The reason it was hard to celebrate

Right now we are waiting to find out if the cramping and spotting I have been having the past few days is the start of another miscarriage or not.
We have another Doctors appointment tomorrow and a blood test which should tell us either way, assuming the bleeding doesn't get worse in the mean time which would be an answer in itself.

My Doctor had told us to just keep trying, reassuring us that early miscarriages did not mean we would have a problem conceiving again, well the conceiving part we have down, it's the keeping pregnant that sees to be more of a challenge.

Since we found out a few days ago that we were pregnant I have had some pretty severe cramping which eased, to be followed by slight spotting, which then stopped for a day only to return the next day heavier this time. Today I am starting to to feel more pressure not necessarily cramping and have more bleeding too.

I feel like I am on a roller-coaster. Hopeful some moments, discouraged the next...for days. Jeremy and I have not really attached ourselves to the idea of being pregnant this time. With our previous experience we have lost our pregnancy innocence. Of course we will be sad if, (and at this moment I feel like the loss is imminent) we lose this pregnancy but honestly I having something confirmed will be a huge relief. Just to know, one way or the other.

I am not 'feeling' pregnant anymore, just a few lingering symptoms but most of them lessening now. I just want to fall asleep and wake up in a week when this uncertainty is all over.

Please pray for us. I am not even sure exactly what to ask for. I guess however God leads you. For a miracle, or for a safe, easy and painless miscarriage. Please just pray for us to know one way or another as soon as possible.

It was my birthday yesterday and my family is here for a holiday so there is a lot going on but honestly, I feel numb to most of it because it is hard to get distracted from something that is happening inside your body. Every moment I am aware that something feels wrong.

This journey feels like a hazy dream. Jeremy and I started this year as newly weds, who were just hoping and dreaming about starting a family. Now, 9 months later, we stand strong together under the looming shadow of 2 miscarriages and another threatened one. I am not sure where we go from here. It has taken a toll on me. Physically but more emotionally. I think I just need a break for a while.

I know God can do miracles, but I am not feeling very much hope that he has one in store for this.

I always wish I could tell each one of you news like this in person, over a good cup of tea but with friends spread far and wide this has become the second best way to share.

This experience is not breaking me. It's making me cling to Jesus. While a friend prayed for me a few days ago I kept thinking about the story in the Bible of the woman who had so much faith, she just wanted to touch the hem of Jesus' robe confident it could heal her from bleeding. I tried to dig in too, trying to figure out what it meant for me to reach out for the hem of Jesus robe today. Is my faith strong enough to believe my healing is possible?

I do not feel alone. I am so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family who are caring for me, for both of us. And Jeremy and I have truly come together in this. I continue to be in awe of the way Jesus is working in him and feel honored to receive the love, and support of such a wonderful man as my husband. He has become more than I could ever dreamed of in a partner.

This is how Jesus is loving me right now, through other people, but sadly I feel like God is silent in my life right now.

Thank you for reading friends, and thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes. I think we'll have a do-over birthday celebration at a later date because I was not really in the party mood as you can imagine. But your love and wishes made me smile. x