I want to exercise more, watch less TV, read more - especially before bed, be a better student, a better listener, spend more time outside in the beauty of the PNW.
These are not new goals, they are not even new thoughts on this blog. You have all heard me complaining for a long time about the things I want to change but can't or choose not to.
I have been thinking recently about who I want to be as a mother. I want to make these changes to be an example to my children. I want to live a life that says there is more to the world than the big box in the living room, there are books and music and nature and a huge world to discover. People and relationships come first, and community is important because we make one another better.
In my mind, having a baby would give me a reason to make some of these changes, especially the ones that would be more uncomfortable or the biggest adjustments. Why would I want to have the TV on if I had a little one to talk to, surely having a baby would give more motivation to get outside, walk more be active.
I am sure mothers reading are laughing at my naivety, my illusion of the ease of motherhood. But that's ok, it's my prerogative right as a not-yet-mother to have that. I don't want to hear about how its not so easy, or "just want and see, you'll be begging for your old life back, just one day to not have to worry about another person" I am sure that is true, but I would like to live under my illusion until the second it is shattered by sleepless nights and poopy diapers and interrupted showers. Until then, let me dream like you all did before you knew better!
Anyway, back to the point. The road of infertility has left scars, but it has also taken away my motivation to be better for myself. I had to have a focus outside of my situation to get out of bed in the morning. If I didn't hope to be a mother one day, I may just give up, what's the point. But I have that hope. So each morning I do get out of bed and on with the day. For a while, before the losses piled so high, I was motivated to change because babies were imminent or so I thought. When I read old blogs about eating better and being active, I can hear it in my words. I believed my pre-baby time was very much limited.
When I have been pregnant, I have felt so awful that I have really had to fight to do the right thing. To eat right, to take vitamins, to get out and about, I can muster it when it's for our baby, it doesn't seem like such a chore, or such a hard adjustment at all.
But now, with little hope in my heart (if I am really honest) that we will conceive naturally and uncertainty about where our journey will lead, I feel like all my mummy motivation has left the building. It seems so far away that I want to hide away and find solace and comfort in the routines of old. The bad habits and the heaviness of a desire to change but without the follow through to make it happen are old companions, faithful and constant.
I need a kick in the pants. Seriously stop it with the doom and gloom. Woe is me is so last year. So as the sun begins to finally shine I am taking charge. I know you have heard this before, I know I have said it before. But something feels different this time. I want to make these changes for myself. Yes, I want to make them for my family I want to be the mother I always pictured being but I first want to be the women I know I can be, if I choose to get uncomfortable.
Why do I think it will be easier to change when we have a baby? I wonder if it feels like more than I can handle before that. So many bad habits act as a buffer between me and the reality of my situation. Habits that brings comfort or at least numbness when sadness hits. Once we have kids, however we have them, I want to model healthy habits. The only way they get to see me handling life without using things to numb when it gets tough, is if I start working to change now. So by the time they get here I will have it down, or at least I will be further down the road of getting it!
Pray for me if you think of it - It's going to be a bumpy ride at first but I am excited to lay in bed at the end of the day and feel happy about the way I spent my day instead of having regret and "must do better" thoughts as I fall asleep.
So I am doing this for me...no waiting for babies, no holding back.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Nesting?
Yesterday I spent a lovely afternoon in my kitchen cooking up a storm of breakfast muffins, tea cakes (for the Royal Wedding celebrations tomorrow, of course!) Soup for dinner and also preparing a meal to take to some friends who just had a baby. I was almost giddy as the mixer whirred, the timer pinged and things bubbled away on the stove and baked in the oven! Love it!
This morning I woke up, cleaned the now quiet kitchen, then scrubbed the bathrooms before tackling the vacuuming and making the bed. Snack break for some Gluten Free Lemon Poppy Seed Tea Cakes and a cup of decaf brings me to now.
As I step back and look at our home, the walls we have painted, the carpet we laid, the photos on the walls and all the other things we have done to turn this house into our home. I recognise that our home has been our baby for the last couple of years. As our pregnancies failed over and over, our nesting instinct kicked in in even stronger waves and the four walls of home soaked it up.
Our house filled a couple of needs for us. It gave us a common purpose. A project (or twelve) that we could plan for, shop for (hey, on a budget retain therapy in Home Depot is sometimes as good as it gets - but I'll take it!) and it gave us time to spend together not thinking overtly anyway, about babies. There was also a different element that was important, the house projects were attainable in our own strength. If we decided that our dining room should be blue instead of orange, we painted it. When we wanted to take out the fireplace surround and re-design our mantle we did (that 'we' included J's Dad!). We could make a plan, and it would happen. So appealing in comparison to the lack of power we have in changing our lack-of-baby circumstance.
For me the last year especially has been a season of nesting. I know that late in pregnancy it is something that women deal with, preparing a space for a baby to enter. If I ever experience this as part of pregnancy, heaven help us all! I love our house to be 'company ready' at any time. So I have a pretty regular cleaning routine, making sure that things are clean and tidy. It helps that J is a bit of a neat freak because while I like things to be clean I am not uncomfortable with clutter!! We have found a happy medium!
We both consider our home a step in preparation for our family. We want a beautiful place to bring our babies home. It is our labor of love. I am under no illusion that I will care so much less about house projects once my hands are busy with caring for little ones, but I love that we can make our house beautiful in the mean time. And we are. I love our house. I love that it feels like home. I love having people here in our space and making them feel welcome. That feels like an answer to prayer, when we were almost engaged and house-hunting we asked that God would lead us to a place that would be a place of hospitality and community. Check. Prayer answered.
It has been less appealing to have a houseful while I have been more consumed with baby stuff. I suppose consumed with grief too. Who wants to be around someone who is bursting into tears at the drop of a hat? Or more so, who wants to host a houseful of people when they keep bursting into tears?! So we haven't invited as much. But a change is coming.
As winter turns to spring (we hope?) we look forward to grilling on the deck on lazy afternoons, perhaps even a long overdue house warming party?!
I am just hoping our long 'to do' list for our house keeps our hands busy until we need to be changing diapers and finger painting! My life may not be full of all the things I want today, but it is a good life, full of good things that I want to share with those I love.
Consider this an open invite - come on over...
This morning I woke up, cleaned the now quiet kitchen, then scrubbed the bathrooms before tackling the vacuuming and making the bed. Snack break for some Gluten Free Lemon Poppy Seed Tea Cakes and a cup of decaf brings me to now.
As I step back and look at our home, the walls we have painted, the carpet we laid, the photos on the walls and all the other things we have done to turn this house into our home. I recognise that our home has been our baby for the last couple of years. As our pregnancies failed over and over, our nesting instinct kicked in in even stronger waves and the four walls of home soaked it up.
Our house filled a couple of needs for us. It gave us a common purpose. A project (or twelve) that we could plan for, shop for (hey, on a budget retain therapy in Home Depot is sometimes as good as it gets - but I'll take it!) and it gave us time to spend together not thinking overtly anyway, about babies. There was also a different element that was important, the house projects were attainable in our own strength. If we decided that our dining room should be blue instead of orange, we painted it. When we wanted to take out the fireplace surround and re-design our mantle we did (that 'we' included J's Dad!). We could make a plan, and it would happen. So appealing in comparison to the lack of power we have in changing our lack-of-baby circumstance.
For me the last year especially has been a season of nesting. I know that late in pregnancy it is something that women deal with, preparing a space for a baby to enter. If I ever experience this as part of pregnancy, heaven help us all! I love our house to be 'company ready' at any time. So I have a pretty regular cleaning routine, making sure that things are clean and tidy. It helps that J is a bit of a neat freak because while I like things to be clean I am not uncomfortable with clutter!! We have found a happy medium!
We both consider our home a step in preparation for our family. We want a beautiful place to bring our babies home. It is our labor of love. I am under no illusion that I will care so much less about house projects once my hands are busy with caring for little ones, but I love that we can make our house beautiful in the mean time. And we are. I love our house. I love that it feels like home. I love having people here in our space and making them feel welcome. That feels like an answer to prayer, when we were almost engaged and house-hunting we asked that God would lead us to a place that would be a place of hospitality and community. Check. Prayer answered.
It has been less appealing to have a houseful while I have been more consumed with baby stuff. I suppose consumed with grief too. Who wants to be around someone who is bursting into tears at the drop of a hat? Or more so, who wants to host a houseful of people when they keep bursting into tears?! So we haven't invited as much. But a change is coming.
As winter turns to spring (we hope?) we look forward to grilling on the deck on lazy afternoons, perhaps even a long overdue house warming party?!
I am just hoping our long 'to do' list for our house keeps our hands busy until we need to be changing diapers and finger painting! My life may not be full of all the things I want today, but it is a good life, full of good things that I want to share with those I love.
Consider this an open invite - come on over...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
What's for Dinner Wednesday - Lemon Lentil Soup
I love, love, love the tastes of fall and winter. The soups and stews that offer warmth and comfort in the cooler weather are always what I am in the mood for when it comes to dinner time. However, in spite of the weather not realising that it is well into spring, I am determined to try and break out some spring-ier ingredients.
It is my last meal post for April, so I wanted the lentil theme to go out with a bang! This was originally a recipe I got given by a friend, who I believe got it from another friend so I am not sure who gets the credit for this delicious dish but tonight for dinner we had Lemon Lentil Soup.
This dish is delicious, and so simple with only a few ingredients. It is not only a fabulous experience for your taste buds, it is also a treat for the nose. After the onions and cumin have cooked and you add the lentils, lemon zest and broth it wafts the most amazing fresh, citrus scent!
I hope that your home will be filled with the scents of spring, as your tummy gets full of this wonderful soup. It's simplicity is only part of it's charm. Enjoy.
Ingredients
3 medium onions, chopped
3 garlic cloves, or 4 if you love garlic like we do!
2 tbs olive oil
1 1/2 tsp ground cumin
2 C red lentils, washed and drained
7 C water or vegetable stock
2 bay leaves
1 lemon zest cut into thin strips
3/4 cup lemon juice
1 1/2 tsp sea salt
lemon slices for garnish
cilantro
Directions
1. In a large pot, heat the oil and then saute the onions and garlic until soft, about 8 minutes. Add the cumin and saute for another minute.
2. Add lentils, water or stock, bay leaves and lemon strips.
3. Bring to a boil, cover, lower heat and let simmer 45 minutes to 1 hour or until lentils are tender.
4.Add lemon juice and salt. Cook for a few more minutes.
5. Garnish with thinly sliced lemon rounds and chopped cilantro.
It is my last meal post for April, so I wanted the lentil theme to go out with a bang! This was originally a recipe I got given by a friend, who I believe got it from another friend so I am not sure who gets the credit for this delicious dish but tonight for dinner we had Lemon Lentil Soup.
This dish is delicious, and so simple with only a few ingredients. It is not only a fabulous experience for your taste buds, it is also a treat for the nose. After the onions and cumin have cooked and you add the lentils, lemon zest and broth it wafts the most amazing fresh, citrus scent!
I hope that your home will be filled with the scents of spring, as your tummy gets full of this wonderful soup. It's simplicity is only part of it's charm. Enjoy.
Ingredients
3 medium onions, chopped
3 garlic cloves, or 4 if you love garlic like we do!
2 tbs olive oil
1 1/2 tsp ground cumin
2 C red lentils, washed and drained
7 C water or vegetable stock
2 bay leaves
1 lemon zest cut into thin strips
3/4 cup lemon juice
1 1/2 tsp sea salt
lemon slices for garnish
cilantro
Directions
1. In a large pot, heat the oil and then saute the onions and garlic until soft, about 8 minutes. Add the cumin and saute for another minute.
2. Add lentils, water or stock, bay leaves and lemon strips.
3. Bring to a boil, cover, lower heat and let simmer 45 minutes to 1 hour or until lentils are tender.
4.Add lemon juice and salt. Cook for a few more minutes.
5. Garnish with thinly sliced lemon rounds and chopped cilantro.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Took a while to get here, and we're not done yet
Moving away from your life at 23 across the world and starting over was never in my life plan. Actually I never really had much of a life plan at all. I saw myself finishing school, being a teacher, getting married, having kids and living in the same place I grew up...my kids going to the same schools I did, having the same opportunities and being a art of the same community.
Not that this was a bad plan, or would have been a bad life. Actually, I think it would have been a pretty great life.
Anxiety disorder shifted the plans of teaching when attending university was suddenly not a plausible reality and the dream of marriage with the boy I loved in a very Dawson and Joey type of way ended.
Suddenly, the few plans I had fell away and I felt exposed and so very vulnerable. When my health began to improve, and there was light and possibility in my world again I felt very calm about the new purpose I had discovered for life. Nothing specific, but I just knew that I had been healed, through the prayers and love of my family and church and there was a greater purpose for my life now. More than just picking up where I had left off.
This was when I found information about YWAM and got connected with the organization which would be the vessel through which Jesus decided to completely shatter what I thought I knew, and rebuild my heart in His image.
I headed to Seattle and from there to Thailand, China, and Zambia, with stops in Canada, Costa Rica, Texas, California, Montana, Connecticut too. All these places, were a part of the story. Meetings with people who'd God given passions and gifts challenged, inspired and changed me. Times of worship that allowed me freedom to find expressions of worship that were my own. Ministry opportunities which dragged me from my comfort zone and forced my hands to gt dirty in ways that humbled me to the core and revealed my still selfish and fearful heart.
My experience taught me how to serve; how to love and how to pray. I had the opportunity to walk with others on their faith journey, to challenge them, and even more be challenged myself. I found a passion for discipleship, and passion to see others step more fully in the story God was writing with their lives and it continues to be a joy and blessing to watch their lives, God at work, as we remain in touch.
In those years I discovered a passion for Africa, and for the beauty of that nation. A part of life God continues to shape and refine and a chapter God is not done with yet.
I have no regrets of my time in ministry. Some of those I worked with left with hurts and frustrations. Anger even at God, and what their service had cost them. I feel so blessed that my story is different. I am not sure why I came out unscathed but I am thankful that is the case. My life changed for the better because of my experiences and because of the people that were my family for so many years.
For a long time I felt a big divide between the life i had known in England and the new life I had here. I wasn't sure how the two connected and I felt the strain of being a link between two different worlds but over time and thanks to technology and therapy this is much less of an issue.
I have had a good life, in England and in Seattle, I have had a good life. I have had good friends, constantly been surrounded with people to laugh with and people who wanted to know me and were open to being known by me.
Just yesterday I took a brief trip down memory lane commenting on a photo taken on my last day of high school, a friend had posted and another friend and I went back and forth laughing about our adventures and especially one memorable teacher (thanks Fahan and Nicola), It made me feel all warm. I miss home, and yet, I am home.
I miss England. I am sad that I miss family gatherings, birthday bar-B-Q's. I am sad that while many of my high school friends remain close, the distance has prevented that from being my story. I will miss terribly being around for the hype of the Royal wedding. For a little country, the air is electric for events like that, or football matches, or 'who shot Phil Mitchell' episodes of Eastenders. There are so many, many wonderful things about the place I was raised. My love of celebration comes from my upbringing for sure, my understanding of church as community is rooted in the decades of attendance at SBC, But I bring it all with me.
I brought what life in England had formed and allowed Seattle to continue to shape me. While I hope, leaving a little of the lessons from England on those I meet here...and so it continues. Life, that is. And life is Good.
Been thinking a lot about how I got here. To today. Funny how they bad stuff is easily forgotten, but the good still makes me smile.
Not that this was a bad plan, or would have been a bad life. Actually, I think it would have been a pretty great life.
Anxiety disorder shifted the plans of teaching when attending university was suddenly not a plausible reality and the dream of marriage with the boy I loved in a very Dawson and Joey type of way ended.
Suddenly, the few plans I had fell away and I felt exposed and so very vulnerable. When my health began to improve, and there was light and possibility in my world again I felt very calm about the new purpose I had discovered for life. Nothing specific, but I just knew that I had been healed, through the prayers and love of my family and church and there was a greater purpose for my life now. More than just picking up where I had left off.
This was when I found information about YWAM and got connected with the organization which would be the vessel through which Jesus decided to completely shatter what I thought I knew, and rebuild my heart in His image.
I headed to Seattle and from there to Thailand, China, and Zambia, with stops in Canada, Costa Rica, Texas, California, Montana, Connecticut too. All these places, were a part of the story. Meetings with people who'd God given passions and gifts challenged, inspired and changed me. Times of worship that allowed me freedom to find expressions of worship that were my own. Ministry opportunities which dragged me from my comfort zone and forced my hands to gt dirty in ways that humbled me to the core and revealed my still selfish and fearful heart.
My experience taught me how to serve; how to love and how to pray. I had the opportunity to walk with others on their faith journey, to challenge them, and even more be challenged myself. I found a passion for discipleship, and passion to see others step more fully in the story God was writing with their lives and it continues to be a joy and blessing to watch their lives, God at work, as we remain in touch.
In those years I discovered a passion for Africa, and for the beauty of that nation. A part of life God continues to shape and refine and a chapter God is not done with yet.
I have no regrets of my time in ministry. Some of those I worked with left with hurts and frustrations. Anger even at God, and what their service had cost them. I feel so blessed that my story is different. I am not sure why I came out unscathed but I am thankful that is the case. My life changed for the better because of my experiences and because of the people that were my family for so many years.
For a long time I felt a big divide between the life i had known in England and the new life I had here. I wasn't sure how the two connected and I felt the strain of being a link between two different worlds but over time and thanks to technology and therapy this is much less of an issue.
I have had a good life, in England and in Seattle, I have had a good life. I have had good friends, constantly been surrounded with people to laugh with and people who wanted to know me and were open to being known by me.
Just yesterday I took a brief trip down memory lane commenting on a photo taken on my last day of high school, a friend had posted and another friend and I went back and forth laughing about our adventures and especially one memorable teacher (thanks Fahan and Nicola), It made me feel all warm. I miss home, and yet, I am home.
I miss England. I am sad that I miss family gatherings, birthday bar-B-Q's. I am sad that while many of my high school friends remain close, the distance has prevented that from being my story. I will miss terribly being around for the hype of the Royal wedding. For a little country, the air is electric for events like that, or football matches, or 'who shot Phil Mitchell' episodes of Eastenders. There are so many, many wonderful things about the place I was raised. My love of celebration comes from my upbringing for sure, my understanding of church as community is rooted in the decades of attendance at SBC, But I bring it all with me.
I brought what life in England had formed and allowed Seattle to continue to shape me. While I hope, leaving a little of the lessons from England on those I meet here...and so it continues. Life, that is. And life is Good.
Been thinking a lot about how I got here. To today. Funny how they bad stuff is easily forgotten, but the good still makes me smile.
Monday, April 25, 2011
From the 'if ' to the 'when' - Happy Easter
The last week of the month, and our financial Peace University lessons have finished now but we are still learning the ropes of budgeting. I say that because we are in the final week of April, and will be relying on Easter leftovers to keep us on budget! ha ha
We celebrated Easter at our church yesterday morning and it was exciting to launch our Spilling Hope Campaign for the third year. As a community we are challenged to live Simply, save money and the at the end of 50 days, Give generously toward building wells in Uganda, Africa. The message of being a New Creation continues to ring loudly in my head.
I am a New Creation. In Christ's death and resurrection, I am made new. What does that look like in my day to day life? I am pretty sure I am not living in a way that shouts of this new life.
Last night in a moment of tears and yet another round of "why is this so hard?" questioning, Jeremy held me tight and simply said, "You will be a mother someday and you will be a great mother. It will happen. We will have a child. You can relax because we know someday, someway it will happen." (that may not be totally verbatim but it's close) I am not sure what was different from many other conversation we have had but something was. He is always an anchor when my heart is feeling tossed by the storm. I believe it was in part the result of the prayer deep in my heart to get unstuck. To move past just the sadness and the fear of the "what if's?"
Last fall when we first began to face the truth that baby making may not be the simple process it can be for others I started many of my sentences with "when we have a baby..." I was sad but far from hopeless. I had questions and wonderings, but I had dreams. Big beautiful dreams about our life with a baby.
Over time. Through losses and tears the 'whens' turned into 'ifs.'
The combination of the Easter Sunday message of hope and possibility, the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than myself that go a little way to making God visible in a world that needs Him so much, my prayer to be lifted out of the sorrow, and Jeremy's strength and calm voice speaking truth worked together to remind me that I can stop fretting. I can get rid of the 'if' and replace it again with the 'when.'
Life can go on. I have room for the things I am passionate about, I can fill out today with joy and laughter as God writes the story of our family. I have nothing to fear. I believe God has spoken motherhood over my life, parenthood over our marriage, and I do not need to fret or panic or 'if.' I can rest in the peace that God holds the 'how' and the 'when.' His plans are beautiful and perfect. And so is my life.
In the midst of the tears and the loss, there is life and love and lots of laughter. There are friends and family, possibility and passions and purpose. I have that today, in the moment. I have new life, everyday, because of what Jesus did on the cross. I just have to chose to step into it.
I am under no illusion that fear has totally left the building, or that I will not have wobbly days in the future. But I do feel as though a weight lifted from my shoulders yesterday. Now I get to step out in the freedom of this new life every day. And for the next 50 days (at least) Living Simply, to save to Give Generously!
He is Risen, He is Risen indeed.
I hope you all had a very special and happy Easter, and that you too know the blessing and hope that Jesus brings.
A snap of us enjoying lunch - would you believe we tried this shot a dozen times, and this was the best of the bunch. Seems you can't put a plate of food in front of my hubby without him eating...and we all know how eating shots turn out...well, they turn out like this, and this...!! Ha ha
We celebrated Easter at our church yesterday morning and it was exciting to launch our Spilling Hope Campaign for the third year. As a community we are challenged to live Simply, save money and the at the end of 50 days, Give generously toward building wells in Uganda, Africa. The message of being a New Creation continues to ring loudly in my head.
I am a New Creation. In Christ's death and resurrection, I am made new. What does that look like in my day to day life? I am pretty sure I am not living in a way that shouts of this new life.
Last night in a moment of tears and yet another round of "why is this so hard?" questioning, Jeremy held me tight and simply said, "You will be a mother someday and you will be a great mother. It will happen. We will have a child. You can relax because we know someday, someway it will happen." (that may not be totally verbatim but it's close) I am not sure what was different from many other conversation we have had but something was. He is always an anchor when my heart is feeling tossed by the storm. I believe it was in part the result of the prayer deep in my heart to get unstuck. To move past just the sadness and the fear of the "what if's?"
Last fall when we first began to face the truth that baby making may not be the simple process it can be for others I started many of my sentences with "when we have a baby..." I was sad but far from hopeless. I had questions and wonderings, but I had dreams. Big beautiful dreams about our life with a baby.
Over time. Through losses and tears the 'whens' turned into 'ifs.'
The combination of the Easter Sunday message of hope and possibility, the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than myself that go a little way to making God visible in a world that needs Him so much, my prayer to be lifted out of the sorrow, and Jeremy's strength and calm voice speaking truth worked together to remind me that I can stop fretting. I can get rid of the 'if' and replace it again with the 'when.'
Life can go on. I have room for the things I am passionate about, I can fill out today with joy and laughter as God writes the story of our family. I have nothing to fear. I believe God has spoken motherhood over my life, parenthood over our marriage, and I do not need to fret or panic or 'if.' I can rest in the peace that God holds the 'how' and the 'when.' His plans are beautiful and perfect. And so is my life.
In the midst of the tears and the loss, there is life and love and lots of laughter. There are friends and family, possibility and passions and purpose. I have that today, in the moment. I have new life, everyday, because of what Jesus did on the cross. I just have to chose to step into it.
I am under no illusion that fear has totally left the building, or that I will not have wobbly days in the future. But I do feel as though a weight lifted from my shoulders yesterday. Now I get to step out in the freedom of this new life every day. And for the next 50 days (at least) Living Simply, to save to Give Generously!
He is Risen, He is Risen indeed.
I hope you all had a very special and happy Easter, and that you too know the blessing and hope that Jesus brings.
A snap of us enjoying lunch - would you believe we tried this shot a dozen times, and this was the best of the bunch. Seems you can't put a plate of food in front of my hubby without him eating...and we all know how eating shots turn out...well, they turn out like this, and this...!! Ha ha
Friday, April 22, 2011
"Daddy? Is it true?!"
There is a Disney commercial on TV here that has home video recording of children's responses when their parents surprise them that they are going to visit a Disney Park. It has been an emotional week for me and as a cry-er on the most stable of days these commercials have been torture! But one little girl gets me every time. She looks up at her Dad and asks him with joyful and hopeful anticipation, "Daddy, is it true?" (I can't find the commercial to post it, but I will keep looking because it is precious)
After we had made the decision to start our family, I had complete faith that when it came time each month we would be pregnant. And for months this was indeed our experience. Even when the pregnancies ended early in miscarriage, every time we tried we could get pregnant. This felt like proof God was with us. The miracle that a baby was beginning to grow was a miracle, God was present in our life, and even in my body. With each miscarriage while we were sad and our heart's hurt but we trusted that God was with us.
Now with each month that passes with no pregnancy I feel distant from God. As each negative test gets thrown away with the trash I feel more numb. I have forgotten what it feels like to be pregnant. I have forgotten the hope that comes with the positive test. Now instead I have the expectation that we are not going to get pregnant. I look to the future and see IVF. I see empty, sad, confused years ahead. I don't know what happened. I have lost focus. I feel like a bystander in my own life.
I am trying to be present, and that can work for short periods of time. But then the thoughts return and the emptiness takes hold.
I cannot think beyond having a child. I have become that woman. The one I always felt sorry for, who had no other ambition in her life, who could not appreciate what she had because she wasn't a mother. But now I know that when you want something so badly it can consume you. It bleeds into every other aspect of life and it refuses to be silent. I am a mother, I just do not have a child yet. Something is missing.
Yet, I also have so much. It's a tough balance, and recently I have not been doing a good job at finding it. A really bad job. I know hormones change the way we view the world, and I cannot deny they play a part, but I do not believe they are totally to blame! I still have to fight for truth to be circulating in my brain instead of fear. Telling myself "I can". I think I needed to hit bottom this week to jolt me back to restoring some balance.
I want to be content, I want my hands to be open and ready for God's plan to come to fruition but I have forgotten what it is like to experience God's hand in my life in a way that makes me look to him and gasp, "Daddy, is it true?"
Sometimes it will he harder to do, some days will be hard and disappointing. We will be confused. But God IS good, all the time.
My prayer today, on this Good Friday is to again die to my own plans. To let go of the limits I put on God and once again expect and anticipate his goodness in my life; miracles beyond what I can imagine. Easter is a season in which we are reminded of God's perfect plans, His powerful love for us, His beautiful Sovereignty and the life he gives.
What a beautiful day. Let us not forget all Jesus did to give us abundant life. Thanks you Lord. Reveal yourself to us all anew.
After we had made the decision to start our family, I had complete faith that when it came time each month we would be pregnant. And for months this was indeed our experience. Even when the pregnancies ended early in miscarriage, every time we tried we could get pregnant. This felt like proof God was with us. The miracle that a baby was beginning to grow was a miracle, God was present in our life, and even in my body. With each miscarriage while we were sad and our heart's hurt but we trusted that God was with us.
Now with each month that passes with no pregnancy I feel distant from God. As each negative test gets thrown away with the trash I feel more numb. I have forgotten what it feels like to be pregnant. I have forgotten the hope that comes with the positive test. Now instead I have the expectation that we are not going to get pregnant. I look to the future and see IVF. I see empty, sad, confused years ahead. I don't know what happened. I have lost focus. I feel like a bystander in my own life.
I am trying to be present, and that can work for short periods of time. But then the thoughts return and the emptiness takes hold.
I cannot think beyond having a child. I have become that woman. The one I always felt sorry for, who had no other ambition in her life, who could not appreciate what she had because she wasn't a mother. But now I know that when you want something so badly it can consume you. It bleeds into every other aspect of life and it refuses to be silent. I am a mother, I just do not have a child yet. Something is missing.
Yet, I also have so much. It's a tough balance, and recently I have not been doing a good job at finding it. A really bad job. I know hormones change the way we view the world, and I cannot deny they play a part, but I do not believe they are totally to blame! I still have to fight for truth to be circulating in my brain instead of fear. Telling myself "I can". I think I needed to hit bottom this week to jolt me back to restoring some balance.
I want to be content, I want my hands to be open and ready for God's plan to come to fruition but I have forgotten what it is like to experience God's hand in my life in a way that makes me look to him and gasp, "Daddy, is it true?"
Sometimes it will he harder to do, some days will be hard and disappointing. We will be confused. But God IS good, all the time.
My prayer today, on this Good Friday is to again die to my own plans. To let go of the limits I put on God and once again expect and anticipate his goodness in my life; miracles beyond what I can imagine. Easter is a season in which we are reminded of God's perfect plans, His powerful love for us, His beautiful Sovereignty and the life he gives.
What a beautiful day. Let us not forget all Jesus did to give us abundant life. Thanks you Lord. Reveal yourself to us all anew.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
What's for Dinner Wednesday - Lentil Stuffed Zucchini
When I was planning a menu this week and wanting a lentil recipe, I was trying to move away from the soup recipes I am naturally drawn to (I am a soup fiend). I try to use lentils in pace of ground beef when I can, it's cheaper and healthier and texture-wise can be a pretty good substitute.
One of Jeremy's favorite foods is stuffed peppers so I have been on the search for a good recipe but have yet to actually prepare them dinner. However, I got some beautiful zucchini in my produce box this week and began to wonder if anyone had ever thought to stuff those?! After a page of Google search results I concluded this was not a new idea and felt more confident to try it out!
There were a few recipes using ground beef and a few that even used lentils so I grabbed ideas from here and there and came up with this.
Recipe (3-6 servings depending on how hungry you are!)
1/3 C brown lentils
1/2 C red wine
1/2 C water
1 Carrot, finely chopped
1 rib of Celery, finely chopped
1/2 C Onion, finely chopped
1/2 roasted red pepper, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 bay leaf
3 medium zucchini (or enough for those you are cooking for - you can freeze the extra filling for a quick dinner option in the future)
1/4 C tomato paste
1/4 C finely chopped walnuts
2 Tbsp finely minced fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 tsp dried Thyme
1/4 tsp dried Tarragon
1/4 tsp black pepper, plus a little bit more for topping
Salt to taste
1/4 C grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 C breadcrumbs OR for the Gluten-freers 1/4 C crushed Rice Krispies or Corn Flakes
Combine the lentils, wine, water, carrot, celery, onion, bell pepper, garlic, and bay leaf in a large saucepan. Cover and simmer over medium-high heat until the lentils are tender and the liquid is absorbed, about 30 minutes. Don't let the mixture get too dry!
Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350° F. Lightly oil an 9-by-13-inch baking pan. Bring a large pot of water to a boil over high heat; add the zucchini and cook for 15 minutes, until just tender. Drain and cool slightly.
Trim the ends and slice each zucchini in half lengthwise. Use a spoon to scoop out about half of the inside of the zucchini, leaving a 1/4 inch thick shell. Arrange the zucchini shells in the prepared pan and sprinkle with salt and freshly ground pepper.
When the lentils are cooked, remove the bay leaf. Stir in the remaining ingredients, except the Parmesan and bread crumbs.
Stir together the Parmesan, bread crumbs, and a dash of pepper in a small bowl.
Spread about 2 tablespoons of the lentil mixture into each zucchini half. Sprinkle with the Parmesan mixture.
Bake for 30 minutes or until the zucchini are completely tender and the cheese is melted.
Note* This was a HIT for dinner tonight! I might use a little less tomato paste next time and a little more cheese on top, mozzarella would work well in the topping. The crushed Rice krispies worked well as a substitute for breadcrumbs in the gluten free option I made. Enjoy!
One of Jeremy's favorite foods is stuffed peppers so I have been on the search for a good recipe but have yet to actually prepare them dinner. However, I got some beautiful zucchini in my produce box this week and began to wonder if anyone had ever thought to stuff those?! After a page of Google search results I concluded this was not a new idea and felt more confident to try it out!
There were a few recipes using ground beef and a few that even used lentils so I grabbed ideas from here and there and came up with this.
Recipe (3-6 servings depending on how hungry you are!)
1/3 C brown lentils
1/2 C red wine
1/2 C water
1 Carrot, finely chopped
1 rib of Celery, finely chopped
1/2 C Onion, finely chopped
1/2 roasted red pepper, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 bay leaf
3 medium zucchini (or enough for those you are cooking for - you can freeze the extra filling for a quick dinner option in the future)
1/4 C tomato paste
1/4 C finely chopped walnuts
2 Tbsp finely minced fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 tsp dried Thyme
1/4 tsp dried Tarragon
1/4 tsp black pepper, plus a little bit more for topping
Salt to taste
1/4 C grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 C breadcrumbs OR for the Gluten-freers 1/4 C crushed Rice Krispies or Corn Flakes
Combine the lentils, wine, water, carrot, celery, onion, bell pepper, garlic, and bay leaf in a large saucepan. Cover and simmer over medium-high heat until the lentils are tender and the liquid is absorbed, about 30 minutes. Don't let the mixture get too dry!
Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350° F. Lightly oil an 9-by-13-inch baking pan. Bring a large pot of water to a boil over high heat; add the zucchini and cook for 15 minutes, until just tender. Drain and cool slightly.
Trim the ends and slice each zucchini in half lengthwise. Use a spoon to scoop out about half of the inside of the zucchini, leaving a 1/4 inch thick shell. Arrange the zucchini shells in the prepared pan and sprinkle with salt and freshly ground pepper.
When the lentils are cooked, remove the bay leaf. Stir in the remaining ingredients, except the Parmesan and bread crumbs.
Stir together the Parmesan, bread crumbs, and a dash of pepper in a small bowl.
Spread about 2 tablespoons of the lentil mixture into each zucchini half. Sprinkle with the Parmesan mixture.
Bake for 30 minutes or until the zucchini are completely tender and the cheese is melted.
Note* This was a HIT for dinner tonight! I might use a little less tomato paste next time and a little more cheese on top, mozzarella would work well in the topping. The crushed Rice krispies worked well as a substitute for breadcrumbs in the gluten free option I made. Enjoy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
