Christmas Eve, Eve

Today is Jeremy's last day of work until the new year. I am so looking forward to some time together. This have been a busy week, all good busy; time with friends and family celebrating the Christmas season but it means we have had little time to process this season and plan our next move.

After talking with our doctor yesterday and discussing some more recent test results, there seems less chance of us conceiving a baby that will stick around without some help than we had originally thought. This has many implications on the direction we will take next. More invasive treatment options are so expensive and insurance doesn't cover it. We also have the option of pursuing adoption but that is also not cheap and certainly not a walk in the park. Some agencies have restrictions about the length of time you have to be married to be eligible to adopt which we are still a year away from. Do we adopt internationally, domestically, infants or older children? Or do we continue trying, and pray that God grants us a miracle? Ok, I'll stop with all the questions, but you get the point.

We have been busy with the celebrations of the season and not had much time to consider these options. Not avoiding the subject, just wanting to feel 'normal' and like there is more to life than this struggle. I can't believe that Christmas Eve is tomorrow. How did we get here already? Last Christmas seems like a lifetime ago. In some ways it was. Lat Christmas was filled with simple dreams for the year ahead, dreams of babies and a future that seemed so easy.

This year Christmas is filled with sadness of those little ones who are not here, and fear of what lays ahead. Carrying the weight of the decisions, and grieving the loss of joy in this process. What will our life and family look like?

We are reminded that this life is not our own and we are truly trying to come with open hearts and open hands into what God has in store. I hate this part. The waiting, the not knowing. It is testing me, testing us and we want to trust that God will hold us together and lead us into the next place of life. We are open to something different but we are not sure which different it will be.

How much more can my body take? How many more times can we try and lose? Why does it have to be so hard? My faith is stretched thin. Do I have what it takes to truly trust this to God or am I determined to take steps in my own strength? The letting go of our plan and trusting God's, seems to be a struggle for both Jeremy and I. We are both first-borns, we like to get our own way, we like to be in control. We hope and pray that in the midst of this painful situation God can bring redemption in that simple way, and we can emerge on the other side of this with a deeper trust in the God we serve.

As we celebrate the birth of Christ in the coming days and weeks we are praying our hope will be restored. Christ came to bring us life and life in it's fullness and we believe that there are good plans for us and for our family. Plans full of laughter and joy, full of love and hope and service. We just need to be reminded of that possibility when life gets gloomy and clouds our vision. So we will be taking time to remember this holiday season, and make sure to start 2011 with our eyes fixed on Jesus so we don't miss a thing. Who knows what Christmas Eve, eve will look like next year?!