This is what we were learning about in church on Sunday morning, and thoughts have been swirling in my mind ever since. I love when a message stays with you like that. With every action, I was thinking, "would people be smelling Jesus when I do this?"
When Jeremy made me dinner for me last week when I was sick I was sure that Jesus was around.
It made me really conscious of how I loved and served others. Can the presence of Jesus be sensed through my actions?
[Side bar - I cannot ignore the fact that talking about the 'aroma' of God make the less mature of us giggle; cue the fart jokes. For example, Jeremy leaned over to me during the message and said, "People can sometimes smell your aroma, but I don't think it's Jesus!" Ok, that was a little bit funny, but now we have got it out of our systems we can keep going]
In the midst of our heartache around trying to have a family, my actions have not been the most gentle and generous towards others. My speech has not been gentle; perhaps in word but not always in heart. Jealously and anger overwhelms me sometimes and those I love bear the brunt of it. I know they have not been sensing the aroma of Jesus in my presence. It becomes a fight to treat others the way Jesus would, and to celebrate with others in the way Jesus would when I am feeling so incomplete and so very burdened with loss and fear.
I see that I give the enemy too much of my thought process, and Facebook becomes a scary adventure every morning when new pregnancy announcements are popping up everywhere and making me feel further and further from our dream of a baby. Have not been on there as much in the last few weeks. Just a little bit of self preservation.
My aroma is jealousy and fear, bitterness and disappointment. This is not who I want to be, and certainly not who I was created to be. But I am fighting back, by trying to let go. Daily coming to God and seeking forgiveness and transformation of my heart. Reading His word and being open to it changing me. And truthfully he does, I find true joy and celebration for others, and I know it is the Holy Spirit giving me those desires of my heart.
Last night I made a really nice dinner for J and I. Steak, roasted potatoes and steamed veggies. A glass of red wine to top it off, and a little chocolate for dessert. It was romantic it was special, and we were truly content in the moment. I felt like myself. Our conversation was real and funny and sweet. We booked our Hawaii trip and were dreaming of the romantic walks along the beach, and the hikes with beautiful views.
We are vacationing with our good friends Dave and Marie. We have been getting together for dinner once a week and reading through a marriage book together. It has been a really intentional time of making space to work on our marriage. We have a strong bond as couples as we share honestly and openly and offer and receive grace and understanding from our spouses. I feel as though this vacation will be a time to celebrate our marriages, and the fruit of our intentionality.
I hope that I continue to keep my heart softened to God's prompting, that he can continue to love me and in doing so transform me into someone who gives an aroma similar to his.