Friday, December 31, 2010

Looking ahead

Last day of the year, last post of 2010. I'm sitting here eating leftover pizza while the hubs is out watching 'Tron' in 3D with his friends, thankful he is with people who can truly appreciate the depths of such cinema!

Lots of contemplation today. Ready to say goodbye to this year, and the sorrow and confusion. Praying that 2011 will offer some answers, so reassurance and some new direction - where ever that leads.

I feel as if the past few months have carried me on a wave of waiting. Unable to find solid ground we floated day to day, month to month. Scared to make plans because of the unknown.

The new year brings opportunity to start over, to develop a new way of thinking. I start my 3rd quarter of school on Tuesday and look forward to the new learning ahead.
We have our Doctors visit on Monday and we hope this will offer some answers and perhaps will birth a plan in that arena of our lives.

My desire to be a good student and desire to be healthy are my desire to go deeper in my faith are the three goals I want to be working on. My success in each of these will depend on one thing, Discipline. This is not the first time I have blogged about how much of a struggle I have with being disciplined, but I do believe in Christ I can find what I am searching for and in my striving I can become more of the woman I am designed to be.

I feel that in someways I have become a shell of myself. It's like when your body experiences cold, the blood all rushes to keep the vital organs alive. In our losses my emotional energy has been channeled to keeping the vital organs of life going... getting out of bed, taking a shower, eating. There is little left for the the things I love, photography, menu planning, crafts, but especially friendships. Coffee dates or dinners with girl friends have become almost a distant memory. I can see that my life is less fun, and I feel the lack of joy but it has been hard to know what to do with that knowledge.

Starting a new year, I hope to be renewing myself. Reconnecting with myself and others, and increasing my capacity for joy and hope.

Happy New Year everyone!

1 comment:

  1. I wish i would have read this BEFORE seeing you today. it is definitely harder to have real talk with our handsome hubbies around. I enjoy them in our lives, of course, but we'll definitely have to try again during the week. that is if you have time. I think you've actually been doing better than you think my friend, at making time for at least some of the things/people you love over the last few months. I realize i'm not there for every moment, but i do know that thru it all you have continued to reach out "increasing your capacity for joy and hope" as you say. May it be returned 100 fold to you this year!!



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