Over the past year, through our infertility journey my faith has been stretched more than ever before but I believe that I am being molded and shaped with every tear into more of God's design. In my early 20's I weathered the storm of severe anxiety and was forced to re-evaluate my life, my goals and my identity. It was so hard but I was able to endure and emerge transformed by God's grace and the love of my family and community. That had the potential to be such a dark season of my life, but from it I began my journey to YWAM, to Seattle, to discipleship, to Jeremy, to who person I am today. I can be nothing but thankful for that season of life, even though it was so scary and painful in the moment.
I am hopeful that this season of heartache is another time I will look back on as the birth of a new direction, a new purpose. In the midst of my anxiety I turned to God because I had no where else to turn. I read my Bible more than ever, I prayed more than ever and I heard the Lord more frequently than ever before. I needed that concentrated time with Him to build the intimacy I needed to trust when he told me to get on a plane and fly across the world alone for 6 months. And I had no fear about that decision, and no fear surrounding leaving, just peace. His peace.
I long for that closeness again. I have been more consistent in my quiet times this year so far than in a long time. I am making an intentional effort to pray, and journal prayers so I can see where God is working in my life and the lives of others. I have to make time with Him a priority, and I can trust that as I meet him I will be refreshed and renewed. Fruit will come. It is coming already in so many ways.
Below is a verse from the passage in my devotional this morning and I just appreciated the confirmation that as we plant ourselves in God he will grow us. We will have different seasons, a springtime of budding, a summer of blooming and then a fall of loss and a winter of preparation. Just as the plants need the seasons to be all they can be, so do I. Just as the rains are falling in Seattle this spring watering the plants and feeding them, getting them ready to blossom so I need to let His word water me; flood my spirit as I feel so dry.
"Along both banks of the river, fruit trees of every kind shall grow;
their leaves shall not fade, nor their fruit fail.
Every month they shall bear fresh fruit,
for they shall be watered by the flow from the sanctuary." Ez 47:12
Through all the seasons I must draw my sustenance from Him; from His word, from His teaching, from his hope and peace and joy. When life is uncertain, He is constant.