a little baby I will never know, who was only a part of me for a week that I knew about. And maybe its silly, but it was already loved. I can't imagine losing a baby further along in pregnancy.
And here's a kicker. I have always had fear about not being able to have a baby, and when we got pregnant so easily, and without even meaning to I felt like I felt a sense of peace that I could rest knowing I was able to have kids. And now I am left with another fear, what if I can't keep a pregnancy? What if I lose another baby? What if that is where my infertility hides? Do I have it in me to actually try for a baby, wait to find out if we are pregnant and then wait, day to day for nine months to see if it holds? I am not sure, but I know with time we heal. It's too raw and new to think about now.
Jeremy and I leave for London tomorrow morning and I see a blessing in the timing of this trip. Time to be together, just us. A time to celebrate our marriage with friends and family. To remember what is important. We are still here. Strong together even as we stand broken-hearted at the loss of somthing we never really even knew.
It's a rainy day in Seattle today, and there is a small comfort in seeing the grey outside. Somehow I feel less alone in my sadness.