We are almost halfway through this quarter and I am finally feeling like I have a grasp on what's required of me through the week with my class load. This week, I am working like a crazy person to get assignments done ahead of time as much as possible so that I only have to do the very minimum while we are on vacation. Yes, vacation, did I mention we are heading for sun, sea and sand?! That said, having to sit on the deck and study a little while I listen to the waves lap the shore won't be so bad!
The end of last quarter and the beginning of this one felt like hard work. Sadly, this was not because the work load was too much or too hard, but because my attitude was so bad. I was stuck, feeling unmotivated and very much just going through the motions. Not enjoying or genuinely investing in what I was learning, but doing the minimum to get by. And not doing my best made me feel yucky. I had always been a good student, and it was exciting to get back assignments to and see hard work rewarded with good grades, but recently I have been almost dreading it. Just hoping my minimum effort will get me a passing grade. Nothing to be proud of.
The past couple of weeks I am starting to feel more like myself. With less distractions, I am really taking in the lectures. Making time to read the material set and taking notes, not just skimming over it to get a general idea. The assignments I am finishing are something I am proud to put my name on, and my grades are reflecting my effort. It is exciting to already be seeing fruit from the small changes I am making and to see how the fruit is inspiring me to continue. The big impact the simple changes have had. The productivity that is free to happen when I do not let myself get distracted.
This weekend was another great example. I woke early on Saturday when Jeremy left to teach a class. Usually being alone in the house means the TV hum will be on in the background for company. But I intentionally got up and into the TV-less office to make headway on a project. I am throwing a bridal shower for a dear friend in June and wanted to make invitations to send out. I set up a little work station, the only noise was the printer and the snip of paper and ribbon. I stamped and measured and cut and at the end had a finished product that was pretty impressive, even if I say so myself! What a great way to spend a few hours. Creating, and doing it in the name of celebrating a friend. Something I could cross off my list. Something that brought joy and life to me.
As we continue with life without a baby it seems even more important to make today's moments count. Find life in the activities of the day and not wait for life to start when we have a child. Watching friends go through the heartbreak of adoptions falling through reminds me that whatever the journey ahead it is not a easy path. I imagined adoption being a simple process, but another story of a birth mother changing her mind at the last minute brings home the reality that it holds as much potential for loss as pregnancy. Lord let me not be distracted by fear. Please help me to be open to the experiences life offers us and not numb myself to the ones that hurt. Ultimately, I know that you are the giver of life - but we play a part in making that happen for ourselves. I pray that getting rid of distraction will bring me true life.
I am looking forward to seeing the fruit of less distraction in other areas of my life. And to living a life that is worship to God, in the times of sorrow as well as the times of hope.