Really, Monday?

There is nothing like declaring a new start to set satan coming at you in a big way. Some people might call it Sod's law, or simply coincidence, but I call it like I see it. The work of the enemy; eager to rail road any steps I am taking towards a stronger and more vibrant relationship with my God.

My resolve was so strong. Be available for God. Spend time in His word daily - make the time! Let my actions speak louder than my words.

By 6pm the headache that had been lingering all day was in a full out rage. I'm not sure if it was a result of dehydration because I had been terrible at drinking water for a couple of days and nursing a ton, or if it had something to do with the wisdom tooth that has suddenly decided to start cutting but either way it was painful and freaking me out. The voice in my head was telling me it was the start of the brain tumor diagnosis which would swiftly end my life and leave my babies motherless.

As my headache worsened, Levi who had been a little drippy (teething, maybe?) through the afternoon became lethargic and almost fell asleep in his high chair at the dinner table having refused anything except his milk. His low grade fever confirmed he wasn't feeling 100%. We put him to bed early and while he slept through most of the night he was awake a few times just talking in his crib with a few mews of "hold you mummy, hold you daddy" thrown in there to perk my hearing and alertness before he would drift back to sleep.

He and Nora seemed to be tag-teaming through the night. He would wake up and just as I was settling back to sleep, she'd wake up and need attention. She only nursed a couple of times but she had the worst gas and copious amounts of poop keeping her from settling.
Add the intense throbbing and pressure that would not let me find a comfortable position and I got next to no sleep.

In the morning we had a playdate planned but as I was getting ready to go, I started to feel lightheaded and woozie - not safe to drive with my precious cargo. The older of whom was still ever so emotional. I was fighting to make it work but in the end I gave in and called to cancel. Sad. I was looking forward to having somewhere to go and I know Levi would have loved the new space and the company of other kiddos.

It ended up being a great morning in spite of it all.

My headache subsided and even the dizziness passed. Nora took a good long nap leaving Levi and I to play and even plant out a hydrangea that had been given to us which he loved of course, any excuse to dig and get muddy outside.

It was a simple, slow, low key day. We laughed, and snuggled and enjoyed each others company. Here we are cuddled up for an episode of Bob the builder while we wait for Daddy to get home.

It's now just after 9pm. I am heading up to take a shower after I pack the diaper bag for our early start tomorrow. And then I will spend my time with the Lord. It's not perfect but it's day one so take that Monday you don't have me beat yet!

Available?

It's been quite the weekend for me spiritually. The past few months have been an increasingly dry time in my faith journey. I have felt overwhelmed with life in a way that doesn't allow for thinking about anything beyond the immediate task at hand. I have let journalling and devotionals fall by the way side as I try my best to raise our son and carry/birth/raise our our daughter. Some relationships have become a burden more than a blessing and I have let them slide in a semi-intentional way; understanding that without effort they die but feeling empty of the energy I need to invest. I have felt this tension the most in my relationship with the Lord. In this season of life when I need him more than ever before, I am allowing the busyness of life to become a barrier between us.

Over the past few days I have very much felt God's voice and prompting to come back to Him, to seek His face and to trust Him. I certainly wasn't looking for Him, and in that truth I am so thankful that His love goes beyond my humanity. He knows me so completely that his timing was perfect.

Mar 16 at 7:52 PM

It's been quite the weekend for me spiritually. The past few months have been an increasingly dry time in my faith journey. I have felt overwhelmed with life in a way that doesn't allow for thinking about anything beyond the immediate task at hand. I have let journalling and devotionals fall by the way side as I try my best to raise our son and carry/birth/raise our our daughter. Some relationships have become a burden more than a blessing and I have let them slide in a semi-intentional way; understanding that without effort they die but feeling empty of the energy I need to invest. I have felt this tension the most in my relationship with the Lord. In this season of life when I need him more than ever before, I am allowing the busyness of life to become a barrier between us. 

Over the past few days I have very much felt God's voice and prompting to come back to Him, to seek His face and to trust Him. I certainly wasn't looking for Him, and in that truth I am so thankful that His love goes beyond my humanity. He knows me so completely that his timing was perfect.

I attended the women's tea at our church yesterday afternoon with a couple of friends, a plan that had been on the calendar for a while. Its an annual event that raises funds for the women's ministry. It's an opportunity to put on a pretty frock (if you haven't just had a baby and only fit in maternity jeans), nibble on tiny sandwiches and sip tea. You sit around beautifully decorated tables and listen to a speaker share their heart. This years speaker was Kimberlee Conway Ireton. A Seattle-based mother of four, writer and speaker. She spoke about the importance of making Ebeneezer's a part of our daily lives to recognise and remember all God has done in our lives. Her talk was inspired and inspiring. The Lord spoke to me through her words; simply and gently calling me to take time for him each and every day. Building Ebeneezer's will come in time, but his call was much smaller. He just asked me to come to him. I left the tea inspired; thankful that I had heard God's voice so clearly but fearful that I would fail to make it happen.

My head was swirling.

Fast forward to the middle of the night and I am up with Nora. She is nursing and I am using my cell phone to give us some light but not enough to wake my sweet, sleeping husband. I noticed a new email in my inbox. A daily devotional from 'My Daily Bread.' They come every day and for a long time they would be the first thing I would read in the morning but recently I have been deleting them as unread so i don't have to feel guilty that I am not making time to read them. I was about to delete this message too, and flip to check what was new on Facebook at 3am, but then God's gentle nudge changed my mind. I clicked on the email and read the words inside. 

Your words were found, and I ate them - Jeremiah 15:16

The devotional asked us to contemplate the truth that in the same way our bodies crave food, our spirits crave the word of the Lord. It's certainly not a new concept for me but as my tired body digested the words I heard it anew. I know life would be different if I spent more time reading my Bible. I woke up with a renewed desire and commitment to carve out time in my day to spend with God.

I woke up to Sunday. Not a bad day to find ones self with a renewed desire for connection with the Lord. Off to church we went - arriving only ten minutes late and we were even all dressed and fed! Pastor Scott gave the sermon on the topic of being available for God. It was a really challenging message for me that seemed to be the final piece of what God had been speaking to me this weekend. How are we available to God and how do our actions reflect our faith. What kind of examples are we setting for our children? 

I have been living in my own strength, with no extra to give back. I have been a poor example of faith to my babies and that reality is one I cannot let go. By spending more time with the Lord, seeking His voice and His will for my days I know He will give me what I need to live out the life He is calling me to with grace. As I draw closer to Him, I will become more available and in turn I hope and pray that my life will become a reflection of God's love. 

I am looking forward to turning this new leaf; to beginning a new season and seeing where it takes me.

Dear Nora - One Month Old

Precious girl,

Today marks your four week and one month birthday :) So much to celebrate!

You continue to be our champion sleeper and are managing a 4 or 5 hour stretch at night which I very much appreciate. In the day you are often asleep if you are not eating. Your brother is not exactly quiet when he is playing with his hammer or his cars so  you have sadly been more disturbed, we might have to start having you nap away from the action but I will be so sad to miss watching you so peaceful as you dream.

You are doing much better with your nursing now and managing to latch with the help of the shield. You have a large appetite especially considering how little you are! I treasure those quiet moments you snuggled, warn against me and your little fingers grasping my shirt. We don't get many moments when its just the two of us so I cherish each second.

You are such a sweet heart, and for the short times you are awake your bright eyes are always shining. You have started to coo and I can see your efforts to smile too. I cannot wait until you put it all together and your face is bright with a grin - besides the ones that come from gas - although those are a sweet, sweet glimpse of the delight that is coming.

I suppose its a part of being the second born that you need to make your voice really heard above the noise that's already happening but you have a loud and impressive cry when you have a need. You are such an easy going soul so your cries are only for nasty diapers that need to be changed or more often hunger.

You are not yet in any type of routine. You can go 3 or 4 hours between feeds if you are sleeping soundly but if you are awake you want to eat all the time. Thankfully you will take a pacifier which can settle you as well as nursing. However, evenings prove to be a tough time for you to settle any other way than nursing evey ten minutes! I will take it, but I hope that you settle into more of a routine soon.

You are just starting to outgrow the newborn size onesies and jammies you have been wearing. It makes me sad to pack away your clothes but I am also proud to see you growing so well.

Baby girl, you are goring so fast, I can't believe it but its so exciting to watch.

Cutie pie, I can't imagine life without you.

Hugs and so much love
Mama x

Dear Levi - Nineteen Months Old

Dear Levi,

It's been quite the month little man. You became a big brother and you are doing a fabulous job. You like to tell people you are a big brudder" and remind them you must be "gentle" as a follow up.

Your first question when you wake up from a nap is "Nora?" wondering where she is. When we go downstairs and your eyes find her the biggest smile comes across your face and your eyes sparkle. You are often found sneaking kisses and love to "hold you" (hold her). You point out her toes and fingers, her facial features and her hair. You delight in her wriggles and yawns as well as her poopy diapers which seem to have impressed you!

It is difficult to share your mama with a new baby and you have started acting out a little. We are trying to have grace with you because we understand your cries for attention are just that and for the most part you seem happy to be distracted with some focused attention.

You have become a climber. We have found you standing on the dining room table swinging  roll of wrapping paper at the chandelier as well as on the toilet tank getting into stuff you shouldn't be! The other day you were playing in the living room and we over heard you saying, "Levi! Get down!" You have clearly heard that a lot recently!

You have developed a real love of songs and music and you urrent favourites to sing are "twinkle dar" "Bible" (Jesus love me) and "Bob de beulder" (Bob the builder theme). I love to hear your sweet voice. You are often heard in the back seat of the car or over the monitor as you are going to sleep. You are happy to hear us singing but will gladly fill in any words when we leave a gap.

Your fine motor skills have developed a lot in the past month. You are no very proficient with your spoon or fork to eat. You have started taking a later nap (going down at 12.30 or 1pm) after you have eaten lunch and have been sleeping for a couple of hours. This mean you have been going to bed later which in turn means you are eating dinner later so we an all eat together. It has been so fun to share a meal together in the evenings. We all eat the same thing which means less cooking or thinking about food for me - its wonderful!!

You continue to eat well and your favourites continue to be your pickled beets, hummus and tortillas, cucumber and turkey as well as eggs or pancakes for breakfast and strawberries and blueberries for snacks. There is little you won't eat and the past couple of days you have been happy to eat blended vegetable soup and crackers for lunch - because I have been eating the same thing.

You love to run and march around and have become really good at whizzing on your little motorcycle. And your aim getting the basketball in the hoop has evolved too.

Your sense of humor is coming out more and more too. You are so funny and love to make us laugh.

Your imaginative play is becoming more and more elaborate. You often get in your little car and tells us yo are going to Starbucks, you can recall the orders for many family members :) You know mummy has a mocha with no whip and daddy has a latte. You even manage Grandad's macchiato order!

There is so much more I could say. You are growing and changing so much every day, its hard to keep up!

Love you so much baby boy, I look forward to snuggling with you in bed in the morning while you drink your milk. It's become one of my favourite parts of the day.

Mama x

These Crazy Days...

I know that in time we will find a routine. I trust that in time things that feel impossible today will become second nature. But just in case the struggle of these early days become a blur as the days ad weeks pass it feels important to have some record of them.

Today, before 9am I had multiple moments of yelling at Levi to stop doing something, or to get out of the bathtub with his clothes on or get away from the fireplace. Ok, so the fireplace one was maybe warranted but the others were simply times of frustration on my part. He laughed. Which is infuriating! Especially when I know I am simply overtired and raising my voice feels like my last resort but still doesn't work. In those moments I felt overwhelmed by  the task of parenting my boy - and then I remember I have an infant too and I want to cry. Sometimes I do, I can't help it, the tears just come. Suddenly I am flooded with thoughts of failure and "how am I ever going to get this kid to behave the way I want him to when he just doesn't listen?" 

In saner moments I know h is only 19 months old (almost), and can look rationally at how his acting out is a mix of adjusting to life with a baby in the house; his cry for attention, and simply his age and level of development leading him to explore the world and push boundaries. But boy, in the moment it felt overwhelming and like I had ruined him.

Since Jeremy went back to work and my parents left I have had a week of solo parenting
(with a weekend reprieve) Some days life has felt do-able but I have certainly have more that have felt impossible.

How do people do this?! Two babies 18 months apart?! Are we crazy?!

I set high standards for myself generally, and when it comes to parenting, my standards are especially that way. I want to be the best for my children. This does not include yelling at them like I did today. Granted with daylight savings and a nursing baby I was functioning on about 4 hours sleep. I need to cut myself some slack but I want to keep a standard of care that I can be proud of.

I sat Levi down and apologised. He told me "hold you mummy" and gave me hugs. I think despite the laughing it had rocked him to hear me shout, especially in his direction. He needed reassurance but I hope that it also meant he forgave me. hate that he took my shouting voice into his little spirit.

In this season of Lent I am more and more aware of my own sin and my need for God and his forgiveness. Without His strength and grace I have no hope of being the parent I so want to be.

So tonight as I spend time googling methods and strategy for getting Levi to put himself to sleep, (A very necessary change we need to enforce) and with Nora sleeping soundly on my chest, I choose to believe that tomorrow will be better. I choose to forgive myself and to strive to try again with God's mercies, new every morning.

These precious babies are a gift and I believe they were uniquely designed to be in our family. I am uniquely equipped to raise them. I can do this. I am doing it. And in time I will do it better and with more grace, and less pulling my hair out.

Solo

Nora is 17 days old and nursing in my arms as I type one handed. My parents have been staying with us since Nora was born. My sweet mother has been keeping us well fed preparing tastes of home for dinner, silently doing load after load of laundry which is washed, dried and folded in piles on our bed, keeping Levi's dirty diapers washed and folded not to mention keeping me full of tea and making sure I'm eating during the day. And my parents together have been getting Levi up, dressed and fed breakfast before I have even left my bedroom in the morning, not to mention them being the eyes and ears when I am feeding  or changing the baby or when my stitches from surgery have made it impossible to get to Levi fast enough to avoid disaster. Our family has been truly blessed to have them here and saying goodbye today was really, really hard. There is just something so sweet and special about watching your parents as Grandparents. I love how well my children are loved by both sets of their Grandparents.

I'm also sad envisioning Levi running into our guest room in the morning eager to see them and play as he has done every morning for the past two weeks only to see the bed stripped and no smiling faces to greet him. As much as we talked through Nana and Grandad were leaving on an airplane, his comprehension is limited. Thankfully Skype can help the miles seems shorter and Jeremy's parents will be coming over to spend the morning with him tomorrow so he will have different adults giving him attention to lessen the blow but still, I have tears in my eyes thinking of the disappointment and confusion I know is coming in the morning.

We will see how the rest of the week goes as I try this solo parenting of a busy 18 month old and a newborn. In the moments when I feel totally overwhelmed by the prospect, I cling to the nights when I cried out to the Lord for a child. I prayed and hoped and picked my heart up, loss after loss to get to the place of God giving us our sweet boy and now this precious baby girl and I am reminded that they are indeed gifts from him. Miracles, entrusted into our care, unique individuals placed in our family to be parented by us. No mistake, no accident, but God's perfect plans coming to pass.I know He will be faithful to give me what I need.

I am sure there are days ahead when I will be pulling my hair out, when my toddler's constant boundary testing will bring me to my knees or my baby girls need to be held will drive me to distraction because of all I cannot get done one-handed but I hope that they will be balanced out with the joy of seeing Levi master a new skill or hear him say a new word or finally eat a meal without dumping his plate or throwing his food to let us know he's done, and by seeing Nora smile or roll over or do a million other cute baby things.

My dear friend Sarah dropped over dinner for us today and because Levi's bedtime has moved to a little later it worked for all of us to sit around the dinner table together and share a meal. (until now I have been feeding him first and then we eat after he goes to bed) We talked about our day and Levi was so well behaved and engaged. He joined in conversation and had us all laughing as we enjoyed a meal prepared in love for our family. Nora was nursing on my lap throughout the meal too, and we talked about what a special "first" it was for us to share a meal like this on our first night at home alone as a foursome. We hope it will become our new normal.

And that's the first of many new normals to come I am sure.

This is our life. We will find our new normal even if it takes a little time.

The future may look scary, impossible even on some days, but I know we will get by. We fought so hard to get here, I am certainly going to fight to embrace and enjoy it even in the midst of lack of sleep and lack of time for myself :) After all, that's what we signed up for, right?

Lord, equip me for tomorrow.