Grapes and Grieving

Oh my goodness, I had so much fun this ICLW reading new blogs and getting to make new blogger friends. I can't wait for next month

J and I returned late last night from almost a week in beautiful Napa California visiting with friends. Jeremy and Adam have been friends since elementary school and luckily his wife lisa and I have become firm friends too. They have three of the most fun loving, adorable and lovable kiddos on the planet and we woke up every day to the pitter-patter of their little feet coming to see if we were awake and ready to play!

We had such a great time; relaxing at home, horsing around with the boys, eating great food, discussing our faith, reliving old times and looking through old pictures, drinking good wine and exploring Napa.

We talked about our adoption plans and it was exciting to imagine taking a little one of our own on a visit one day. At the same time a few unresolved feelings about the adoption process decided to show their face. I guess it is like any kind of grieving, you go through the steps (Denial, Anger, Bargaining,Depression and Acceptance) and while it has potential for immeasurable joy, there is certainly grief involved and it certainly showed its face over the past few days.

As we looked through old pictures of our friends our conversation turned to which features we were able to see in their children. It is always amazing to me that genes work in that way and children can resemble both their parents even when the parents do not look at all alike! I always imagined seeing myself in my children, and after I got married I was so excited to think about a little Jeremy running around, I always hoped for a little boy with J's big brown eyes. Another loss. We will likely never get to see ourselves in our children. Suddenly this blow felt like one too many. My patched up heart began to come undone. "It's not fair" rang in my ears. The reality that adoption is not my first choice suddenly began to make me doubt our decision. If I couldn't get my head around this new revelation was adoption really the road for us?

I couldn't help looking down the path we are on and envision getting slapped in the face by more and more dreams that won't come true. Suddenly (potential) recurrent miscarriages or (potential) failed IVF became the less painful options. All the things we are surrendering for adoption seemed to be the things I was clinging most tightly to.

I feel as though the enemy is working his way into my heart, stealing my peace and my joy. I believe this is exactly where God wants us. The feelings of loss are real but the unique joys of adoption are teal too.

And so we continue with our paperwork, and pray that God continues to sustain us in the moments when we feel overwhelmed.

I just want a baby but I need a miracle.

Good thing there was lots of good wine flowing in Napa.