Friday, December 17, 2010
Beginning of the end.
The twinges I had yesterday morning signalled the beginning of the end (physically) of this pregnancy. The severe cramping and the start of physical miscarriage began late Thursday afternoon and kept me up most of last night unable to get comfortable. I am taking pain medication but it wears off a few hours before I can take more, so I am trying to sleep in those moments when the pain is kept to a dull roar.
Miscarriage is not for the faint-hearted.
There is a sense of relief that this is ending naturally, an answer to prayer. As the days past, I was beginning to fear that the progesterone I had been taking would mean that we might need some medical intervention to physically end this pregnancy but thankfully it didn't come to that.
I didn't think I had tears left but with every wave of pain they fall down my face. Grieving the finality. Another baby we won't meet. Fear of what it means for the future. And the sting of tears also remind me that there is story in motion that I can rest in. Fearing not and trusting for the peace that passes understanding as we heal and make decisions for what lies ahead.
Thank you for your prayers and love, I can;t say enough how much it has meant to us and and how it has carried us.
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.