Yesterday mark my first day back in the classroom. I have been in school for the past year taking online courses with some interaction with other students but this quarter I am in class every day. It's a little bit of an adjustment. But so far so good!
I am taking a French class every day and a yoga class three days a week so that gives my days some structure, something which I have been so desperate for. My earliest class is at 8am so I am getting used to getting up and going for a purpose beyond not being a slob.
It is so strange to be back in a classroom environment, especially because the last time I was there I knew everyone I was in class with. This time I am with a room full of strangers. I was nervous I would stick out like a sore thumb, an old sore thumb but luckily there is a lot of diversity on the campus and it is represented in my classes.
The stirring of my heart continues with regards to the conference we participated in this weekend. We have not come to any conclusions, and so we are continuing on the path we are on towards domestic infant adoption but are keeping our hearts open to God's leading. If he wants us to change direction I know he'll confirm it.
I reveling in the new challenge this quarter is offering. I'm enjoying feeling pushed out of my comfort zone. Stretched a little. Having something to focus on besides our infertility. The knowledge that we have a baby on the way 'someday' has given me my mojo back. I had lost my reason for a while, and it made studying a real pain. I started school thinking I would soon be pregnant and home with an infant and needing to have an outlet for a few hours a week where I got to be with adults and think about something other than being a mum.
That assumption seems stupid now, and at the least naive. It's one year and three miscarriages since I started and we were without a baby. When we made the decision to adopt school suddenly took on more purpose. I wasn't our kids to believe in education. I want to be an example of that to them. However, now I am desperate to complete my AA degree so that if an when we are blessed with a baby I can devote as much time as possible just holding him or her. I know that being away from our baby will be so hard. After all the waiting and hoping and dreaming that's been going on, and will continue until they are in our arms, I will both be wanting to spend endless hours just being home, being mummy. Perhaps the novelty of that will ware off after a while, but I know I want to feel as though I am making a choice about my time, rather than having my hand forced with a school schedule.
I am beginning to think a year from now would be the perfect time for us to have a baby...But I hear God laughing at my blatant assumption that because I determine it is the right time it is His plan. We have fully surrendered to His timing in adding to our family, but this girl has a hard time not making plans anyway. At least I have homework to keep me busy!