Another pregnancy announcement greeted me when I checked into Facebook this morning. Another update about a growing belly and morning sickness and another painful tear is shed because I just want to be posting those updates myself. I keep saying how badly I want to find peace in my life in this season of waiting. To stop comparing myself to other people. But the truth is that right now I am not dealing with the seeming bombardment of baby announcements very well. So in an effort to self protect I need to step away from Facebook for a while to see if it helps me feel less sad.
Facebook and other social media should be a way to share special news. I use it that way a lot - don't get me wrong, I am a huge Facebook fan in normal circumstances. I just do not have the strength of heart to see baby updates without tears, and a spiral into "it's not fair", and "whens it our turn," and even frustrated tears of "I want to be sending muffin baskets, and buying baby clothes instead of crumbling into a sobbing, snotty mess." Not good for anyone. Especially not for me.
I keep thinking that if I were pregnant I could react in a genuinely happy way to these announcements/status updates. I have nothing to base this belief on really except that I know it is easier to hear announcements in the time of waiting each month when there is hope that this could be our month. When our test is negative and we cross another month off our list, the world seems darker and other peoples happy news is so much more painful to hear.
It hurts to not be able to celebrate with others. It hurts to have to keep my distance from those I love and care for because I cannot hold back tears.
It seems that Facebook opens me up to hearing announcements from people who would never have contacted me personally to share this news, and who I would not necessirily even have known about without Facebook. I had a lovely friend email me with news of a new addition a few days ago. She was so sweet and so sensitive to our feelings and honestly, I had such a peaceful reaction. No tears, a genuine hint of joy. But these are friends I know in real life, who do not live very far away and who I hope to visit. It wasn't a cover all announcement. It wasn't flippant. And it made their big reveal something I was able to enjoy, not dread. It doesn't change that I wish we had good baby news to share, but it was not a shock, and I got to process it in my own time. In a status update there is nothing to soften the blow. I am truly blessed to have friends like this in my life. I don't expect special treatment, but it sure feels good to be loved enough to receive it in these ways.
I think we both thought that putting an August deadline on our trying would be far enough in the distance that we would be well and truly knocked up by then. But now it's so close, only two more cycles, two more tries before we start saying 'IVF' out loud. Our marriage faces another mountain as our individual experiences, financial worries, and even faith come together to make a decision beyond what we are really able to in our human wisdom. Lord, is this the path we should take? Or is this you closing a door for us? Are we supposed to trust you to provide, and to bless us with a miracle in a less conventional way? Is it even really an option? What if it doesn't work? Is it IVF or adoption, or is it both?
With this school quarter coming to an end and my parents here visiting, as well as wanting to have time to process all of this, and the need to carve out real time for prayer it is not as though I couldn't use the previous Facebook time to do something more productive!
I am not saying goodbye forever, I am not sure how long this hiatus will be but perhaps I will discover there is life after Facebook?! I still get messages, invitations and comments through my email and of course I have good ol' email too and I hope it will free some more time to blog so I will be anything but silent...and I hope it will ultimately find some more peace. As we wait.