The 'f' word

Well, the other 'f' word. Focus.

I think I have been beating myself up a little bit recently for not being disciplined. I want to get fit but can't be motivated to get off the couch. I want to start a food blog but get distracted. I want to thrive and do my best in school but procrastinate until I hand in assignments that just get me by. I want to be better at celebrating my friends, birthdays, anniversaries, significant events but let myself get busy and miss the moment and I want to move forward in my faith but am always falling into bed so sleepy my Bible and journal sit unopened on my nightstand. Yuck.

I think I have been missing the boat a little bit though. Yes, I am undisciplined but I believe that I am missing a vital piece of this puzzle. Focus. I get off course so easily when I don't see the changes I want happening immediately because I forget why I am doing it.

I bought a Jillian Michaels DVD this summer when I was wanting to get fit before we got pregnant. I did it once before we found out we were - and then after the miscarriage, and our subsequent pregnancy and miscarriage the DVD began to gather dust. This weekend I was feeling particularly 'blah' about my fitness level and my body and made a resolve to start my days with Jillian. It is a 30 day program and I can do anything for 30 days right?

After the first 5 minutes I was sweating, in pain, so winded I legitimately thought I might die. However, after it was done, and I had survived, and showered I felt wonderful!! Then (fatal mistake) I looked in the mirror. In my post work-out haze I had been convinced that my cottage cheese thighs would have turned into the tanned and toned ones I had been watching bending and stretching in front of me on the DVD. Of course, that was not the case and immediately I was discouraged. My heart sank and I wanted to give up. What was the point?

I didn't work out with the DVD next day. But the following morning after a run in with a particularly tight pair of jeans (that didn't used to be) my resolve was back. This time when I was working out something caught my eye; a baby picture we have of Jeremy that somehow ended up next to our TV.

In that moment, as I was doing jumping jacks and sweating my butt off (hopefully!) I realised that this is what my sweating was all about. Yes, I want to be active so I can fit in my jeans, and yes, I want to look good for my husband but ultimately I want to get in good shape because Jeremy and I want to have a baby. Not just pregnancy, but sleepless nights, running around after a toddler - everything about kids takes energy. Seeing that photo of Jeremy's smiley baby face reminded me where my focus needed to be. Just fitting into jeans isn't enough, but for our family I choose to get up and out of a cozy warm bed and work out.

That's what I feel like with the other things I listed at the beginning of this post. I am in school to learn so I can find a career that allows me to be making a difference in the world. I want to be an example for my family. Jeremy tells me all the time that he is proud of me for starting over in college. I want to be a good student because it will make me a better person, and ultimately the best version of myself for my family.

I have noticed that I recently I have added a lot to my plate. Increasing my class load with school amongst other things has made life stressful. I am stopping my part-time job it the next couple of weeks and this will free up time. I am praying that I can take a step back and find an hour or two to re-focus to help me reach my goals.

This is what will keep me on track with my working out - and now it's out there I have friends on blogland holding me accountable. Maybe I am biased, but I believe he is the cutest baby EVER!