Written December 13th 2011
Sometimes your body just knows...but sometimes fear tells your body lies.
I had a scan scheduled for Thursday but my fading pregnancy symptoms and some strange and scarily familiar cramping, heaviness and general not good feelings put me in panic mode. I called my doctor in tears and she managed to get me in for a scan this afternoon.
I am trying to deny that this could really be over, even though in my heart, I think that is what my sense is but I don't know if that's because pregnancies ending is all I know. I feel like I am disconnected from the little being that had been growing. I am not feeling stretched out, I am not making room from anything to grow. My body feels as though it is preparing to pass this pregnancy.
I pray Lord, that your miracle promise will come to be and that there will be a heartbeat. A strong heartbeat. I am not sure how I would handle my own loss in front of an ultra sound technician and Jeremy. I am not sure whether hearing the sad news, or hearing it in front of others is more what I am afraid of. Miscarriage is terrifying but I feel it and I handle it on my own, it happens to my body. I can shut everyone else out. No way to do that when someone else is telling you sad news.
Lord, restore my hope and peace if there is something to hope for. Renew the spirit of my mind to believe in your promises and trust your plans. Lord, please quiet the voices of the enemy and the lies and fear he wants me to believe. Protect this pregnancy if it is still alive.
Back from the scan...
Ok, ok, ok, I get it. You can do miracles. Back from the scan, heartbeat of 113. Not as strong as I personally would have liked but the tech said she wanted to see something over 100 which it was but of course I am struggling to find peace still. I really need you Lord to transform my heart and mind to believe this is going to work and not be waiting for a painful loss.
I love that you are sharing all of this with us Chrissie. I know that I haven't experienced what you have as far as loss goes, but I want you to know that these entries seem like a mirror to what goes on through my mind when pregnant as well. I totally understand that panic and urge to just hear a heart beat. That sweet sound keeps you going for a while….until more lies and more fear can creep in! I know these entries are old, but I want you to know I am still praying for peace for you during the whole pregnancy! It can be so scary before you feel movement because there is no reassurance that everything is going well! We can only trust and pray and wait. I love you and pray nightly for your baby!
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