I just officially updated my 'About me' to include this little fact...I guess it's more than that. It's a pretty big deal. So here goes...
We are ADOPTING!
This is probably not a announcement that will come as a surprise for anyone I have had conversations with in the last month. Apparently, even before we had made the decision to adopt, my thought process was telling everyone else that is where we were being led! Funny how God can speak through our own words even before we are aware of what He is saying!
We met with our adoption agency this morning; asked lots of questions and heard lots of information. It's going to be a long process. It can take many months to even get our paperwork in, and after our names are officially in the pot the average wait with out agency at the moment is 18-24 months to get matched with an expectant mother (but it could take longer). We have many, many papers to fill out, questions to answer, and after all that is completed we have to wait. Put it in God's hands all over again, and trust that He will bring our baby to us in His perfect time.
So that is what is ahead for us.
We are truly excited. There is so much that has brought us to this place; many things we had to walk through, many fears to surrender and many hopes to embrace. But here we are and we trust that this is God's plan for our family. We have not ruled out all the other options for the future, and we do not know how God will move, but for now they seem to have faded into the background as this became the clear path for us to walk down.
I was excited and nervous before our meeting this morning. Questions ran through my head, "Are we really doing this, are we ready?", "How did we get to this place?" A part of me was so happy, but there is certainly a part of me that feet grieved too. I shed some tears as the reality that our child will most likely have been exposed to some drugs or alcohol in the womb sank in. It is so sad to imagine. After our baby is in our care, we can and will do everything to protect them but we are helpless to protect them before they are ours. We will live with the consequences of another persons actions forever in our home; this is true because our child will be a result of those consequences, but also because the challenges our child may face will also be there. This is a reality of adoption, an opportunity to grow in faith, but a very painful way to experience God's promises. I have to trust that the strength, grace and faith needed to parent which ever child God selects for us, will come from Him as we need it, because it certainly feels overwhelming to consider today. Again, God is asking us to surrender to His plans, ans trust His provision. And certainly, we are already praying for our baby and God's protection to be powerfully surrounding him or her!
I had felt so sure of God's direction in pursuing adoption, but I already sense fear creeping in. I am fighting with not wanting this to be our life. Feeling like God made this decision without asking my permission. Yes, I really just wrote that...now, I know of course that God does not need my permission to do anything, but usually He is so gentle, and this infertility stuff feels too harsh to be a part of Him. Why does it have to be like this?
I believe that I am being asked, once again to surrender to His greater, perfect plan. Am I willing to do it? In all the fear I know I have to quiet my heart and listen for that still small voice. Trusting that this fear is truly the enemy's dissuasion. The call to adopt is a gift and wouldn't he just love it if we turned away at the first hurdle? Not going to happen.
My husband has been my rock. He continues to hold me close and tell me it's going to be ok - I believe it when he tells me. His words can often be the vessel God chooses to bring peace to my heart, and in this adoption process, it is no different. J has been on the adoption band wagon for a while now, just waiting for me to take my seat. His faith is firm and strong and his understanding of what God is asking of us is much clearer than my own. His confidence in God in the midst of this crazy journey does not seem to waver in the way mine does. (I blame hormones!) J's words and actions continue to turn my eyes back to Jesus in such a gentle way, and I am thankful that he is such a constant home for my heart.
So here we are. Our first forms to fill out on the table beside me. Yikes.
So now we what we can and then we can put it in God's hands and trust Him.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" Ephesians 3:20-21