Getting closer, we finished our profile book! It is not perfect ans as soon as I hit 'order' I thought of something I wanted to change. Then the first thought in my head when I woke up the next morning was something else I had forgotten to change. Oh well. Too late now. Good thing there is grace to cover even those mistakes! I know the Lord will not let that be the defining factor in us becomming parents.
As we edge closer and closer to being approved I feel my anxiety rising. We have wanted this for so long. Too long. This has been the longest 'conception' ever. Yet no as the reality is about to hit I am afraid. All the boxes we checked about the health risks we would be willing to consider seem overwhelming and I want to shout that I have changed my mind. I want only a perfect baby. I want to be in control of our family's future. I have a picture in my mind that I do not want to surrender.
When we are officially paper pregnant, probably in a couple of weeks, we will begin to hear about birth mothers and have to start making decision about whether we want them to be shown our profile. I am praying for a perfect situation. A women who has taken care of her body, eaten well, gone to her doctors appointments and abstained from drugs and alcohol, with a support system to care for her after the adoption. Perhaps I am crazy to think this is possible, or just extremely naive. And when I am praying, I feel a sense of selfishness. Why should we be blessed with a healthy child when there are so many children born addicted, or with diseases or struggles that will shape their lives? I know I am not owed anything but my heart still wrestles with wanting so badly to know what my life will look like, and wanting it to match my expectations.
My faith has certainly been taking a beating over the past couple of years. I see God drawing my heart to his and teaching me to trust. This whole adoption thing is saturated in exercise of trust, including but not limited to the health of our child and the relationship we will have with their birth parent(s).
Ultimately, if we do not believe I can trust God in this then I don't want to do it. I have seen God's faithfulness in many ways, but as I read over my journal entries from our miscarriages my trust is tested. My prayers for protection over our baby went unanswered, or at least unanswered in the way my heart so desperately wanted. Can I trust God to protect a child that is growing in another woman's body, when I feel as though I have lost trust that he can protect one in my own?
I guess that is a question I will have to face in time.
Reading in Exodus 15, I can see how the Israelites had to face the issue of trusting God. He had led them out into the desert and they ran out of water. They had no way of getting it on their own. They had to trust in God's provision. And he did provide. He already had a plan for them. They found water in Marah but it was undrinkable until God told Moses to throw the stick in. God wanted them to learn that his provision was already in place for them, they just had to trust him and He would provide. Not only that, but after they they drank God led them to a place of rest. After a time of trial God provides rest, and time for us to reflect on all He has done. Boy, I cannot wait for that time!
Until then I am choosing to trust that His ways are good and true. And that the plans he has for us will being us a future and a hope - and our baby...
"Who is like you among the gods, O LORD--glorious in holiness, awesome in splendor, performing great wonders?" Ex 15:11