At church on Sunday our Pastor spoke about the identity of Israel as a people who spent their time striving to get the blessing that God had already promised them or being complacent that their actions didn't matter because they were the chosen people. Never just receiving the blessing.
Even today, we as God's children tend to fall into one of those categories - we are either trying to do so much and be and do 'enough'. Or we sit back and let our lives be nothing that reflects God because we know we are going to heaven. Where do you fit?
I think my nature is more a strive-r and a do-er. I want to be the best to earn my spot in heaven. I want to know God is happy and satisfied with what I have done abd I live under a shadow of never feeling like I am doing enough.
This is a season of God reminding me that He is in control of my life. I feel as if I am inbetween things in my life. I am not in YWAM anymore, and I am not in school yet. I feel like I am flailing and trying to find something to attach my self-worth to. Three days a week, when I am not working outside our home, being in our house can feel so stressful. I feel surrounded and fenced in by endless things that need to be cleaned, organised or simply thought about - more than could be done in a month of Sundays.
I have moments of feeling, "how did this become my life?", "What is my purpose?", and I begin to feel some resentment - or a less serious word with the same meaning - towards Jeremy for being able to go out in the morning and do a job he enjoys and feels challenged by. When he comes home, and my 'job' is to make dinner I feel frustrated. I didn't choose this. I want to be spending my days fulfilled and returning home in the evening to 'fight' over who makes dinner! (I am now hearing the fake fiddle being played over some shoulders. I know I have it good - more than good, but I am a strive-er and it's not good enough.)
It's not even that I dislike cleaning (I know, crazy but I really enjoy it sometimes) and I love, love, love to cook but my struggle come from the feeling that this as a role I am stuck in and not one I am choosing.
With thoughts of Sunday's sermon running thought my mind as well as the lessons of standing at the crossroads, looking at asking from the retreat I felt like I had a possible solution to these feelings. Monday morning, and each day since I have made time at the beginning of the day at sit and ask God, "what do you ask of me today?"
As I have waited on him, I hear his heart for my day. When he says, "you are a homemaker and a wife" I find peace and rest as I am finishing the sixth load of laundry. I have a difference countenance as I vacuum and it's partnered with a renewed appreciation for the blessing of our home. I prepare dinner for us and I can't wait for Jeremy to taste what I am making!
On Tuesday I went to work, and found a renewed appreciation for the job I get to do in caring for this little angel! Lucy is almost a year old and each moment holds a new discovery. What an honour to get to see her grow and learn about the world.
It has just taken a moment each day to give to the Lord, and ask for his call on my life that day. When I am feeling like I don't have a purpose, I just need to ask God to give me his.
After the day is done, I get to know I did what I was asked to do and find true rest in that. maybe this is an in-between time in life, but it is where I am at. It is a place to learn lessons which continue God's transforming work in me if I am only willing to ask.
"Today Lord, what do you ask of me?"