Dependent

In Him we live and move and have our being. —Acts 17:28

I have moments when I am consumed by the desire to care for a baby of our own. I let myself day dream about feeding a baby at my breast, and changing little teeny diapers, hearing their first giggles, being the only one that can console him (or her). Seeing arms reaching for me, trusting that they will be met with love, so much love. Knowing their cries, knowing what they need and providing it. What a gift to be able to love something that much. What a blessing to be trusted with someone completely dependent on me for it's well being.

I am reminded that this is the same as my relationship with God. Fully dependent.

As little ones grow, and begin to want more independence; putting on their own shoes. feeding themselves etc. life can get more complicated. While there is natural maturation that happens and is good, just because a child can feed themselves it doesn't mean they can cook a meal, shop for groceries, or get a job to pay for it all. They have a new degree of competence but how ever much they fight to be independent, they are actually fully dependent on other people to care for, and provide for them.

I depend on my life plans working out the way I imagine to make me happy. I depend on friends to fill my needs for community and companionship, I depend too much on my marriage to give me identity. I try so hard to fill my life with good and life giving things and honestly I just end up feeling empty because I forget or ignore God's place in my heart.

Truthfully, I would like to ignore it. My dependence. I would like to pretend it's all up to me to make life work. To make the big decisions and to get them right. But it isn't up to me and it never was. It somehow seems easier to deal with my own perceived failure, than to understand why God doesn't seem to be hearing my prayers.

In my struggle to be independent, or as I have lived too long in the delusion of independence I begin to fall. Over and over I fall with the heavy burden of control weighing on me. It feels weak to let go of that and let God truly carry me. If I let go I feel as though everything would fall apart. But to fall on God and recognise my true state of dependence, is simply recognizing His strength.

I am fully dependent on Him. And in that I have to find peace. I must let go. Put down the fear and burden and walk tall, free of all that I cannot control.

Why is that so hard? If I figure it out I will let you know, but until then I will be here, one day at a time trying to live a life of dependence on my father God. Trusting that his love, joy, peace and strength can sustain me and safe in the knowledge that he is the giver of all good things, and he moves in his own perfect timing. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner saved only by grace who struggles more than she finds victory. I need you today. I confess I am fully dependent on you.