Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Thankful Mama

As predicted, or good sleep run took a bit of a back slide last night. We still had an almost 4 hour stretch but after that things were really broken up. It's amazing how my body had adjusted to those slightly longer periods of sleep already which made being awake so much last night really rough! Poor baby  boy wasn't even really awake for much of his squirming and grunting but he couldn't settle.

He had really bad gas pains and so his little cries made my heart break. His eyes scrunched closed, and his body squirming in pain and his teeny lower lip trembling before the cry comes again. Oh Lord, tears coming to my eyes just thinking about it.

The cries started again, after only 5 minutes of peace. I have yet to even try to sleep because I have come to know that if he doesn't last 10 minutes then we have to start the process over again, so why bother trying to get my body to relax until I know one way or the other if I will actually get to sleep? I dragged my body to sitting position, and lifted my tiny boy out of his bassinet and held him close. His squirms began to settle and his breathing slowed - again. His body looks peaceful again and I begin to hope that sleep may not be too far away for me. Exhausting.

This cycle lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Everything seems worse in the early hours of the morning.

During one particularly squirmy wake up, my sleep deprivation seemed to peak. I felt out of energy, and out of joy and in that moment I was gently convicted. Was I celebrating the opportunity to love on this baby boy? Was my heart at all thankful that this little miracle needed me to soothe him, that I get to be his Mother? The verse "Give thanks in all circumstances" rang in my ears. In that moment, I chose to be thankful.

It didn't make the following wake-ups less painful, or this morning feel less exhausting but truly my attitude change has made this a great day. Looking at my sweet baby and knowing that he needs me I am so thankful.

[Sidenote - I am very also very thankful that my baby is a good napper in the day. He is still having a love fest with the baby swing and will stay contentedly rocking for a good 2 hours+. This means that even on days that follow that roughest of nights, there is usually time for me to nap!]

I am realising that in the crazy that is new parenthood it's hard to fit in basic things like showering and eating, and for me quiet times have fallen by the wayside under the pile of laundry and to-do lists. I am missing time with Jesus. I am realising that I do not have what it takes to do this job without His help and every day I need Him more and more. I am not sure how it will happen, but I know I need to make time...

And finally, the smile picture I promised on an earlier post - yes, he is that adorable. I can say with complete honesty and a heart full of joy and so very thankful to be his Mama.

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