I'm in a funk. Is it just the Monday blues? Perhaps daylight savings put me in it; having the darkness roll in just after 5 last night felt ominous. Maybe it is more to do with our visit with the fertility doctor this week, seriously, when did this become a part of my story, what did I do wrong?
I think it just hit me. This is something that is supposed to be so easy, so natural. Something just between Jeremy and I. And all of a sudden there's doctors and blood tests and hormone levels and questions and forms and suddenly this beautiful thing, making a baby, has become so much more of a burden and I hate that I feel this way. I watch couples all around adding to their families without any problems and I want to cry out, "it's not fair!" I see other couples struggling to have a baby, and anger seeps into the picture.
I have to make the decision each day that bitterness will not take a hold of my heart. I have to remember that God is good and just. That's a tough one. And some days are just harder than others.
We just wanted to have a baby. Instead we are learning lessons of faith, and hope and prayer. We are forced to confront our fears, recognise the gaps in our theology and the misconceptions we carry about the character of God. We are reminded that we are not in controls, that we cannot make this happen in our own power. And in certain moments, like today, this feels overwhelming.
I want to trust in God's plan and power, and most days I can find that faith, but today the funk makes it tough.
Praying that after Wednesday and our visit with the fertility doctor, when the unknown of that is over the funk will lift. Today I am going to let a few tears fall and pray that my, "it's not fair" 's will be met with grace and comfort from my Jesus.