Beautiful blend of emotions

This afternoon my parents and my brother began their journey back to England. Their visit was a special time to share life and our time away in La Conner and then in Friday Harbor was a much needed respite and time to relax and reflect on recent events. We had the most amazing fall weather on San Juan Island and spent many hours discovering some fun places to eat, beautiful scenery, playing games and enjoying the luxury of our rental house.

After they headed to the airport, Jeremy and I headed to the hospital to visit some friends who had just had a baby. We became friends with Dave and Marie earlier this year, and have watched her belly grow over the months! In early conversations, we found out that their baby was due just a few days before our baby's due date would have been had our first pregnancy gone to term. It was a strange feeling to watch them prepare their house and their lives as they awaited the arrival of this little guy, as it reminded us that we no longer needed to prepare for our baby.

So little Thomas decided to show up a couple of weeks early and arrived last night! Our hospital visit ended up being a beautiful blending of emotions. This little guy is the cutest thing ever and as I held him, drinking in the wonderful grunts and noises he was making, marveling in his tiny perfect fingernails and long feet, I felt so blessed to even be a part of the moment. To share in this excitement and joy and to celebrate the gift that he is.

I also felt tears sting my eyes as I thought about the babies we had lost. The little people we will never get to hold and watch grow up. The sorrow and loss feels strong, but it was met and eased by the hope and wonder of the gift of life we do get to experience.

I don't think any situation before our miscarriages has made me more aware that I am not in control of my life. I feel blessed to have a relationship with Christ, that allows me to trust that the person who is in control is someone who knows and loves me more deeply than I will ever understand. Jeremy and I have no idea of the life that lies ahead of us. Good or bad, easy or hard we are in this together, me, Jeremy and Jesus!

Our miscarriages give us a gift. They allow us to more fully enter into life with those around us. We can share pain and joy and see that in a mysterious and holy way they co-exist in our world.

As we shared the joy of our friends today, we sat with our own pain. What a crazy life moment, but I saw that in it I was content and my spirit was still. I hope I can hold onto that feeling in the midst of sadness and be mindful of it in joy.