Saturday, November 19, 2011


In many ways I have been able to find peace with the possibility that I may not carry a baby to term in my body, but it is still hard to wrap my head around how my faith in a God of love, hope and miracles would chose this to be the road I walk.

A friend, pregnant with her second child made the comment the other day, "I don't know why I deserve to have two healthy children when some people can't have kids." It struck me because I often have that some thought when I hear about a women who in my eyes is undeserving of a healthy pregnancy, for whatever reason I am judging her - some more valid determiners that others, but nevertheless not my responsibility to decide their deservability! Why do they deserve this gift? And why don't I deserve it?

The truth, is that my friend did nothing to deserve her two healthy babies, and in fact she does not deserve them. That sounds harsh even as I write it, but it help me find the truth. She doesn't deserve to be a mother, she doesn't deserve healthy babies but she was blessed with the gift of children. It was not through her own works. And in the same way, I do not deserve to have a baby of my own. I have done nothing to deserve it anymore than I have done something to un-deserve it, and I can do nothing to persuade God to give me another chance at motherhood viability.

Children are only ever a gift from God.

I was thinking over this in the shower, and God brought the passage to mind of the workers it the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). I think it's funny because this passage has always bothered me. I know the message that is being taught is true but the I struggle because I identify so much with the workers that complain they are being treated unfairly. I suppose this is way God brought it up today!

Jesus says, "But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius?" (A denarius is the daily wage for a laborer) I am saved by faith, and will live with Jesus eternally in heaven. God will be with me through trials, he will be my strength when I am weak, and he will protect me from the enemy. These are his promises to me. I have done nothing to deserve them, but they are gifts freely given. I worry that God likes me less because I can't have a baby, I worry that people imagine some hidden sin that is preventing us from being in God's will, but I have to stand on the truth that is simply, God's ways are not my ways. He is a just God. My only job is to trust him, and to be obedient to the calling he has put on my life.

I do not get what I deserve. Thank goodness because I would be in big trouble. I am saved by his grace. Undeserved, but received with thankfulness.

Lord, please help my jealous heart to be transformed. Please instill in me that your love cannot be seen only in the fruit of a pregnancy. Open my eyes more and more to your gifts given so freely that we may have an abundant life. My heart is yours.


  1. That is a great piece of wisdom. And my mind compleatly understands what you've written... But I don't know if my heart ever will

  2. Thanks, Chrissie. I remember being at a meeting once and hearing somebody talk about deserving something and then another member said that if we got what we deserve, we'd be dead. I certainly didn't agree with his statement. In fact what utter rubbish, really. It REALLY got my back up. I hate that word, deserve. I agree with you - I think it is a ridiculous word choice in the scenario you tell of, above. I think while we do have choices and decisions that affect our lives, we are also dealt a hand to deal with and I am no more or less deserving of anything than the next person. You are right, it is a judgement and every time I think of someone in that way, I need to take a step back, think for a minute and remind myself I don't necessarily know everything about the situation even though I think I might and just stop passing judgement in that way. Sarah McNobbly Knees

  3. What an incredible post. These are the questions no one can make it through life without pondering. I am well aware that i havent earned or deserved any of what i have i try to keep that in mind when i get ready to complain about someting i don't have. While i dont have any answers, i HAVE learned over the years that a lot of the trials and dissappointments and hurts i've experienced were to create a space in me that could relate and minister to other people in the same shoes. A means by which i learned to identify with other peoples hurts. it's frustrating to think that you could suffer just to increas your ministry to others..but it is a very real concept. i think your blog does exactly that. you have no idea who you are touching and helping throught the raw honsety with which you share your struggles. I pray God's blessing over your life and that you be given double for your trouble!

  4. The comments people make sometimes stick with us too long...this week both of my sisters had babies (within 16 hours!) and my aunt said, "Don't feel bad, being up to your arms in baby stuff isn't always that fun."

    I would die for being up to my arms in baby stuff. LOL. But she was trying to make me feel better. It hurt. A lot.

    Hang in there! Good luck with everything.

    Happy ICLW!

  5. hi from ICLW!

    You know, that is a really good point. I can't say that I won't still from time to time wonder what I did to deserve this fight or why I don't deserve to be pregnant, but, hopefully I can keep this idea in mind. I keep hoping our plan involves a pregnancy, but maybe it doesn't. It's just difficult for me to wrap my mind around.



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