I am writing listening to the waves crashing on the beach and watching them from the window. We have a condo with the best view on Kauai. Seriously. The sea turtles are feeding in the shallow water outside. We are on vacation. It's paradise. And it's Mother's Day.
I wasn't sure how this day would feel. Last year it was tough. But last year was only one miscarriage down and still so much hope of possibility of an easy and simple pregnancy to come. This year that is not the case. Four miscarriages, a gluten free diet, gallons of blood tested, multiple procedures, endless tests, two scans later we know that we are way past 'simple' and 'easy' whatever the future may hold.
I feel like my tears have become much less predictable. I can't hold them back now, they just start, and when they do it takes a few minutes to gain back composure. Yesterday when we were at the grocery store, the cashier asked if I was a mother yet, and I managed to shake my head no, and make a dash for the door. I got to the car before the tears fell and J was ready with hugs. He had seen it coming.
And today, all the stores wanting to give out chocolates to mothers or give free drinks and treats meant that so many people asked directly if I was a mother that my kleenex supply was a joke. I had to escape to the bathroom at one point to take a breath after the third or forth asking leaving the line for gelato - my hero asked my flavor preferences as I bolted and when I returned he was there with delicious scoops waiting for me.
It's hard, because in so many ways I feel like a mother. I have carried babies, if only for a little while, I have carried them. But I never met them. So what box do I check in the, "Are you a mother" questionnaire? I understand that this is a day for celebration, and people are trying to be sweet and make a fuss of mothers - who totally deserve the recognition, you grew a person inside you for crying out loud - I cannot believe we think it is enough to only recognise that one day a year, yet I don't feel peace about getting the free drink or the candy. I don't have a child. In the world's eyes I am not yet a mother.
This morning one of the wonderful women we are vacationing with told me today to celebrate as a some day mother. I like that. That doesn't make me sad and give me a reason to celebrate today. My grief has coloured the hope I had felt about the future. I was expecting today to be a time when I mourned not being a mother, and while that was certainly a part of my feelings today, I was also able to find hope and celebration for the future.
Happy mother's day to all my mama friends, but especially to those who are celebrating today without a child; those who continue to hope and try and wait to be blessed. Praying God's strength sustain you, and His peace fill your hearts. It is a road I would never chose to travel, but I am so glad I am not walking it alone.