Thursday, July 14, 2011
Just around the corner
Our August to start exploring more options to grow our family is approaching fast. Our doctor is usually busy so even though I want to pretend it is not happening I knew I would have to call this week to be able to get in to see her in early August. Yesterday I bit the bullet and phoned the office. I spoke to our doctors assistant and explained that we had been waiting until August to consider our next step, she said, "well, come in next week and then we could have you on a new regime for your August cycle" Gulp.
Suddenly it all felt too real, too fast, and I lost every ounce of peace in my spirit.
I totally put it on Jeremy as I explained to her that we had decided that we would start the process in August so could I please have an appointment in August because I didn't think he would want to come in any earlier!
After I had made the appointment I realised that Jeremy would have probably been just fine if I told him we were going in mid-July instead of early August (the available appointments were about 10 days apart!) but I was the one recoiling from moving on to new possibilities!
My reaction to her offer, and to her assumption that we would be doing treatment was a surprise to me. I had always imagined that I would be ready to jump in and that Jeremy would be more hesitant one, and perhaps he still will be but I am now aware that I am also experiencing some caution about jumping in to anything. In some ways this makes me feel happy. I have not turned the corner into becoming someone who will do anything to have a baby. I still have enough distance to stop and seek Gods perfect plan, rather than heading down any path offered, or the path that feels like the quickest way to a baby! This gives me a little more confidence in our ability to make the right choice. Even though the cry of my heart is that we wouldn't have to make a decision at all. That God would just surprise us with a natural pregnancy, but I realise there may just be a different plan for us to bring our miracle home!
Today I feel good about having the doctors appointment on the calendar, and I am letting myself have some excitement about hearing the possibilities and moving forward. Moving closer to having our baby. We have not in any way decided that fertility treatment is the direction we are going, but we have already met with an adoption agency to hear the process for that so this feels like the other half of the information we need to make a decision. We believe that God will lead us, because we trust He is building our family. Even now, as we wait and we wonder, He knows. He is going to give us a child, the perfect child for our family and I am so very excited. Excited to hold that child in my arms and look back on this day, and all the other days before it that have held so many questions, and be able to see His plan. To know that when we welcome a child into our home it will be our perfect miracle. It will not be the end of our journey but just another part of the story God is weaving.
(p.s. those fabulous pink roses were a surprise gift from J this weekend! Swoon x)