Wednesday, July 14, 2010
This post is two-fold, I will begin as is tradition, with number 1.
I am now in my third week of school and I have been sitting at my computer A LOT. I have really enjoyed the reading assignments but still have moments of feeling completely out of my depth and doubting my ability to continue. I just feel like my brain hasn't caught up to speed yet and understanding the material is way more work and effort than it 'should' be. I never had problems in high school, it all came pretty naturally and this is definitely challenging my self confidence.
I feel like I am on a roller-coaster. Opening the assignment I have hope and anticipation. As I read the material the wheels in my head creaking as I struggle to wrap my head around the concepts, and then fear and doubt creep in as I realise I have to analyze it and then post my thoughts online for all to read. My meltdown peaks with some frustrated tears. It is usually followed buy a pep talk from Jeremy maybe a little tutoring and I am back on the road again, heading toward handing in a paper I feel proud of. I am so thankful for a husband who continues to be my biggest cheer leader in this endeavor.
I guess we'll see what happens as I continue to run the gauntlet of education and navigate class schedules and due dates. I need to re-learn how to study, how to read and take notes as well as how to formulate my thoughts into something close to what my professors are asking for. It’s all good fun. I am pretty sure my brain has not gone to sleep this tired for a very long time!
I get my second round of grades tomorrow so I think that will give me a better gauge of what's expected; what I am doing ok at and which areas I need to work on a bit more. I have my first big paper due next week so I am trying to make some headway now so I am not stressing about it when I am trying to pack for Napa - did I mention we are going to Napa? I am so excited for some California sunshine and the company of good friends. I digress...
In summary, school is an adjustment and something that seems to challenges my self confidence and identity on a daily basis. It will take some intention on my part to keep my head above the waves of doubt, but paper by paper, and assignment by assignment I believe I can do it. Getting an education is just one part of my 'being a better me' program. It is multifaceted, I am not even sure I know all of them yet, but education plays a big part.
Onto my second point: another facet in my life program - getting fit and healthy. Jeremy and I want to start a family soon and I want to be in tip-top condition before we begin. Since I hit 30 my body started working a little differently. I have had to watch what I ate more, or more accurately, I watched what I ate sticking around on my body in different ways than before! Clothes have started to fit a little tighter and you would never know how much I dislike cottage cheese from the layer covering my legs. Since we got married and moved, I am walking less which is really not helping either. So I need to move more and eat less - or less sugar at least!
I am committing publicly (like a few special ladies who have gone before me) to getting fit. My weight fluctuates day to day by up to 5lbs - seriously, so I am not so set on just losing numbers on a scale, although that IS part of it, I really want to lose some inches! I am making some string measures which I can compare after a few weeks. So goodbye 154lbs, farewell un-welcome bum and thigh inches see you when you are in a bikini - even if it's in December!