Not easy, but easier.

I think that moving forward from the pain of the last year, living with grief but not letting it define us is beginning to happen. It's just kind of happened. Gradually as I read my past blog posts I see that the rawness has left the building. The gaping wounds have been replaces by scars. They will not leave, but they have become a part of my life, and they tell my story.

So far 2011 has been full of hope and possibility, but no pregnancy and no pregnancy losses. I am forgetting what it feels like to be pregnant. I want to feel it again, the nausea, the fatigue, I want it back. But this time I want to have the peace that it is worthwhile because it will end in a baby in my arms.

I was talking to Jesus the a while back and I told him that I didn't want to get pregnant again if I would keep the pregnancy. He didn't reply. But I suppose He has been answering my prayer, in our not getting pregnant but I feel like I am setting myself up for potential heartache. Because what happens if we do conceive again? What will it mean if we lose another pregnancy? Will God be watching from the sidelines? In the fear of loss it can make me put some of my own awareness of powerlessness onto God, because I can't imagine watching this happening to someone I love, with the power to stop it, and not intervening. I don't understand.

My scars remind me of what we have come through. But the distance and the healing and especially the hope we have found over time make it easier to be here. I beginning to feel comfortable in my skin. I look a little different, not so naieve, more aware of the frailty and miracle of life, a little more cautious to hope, but willing to fight fiercely for the life and purpose God has planned.

We do not feel released to move forward with more invasive fertility treatment or to pursue adoption at this time. We feel at peace with just trying the old fashioned way for the time being. The true peace makes it easier to be patient. Not easy, But easier.

So when people ask me how I am, I can tell them honestly that I'm doing OK. And that feels great!