Thursday, February 11, 2010


This post may come as a surprise to many of you, we hadn't really told anyone we were pregnant yet. Your're supposed to wait aren't you, until its safe. Until the magic week 8 when everything is supposed to be safe. When we found out we were just so shocked, and I was so sick it felt like something we couldn't totally keep to ourselves but we were cautious. Even so, we were getting used to the idea, rather than waiting for anything to go wrong. We told our families, and started having some fun dreams together for the year ahead and the baby we would be meeting.

Sadly when I woke up this morning I knew that wasn't going to be. A familiar sensation of cramping and then bleeding told me this was over.

It's a strange thing to process when you lose something you weren't certain you wanted in the first place. It should make it easier right? I should be ok with not having a baby right now, because in the past week since the test was positive I have gone back and forth about how I feel about the whole thing. Trying to be excited but also feeling sad that jeremy and I didn't have the time together that we had wanted before adding to our family. And yet now suddenly our lives seem to be missing something.

I was certain we were having a boy. How crazy is that? At 5 1/2 weeks I don't even think the peanut itself knew what it was but I was sure. And now I am grieving a little baby I will never know, who was only a part of me for a week that I knew about. And maybe its silly, but it was already loved. I can't imagine losing a baby further along in pregnancy.

And here's a kicker. I have always had fear about not being able to have a baby, and when we got pregnant so easily, and without even meaning to I felt like I felt a sense of peace that I could rest knowing I was able to have kids. And now I am left with another fear, what if I can't keep a pregnancy? What if I lose another baby? What if that is where my infertility hides? Do I have it in me to actually try for a baby, wait to find out if we are pregnant and then wait, day to day for nine months to see if it holds? I am not sure, but I know with time we heal. It's too raw and new to think about now.

Jeremy and I leave for London tomorrow morning and I see a blessing in the timing of this trip. Time to be together, just us. A time to celebrate our marriage with friends and family. To remember what is important. We are still here. Strong together even as we stand broken-hearted at the loss of somthing we never really even knew.

It's a rainy day in Seattle today, and there is a small comfort in seeing the grey outside. Somehow I feel less alone in my sadness.


  1. What a whirlwind both physically and emotionally. You are not alone. The grey clouds and many friends and fellow women share your shock and grief and fear. You are loved. One day at a time...hour by hour right now.--Mel

  2. chrissie, i'm so sorry to hear the news. i'm praying for you guys as well as grieving with you. safe travels and i am praying that the Lord gives you a sweet time with jeremy and your family/friends in London.--emily wermel

  3. Praying for God to give you comfort and peace. The same thing happened to us, so I can relate to the sadness and fear. But have hope! God blessed us with a healthy pregnancy right away and now Allison is almost 7 months old. God holds a good future for you in his hands.

  4. i will be praying for you guys tonight. i will pray that God will pour His grace and love on you during this time.

  5. Oh Chrissie, I am so sorry to hear about this sad news. I love you friend! I will be praying for God's love, comfort, and peace to surround you and Jeremy. ~Denice

  6. I am so sorry for your loss, it is one that I know personally and am sorry that you had to go through it as well. I understand the fear you have of infertillity of of not being able to hold onto a baby, I had the same. A misscarriage is always hard but i think it is especially hard when it's your first because it does provoke all those fears and questions about your ability to have children. Know that God is good and that he deisres to bless you, Pslam 128 is a blessing to me in light of this. I love you lady and will pray for the healing of your loss and the healing of your fear for the furture. AND it is not weird at all that you knew this precious babe in such a short time...I knew mine he had a name and a place in this world even though his life was short, I knew him loved him and long to see him in heaven.
    Bless you sister.

    Christina Bothel

  7. chrissie, i'm so sorry to hear about this. i'm not going to pretend i have words, just wanted you to know i'm sad for you and i'm sorry for the pain you're feeling.
    much love,

  8. Oh Chrissie dear this hurts me so very much! I know what you mean, being excited yet not knowing if it's what you want and yet still not wanting it to go away! My dear dear friend my heart aches so badly for you. I pray the God of peace will guard you heart and mind so that worry does not crush your hopes. I love you and if you need anything let me know.

  9. I'm so sorry for your loss! I just stumbled across your blog...I hope that you and your husband are doing ok. I can't say that I know how you feel but I can imagine. I know I would be a mess! I pray you will find peace and healing!



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