Friday, April 29, 2011

Holding back

I want to exercise more, watch less TV, read more - especially before bed, be a better student, a better listener, spend more time outside in the beauty of the PNW.

These are not new goals, they are not even new thoughts on this blog. You have all heard me complaining for a long time about the things I want to change but can't or choose not to.

I have been thinking recently about who I want to be as a mother. I want to make these changes to be an example to my children. I want to live a life that says there is more to the world than the big box in the living room, there are books and music and nature and a huge world to discover. People and relationships come first, and community is important because we make one another better.

In my mind, having a baby would give me a reason to make some of these changes, especially the ones that would be more uncomfortable or the biggest adjustments. Why would I want to have the TV on if I had a little one to talk to, surely having a baby would give more motivation to get outside, walk more be active.

I am sure mothers reading are laughing at my naivety, my illusion of the ease of motherhood. But that's ok, it's my prerogative right as a not-yet-mother to have that. I don't want to hear about how its not so easy, or "just want and see, you'll be begging for your old life back, just one day to not have to worry about another person" I am sure that is true, but I would like to live under my illusion until the second it is shattered by sleepless nights and poopy diapers and interrupted showers. Until then, let me dream like you all did before you knew better!

Anyway, back to the point. The road of infertility has left scars, but it has also taken away my motivation to be better for myself. I had to have a focus outside of my situation to get out of bed in the morning. If I didn't hope to be a mother one day, I may just give up, what's the point. But I have that hope. So each morning I do get out of bed and on with the day. For a while, before the losses piled so high, I was motivated to change because babies were imminent or so I thought. When I read old blogs about eating better and being active, I can hear it in my words. I believed my pre-baby time was very much limited.

When I have been pregnant, I have felt so awful that I have really had to fight to do the right thing. To eat right, to take vitamins, to get out and about, I can muster it when it's for our baby, it doesn't seem like such a chore, or such a hard adjustment at all.

But now, with little hope in my heart (if I am really honest) that we will conceive naturally and uncertainty about where our journey will lead, I feel like all my mummy motivation has left the building. It seems so far away that I want to hide away and find solace and comfort in the routines of old. The bad habits and the heaviness of a desire to change but without the follow through to make it happen are old companions, faithful and constant.

I need a kick in the pants. Seriously stop it with the doom and gloom. Woe is me is so last year. So as the sun begins to finally shine I am taking charge. I know you have heard this before, I know I have said it before. But something feels different this time. I want to make these changes for myself. Yes, I want to make them for my family I want to be the mother I always pictured being but I first want to be the women I know I can be, if I choose to get uncomfortable.

Why do I think it will be easier to change when we have a baby? I wonder if it feels like more than I can handle before that. So many bad habits act as a buffer between me and the reality of my situation. Habits that brings comfort or at least numbness when sadness hits. Once we have kids, however we have them, I want to model healthy habits. The only way they get to see me handling life without using things to numb when it gets tough, is if I start working to change now. So by the time they get here I will have it down, or at least I will be further down the road of getting it!

Pray for me if you think of it - It's going to be a bumpy ride at first but I am excited to lay in bed at the end of the day and feel happy about the way I spent my day instead of having regret and "must do better" thoughts as I fall asleep.

So I am doing this for waiting for babies, no holding back.

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