Written December 4th, 2011
Dear baby, I am your mama. Please keep being kind to me. So far, apart from some pretty ouchie cramping and stretching, end of the day belly bloat, and the fact that I could literally fall asleep at 7pm for the night waking only to pee, your presence is hard to feel. Apparently nausea is waiting just around the corner, but if you want to spare me that joy I would be forever grateful.
I guess you are only the size of a sesame seed. With that said, why do you need everything to stretch out so much for your little seed body-to-be? It hurts bubba, and freaks me out, thinking you might be leaving before you are fully cooked, so quit it already.
The only other addition to my normal is forgetfulness. I know people talk about pregnancy brain, but I was not expecting it to hit as soon as the second line appeared, and I certainly didn't expect it to be so selective. In the past couple of weeks I have gone into the bathroom and been met with an un-flushed toilet multiple times. At first I chastised Jeremy and mumbled things about boys and their toilet habits, but then I realised that the last toilet user was none other than myself. The first time it happened, I laughed, the second time I thought it was weird and the third, fourth and fifth times I just resigned my self to the fact that my brain is struggling to handle pregnancy hormones.
Yesterday at 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant, this selective bathroom-related-memory loss morphed to a different, specific, but less gross variety. I had been trying to make a concerted effort to check the toilet flushing had happened before leaving the bathroom and I was confident I had been successful and I exited the bathroom and rejoined Jeremy on the couch to watch our movie. However, after only a minute or two Jeremy asked, "what's that noise?"
I listened and suddenly could make out the sound of water splashing. On closer inspection the tap I turned on to wash my hands, which I had done, was happily still pouring water down the drain. I had forgotten to turn it off again.
Baby, I know I am supposed to eat well to make sure you grow healthy, but if this bad memory thing continues I am not going to be able to use the stove without a chaperone so I hope you like raw veggies!
In two days I will officially have been pregnant longer than ever before. My wonderful doctor has allowed me to have blood draws every 2 days since we took our test to see that our levels have been rising which they have, beautifully. Every time I put out a fleece for God, giving him a number I thought was a bit extreme and he went ahead and hit it, or beyond it. Reassuring my heart and giving me a peace that this is good. That this time it might be worth buying a pregnancy journal, and that we might have to postpone our plans to be in England for the Olympics because our due date would be while we were gone.
I know you are still tiny, and I believe tailed at this point, but we already love you and have hopes to hold you one day.
This morning at church the message was about hearing God and responding. How when God told Zechariah he and his wife would have a child (John the Baptist) he questioned how it could happen. When the angel appeared to Mary and told he she would be the mother of Christ, she certainly wrestled with God but she had faith that what she heard would come to be. Not that the coincidence is lost on me that this illustration was about babies being born, I know it is bigger than just babies, but for today this message could not have been more spot on.
I believe God told me this pregnancy would be different. I have never felt a peace about a pregnancy before. Even when I wanted to believe it might end differently I think in my heart of hearts I knew they would not. This time, I believe God told me to test - earlier than I would have usually - and I started my medication regime earlier than ever, and introduced a few new pill friends this time too.
How am I responding to God's revelation? Am I so fearful that I cannot embrace the possibility and joy that this is his very special gift to us. Or am I questioning his power and faithfulness? Truthfully, I am trying to embrace the joy but fighting through the fear of our past experiences, but Lord, I want to know your peace and more fully understand your revelation.