It is a few days into spring and despite the sun shining in Seattle my heart feels a little heavy. The change of seasons is another reminder of time passing, just like the negative pregnancy test in the trash, and the end of another quarter of school.
I started school to get a class or two under my belt before we had a baby, and now I feel like I am going to graduate and still not be a mum. The seasons are passing, and it feels like they are speeding up. Soon any babies we have will be born in 2012.
I feel like it's so easy to fall into wishing our lives away as we dream of our family.
Living this way we are never going to feel content. Together, J and I are trying to refocus on today and to better appreciate all we have, especially our marriage.
It is easy to get distracted by what we don't have, or consumed by struggles and fear. It is great to feel support from others, but no one else can really understand the path we walk and we have to turn to one another and to God to find the best source of strength and hope.
After some fun dinner conversation with our good friends a few weeks ago a seed was planted for a trip to Hawaii this spring, and now just a couple of weeks later we are almost ready to book flights. I really hope it comes together because it would be great to have some sunshine and relaxation to look forward to; and romance is easy to come by when you are listening to the waves crash on sandy beach!
We have a trip to Napa in the works, and my parents are visiting soon as well as other fun adventures coming up this spring and summer. We are trying to live for today. Making plans for the two of us, not waiting any longer in case we are pregnant. We hope that making our plans we can help us put control back in God's hands and once again submit to His perfect timing.
I am tired of waiting for life to begin. We have so many things to celebrate today. We will never loose our desire to parent, but while our grief will always be with us somewhere, we can live fully in the love and strength of Christ today.