Written December 11, 2011
I have some strange things happening in my body.
Yesterday I felt awful. Like the worst hangover of all time, without any of the fun of drinking the night before. Exhausted and nauseous. Hungry all day but nothing sounded good to eat. Jeremy was trying to be so sweet and supportive, "what can I get you, what sounds good?" NOTHING. Nothing sounds good in fact, the options you are talking about are just making more more and more nauseous. Please stop. Please just make something, anything, and put it in front of me. I will try and eat it.
Then today, after an ok nights sleep I woke feeling tired and sluggish but able to keep down breakfast without a problem...and then feeling ok provoked fear in me heart. Where did my symptoms go? Oh no, whats wrong? Is something wrong? Something must be wrong. After hours of praying to feel some relief yesterday, now I am praying for returning symptoms to knock me off my felt as a reassurance that everything is still growing in there ok. Please baby, show mama that you're there.
Weird. I guess the monster heartburn could be the symptom of the day today instead, but I would like a little predictability to my symptoms. I just keep worrying about making it to school for my final on Wednesday without having to leave to puke. I have to take the final to receive a grade for the class, so even if I just show up and fill in an answer or two then I can at least leave knowing I will get a grade, probably not the grade which would actually represent the knowledge I have gained this quarter, but hopefully enough to get me a passing grade. Lord, please give me a grace period around that test. I would like to have the pronounced symptoms for my own peace of mind, but if for tomorrows class and for Wednesdays final you can calm my tummy that would truly be a miracle...on top the the one you are knitting together in my womb. If I can be morning sickness free for my final and even more see a healthy heartbeat on Thursday my cup would be overflowing. More than I could ever imagine. Overflowing.
Praying for you little baby. Praying for a strong heart, one that is whole and perfectly formed, beating well and one that will sustain your life for a lifetime of love. I still can't believe we would be this blessed, that I would get to carry a baby in my body and to feel him kick and turn get the hiccups just as I have felt in the pregnant bellies of friends. I am undeserving. I did nothing to deserve this, and I have no say over the ending of this story. This life is not my own, and I have to trust in God's plans. I want this pregnancy to result in a healthy perfect baby in our arms but there are no guarantees. So for today, the eased morning sickness, the weird hungover feeling and the bloating I am choosing to be thankful. Thankful that I get to be pregnant today. Thankful that we made it this far, 6 weeks, 3 days! I can't believe I get to hope and dream about this child and that I get to experience even the yucky stuff of pregnancy because I am so painfully aware that so many women would give and sacrifice so much to have this experience.
Thank you Lord. Please grant me your peace, and please keep our baby growing healthy and strong.
P.S. If you are having a Christmas party in the coming days, or have invited us to do something fun to celebrate the holiday season which we have declined for nonspecific reasons I apologise. We have been party-poopers for a good reason, even if we can't tell you why yet. I hope you will consider it a good excuse when you find out!