In many ways I have been able to find peace with the possibility that I may not carry a baby to term in my body, but it is still hard to wrap my head around how my faith in a God of love, hope and miracles would chose this to be the road I walk.
A friend, pregnant with her second child made the comment the other day, "I don't know why I deserve to have two healthy children when some people can't have kids." It struck me because I often have that some thought when I hear about a women who in my eyes is undeserving of a healthy pregnancy, for whatever reason I am judging her - some more valid determiners that others, but nevertheless not my responsibility to decide their deservability! Why do they deserve this gift? And why don't I deserve it?
The truth, is that my friend did nothing to deserve her two healthy babies, and in fact she does not deserve them. That sounds harsh even as I write it, but it help me find the truth. She doesn't deserve to be a mother, she doesn't deserve healthy babies but she was blessed with the gift of children. It was not through her own works. And in the same way, I do not deserve to have a baby of my own. I have done nothing to deserve it anymore than I have done something to un-deserve it, and I can do nothing to persuade God to give me another chance at motherhood viability.
Children are only ever a gift from God.
I was thinking over this in the shower, and God brought the passage to mind of the workers it the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). I think it's funny because this passage has always bothered me. I know the message that is being taught is true but the I struggle because I identify so much with the workers that complain they are being treated unfairly. I suppose this is way God brought it up today!
Jesus says, "But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius?" (A denarius is the daily wage for a laborer) I am saved by faith, and will live with Jesus eternally in heaven. God will be with me through trials, he will be my strength when I am weak, and he will protect me from the enemy. These are his promises to me. I have done nothing to deserve them, but they are gifts freely given. I worry that God likes me less because I can't have a baby, I worry that people imagine some hidden sin that is preventing us from being in God's will, but I have to stand on the truth that is simply, God's ways are not my ways. He is a just God. My only job is to trust him, and to be obedient to the calling he has put on my life.
I do not get what I deserve. Thank goodness because I would be in big trouble. I am saved by his grace. Undeserved, but received with thankfulness.
Lord, please help my jealous heart to be transformed. Please instill in me that your love cannot be seen only in the fruit of a pregnancy. Open my eyes more and more to your gifts given so freely that we may have an abundant life. My heart is yours.