Today November 1, 2010 marks our 2 year anniversary of love! We had our first official date 2 years ago. We ate dinner and watched a James Bond movie and near the end Jeremy held my hand. Little did we know that 2 years later we would have already celebrated a year of marriage, bought a house and be more than just talking about babies. Crazy.
I am learning that we rarely know what God has planned before we are in the midst of it. As much as I would love God to give me knowledge of the future he has in store I am also feeling very safe to just trust him when I see all the wonderful things I have in my life. And also all the crappy stuff I have survived. It is not all moonlight and roses this road we walk as Christians. We trip, we fail, we fall apart, we have our hearts broken and we poor examples of Christ to the world. My desire is not to be an example of a "good Christian", but a reflection of Christ. To try and be a model Christian I may be forced into hiding my faults, not confessing my sins and not allowing forgiveness to come into my life. I want to be fully seen and known and in my failing to show the grace, mercy and love of Christ to others as I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start again.
I just started a bible study on Job and today as I read about how God saw him as a man of "complete integrity" it was very convicting. God sees all of me. The good, the bad and the ugly, but what of that do I present to others? Do I confess and seek forgiveness, am I a true reflection of what is going on in my heart? Not always.
God specifically put on my heart something to confess to Jeremy and I am still fighting him, wanting to find a good reason (or any reason) not to share. It's not even a big deal really but will involve a nice fat slab of humility that I am not sure I want to give. So I am stuck between feelings of conviction and those of fear. Almost tasting the freedom of being fully known, loved and forgiven my the man I love and seen as having integrity by the God I serve, and then shrinking behind my fear of embarrassment or rejection. It's a tough one even though it shouldn't be - as I said before it is not a big deal. Not even blog worthy really.
At least I will have something to talk about if conversation lulls tonight at dinner! Pray for me!
In other news, on Wednesday I met with my doctor to discuss the results of the huge quantity of blood and other tests I had done. Everything cam back normal. In many ways this is good news, we have no problems to fix but it also offers us no answers as to why our miscarriages are happening. So now we start another phase of this journey, the fertility clinic.
I made an appointment for next week when Jeremy and I will continue our journey towards parenthood under PNW fertility.