Yesterday was one of those days. As I lay my head on my pillow, tears in my eyes from sheer exhaustion I began running through the events of the day, how did I get to this sad, tired, frustrated place? And as I thought back, the day brought a smile to my face. All of it, all of the crappy stuff that has been piling up one after the other to make me so overwhelmed actually made me smile, giggle to myself quietly so as not to wake either of my sleeping boys. In that moment I knew I had to capture this day on the blog. I hope it will be an encouragement to all the other mums who have had days like this, and also for me to look back on and remember that this season was tough. It was beautiful and amazing and tough and I don't want to let time erase all the hard parts and just leave the fluff. To remember that I did it.
So one of those days began bright and early. After being up over and over with a gassy, uncomfortable, sad baby boy all through the night. I found my self creeping downstairs in the almost dark to pump at 7am because a) the night had made Levi's schedule get all wackadoo and he had snacked but not done a full feed all night and had just fallen asleep hard so I knew he wouldn't be up for ages, b) there is nothing worse than waking up in a wet pool of milk which would have been the alternative to a) - even with breast pads in and not to mention c) The a fore mentioned wackadoo schedule meant that I felt full to bursting. I was mad, mad that I had to be awake, but knowing full well that I had no other choice.
Then having let Levi sleep because of the crazy night, he got up late and so did I. This meant he didn't eat or sleep well all day. I wish I knew better ways to keep him awake to do a full feed, but he happily doprs off to sleep after 5 minutes - except for when we are at our breastfeeding support group when he performs and feeds long and well for 30-45 minutes. I guess that means he gets in one full feed a week. Geesh. I imagine that nothing makes a mum feel like more of a failure when she can't feed her children. Strike two for the day.
And then, because of the crazy sleep I decided that it was my fault. Clearly, I have not sleep trained my 7 week old baby and so of course none of us will sleep through the night ever again. I decided that it had to change, and I had to put him to sleep in his crib in his room for naps - a place he has never in his almost two months of life spent any time because he sleeps downstairs in the swing in the day and in his bassinet in our room at night - anyway, I lay my sleeping, very in need of a nap boy down in his crib and turned on the video monitor. I kissed his almost asleep little chubby cheeks and walked away. About 30 seconds later, I watch the monitor and I see his eyes bright and big, looking around at this strange new place and suddenly the bottom lip come out and starts to quiver. His little body lets out the saddest cry I have every heard, and I hear it in stereo from the monitor and in real life. I can't take it and rush in full of kisses and apologies and I held him close.What's that? Strike three and four. Game over? Not quite!
Then that evening, I hand Levi to Jeremy and I take a shower - because let's face it, if I don't shower at night when Jeremy is here to hang out with the babe, I might not get to take one!
In the sanctuary of the shower, hot water washing away the guilt and failures of the day, I am frozen for a second. Not wanting to get out. Once I leave the bathroom, I'm on duty again, time for bedtime feeds and settling a restless baby. I realise that I genuinely cannot figure out what day it is because life has become one long wake sleep poo cycle (for Levi, just in case that wasn't clear)and that it feels like all I am doing is facilitating his bodily functions...and not doing it very well, kinda like how the guy the other night tried to facilitate the first Presidential debabte. Fail.
Eventually fully showered and clean, I rejoin my family and jump back in to motherhood with all the umph I can muster after having one of those days. And after the others are sleeping, the tears come. Because today was hard. I'm thankful it's over, and then the other moments from the day break through, the smiles the laughter, the cute cooing, the coffee date with a friend, the sunshine and it puts things into perspective. Never erasing that this was hard, but confirming that I can do it.
I am not writing this for affirmation. I know I am not failing, I know that the happy little sweetie who I blessed to mother is a sign I am doing something right, but as I said, some days are just hard.
Praying for all the mums out there who are having one of those days today. Know it will pass. Hug your little ones close, know that they love you and that tomorrow will come soon :)